I had a vivid thought/dissociative episode/dream where a bulimic friend of mine died from a stomach burst while bingeing last week.

Today I had it again and I managed to convince myself that it was real and throw myself into crisis. I missed a lot of class over the past week and told myself it was because this friend of mine died. I even told my professor that my friend died. The thing is, I don't think a friend of mine died. Now, I now that an internet friend of a friend died, so maybe that's what triggered it? But I'm genuinely concerned and going through my twitter friends, making sure that everyone has been tweeting and hence still alive. I'm terrified that I'm forgetting someone and that someone has passed away unnoticed.

I've been having these episodes. They're semi-dissociative episodes where I'm convinced this happened. I can't seem to come out of them long enough to know that it didn't. I think DBT skills are useless. But even if they helped me, is there anything for this symptom? And what is this symptom? Is this a type of psychosis? I don't know what's happening.

When I'm lucid enough, I'm stuck questioning life. What is the purpose? If I'm going to die anyways why not now? I'm under incredible stress with regards to grad school, I'm waiting to here if I get in, and deciding if I really want to go. I feel like my future will be completely decided based on what happens in the next two weeks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

I know I'm being a manipulative liar. I'm getting attention/help from people at school because of this 'event' which I'm pretty sure didn't happen. But even now, I can't convince myself for sure that it didn't happen.

I'm scared.

I've hallucinated before, but it hasn't been like this. I don't know what this is.