Showing posts from January, 2018

January 26

January 25th 2017 was Bell Let's Talk day. So I waited until January 26th 2017. Only my dark twisted mind would think it was funny to kill myself on a mental health awareness day.

January 25th 2017 was a long day. I spent it alternating between calling crisis lines wondering if they'd make me change my mind, watching friends, and double checking that my pills were still there, in the drawer, lying beside my blades and the bottle of vodka.

The crisis lines did not make me change my mind. I called 3 different anonymous crisis lines. One of them even told me that there was nothing they could do because it seemed like I had made up my mind. I didn't call the one crisis line that wasn't anonymous. They would have sent the cops if they realized how serious I was. Part of me wanted someone to say something magical that would make me stop myself. But a bigger part of me was set on doing this, and I wasn't going to allow the police to break into my house in a frantic effort…

Larry Nassar

I might get into more detail about my thoughts and feelings about the recent USA gymnastics scandal, but it will take some more time for me to process what happened. Although it did not affect me, and I've never been abused in gymnastics, it hit close to home as I've been a gymnast since I was three. For now, I'm just going to share the post I did on Facebook.

This is amazing, I've always loved Miss Val and the attitude the UCLA team seems to have. Although it's hard to know what's going on behind the scenes, This statement and recent vlogs from PengPeng Lee and Stella Savvidou have given some insight on how great this community is. I used to go to their competitions when I lived in LA and the athletes seemed to radiate joy and were always happy to talk to their fans, even after a loss. I remember being sad when Mattie Larson left elite gymnastics, and again when she left the UCLA team. I'm glad she made those decisions and I'm glad she's okay. It u…

Psychiatrist: after


He asked me if I acted like a bitch when I mentioned my rocky relationships and how I tend to push people away.

When I told him my mom had cyclothymia he responded with "Oh is that what they call unpredictivness now?"

He told me my boyfriend must be a saint to put up with me.

I'm so so so so upset. He upped my Lamictol for no reason, but I'm not opposed to upping it since increasing the dose has helped in the past. But his reasoning was well increasing helped so lets increase it more to see if it helps more. Which is logical except for that fact that I'm relatively stable now, and my previous health care team did not think it was necessary to up it.

I'm also going to run into the problem that my new province doesn't allow doctors to dispense abilify unless certain requirements are met. He said he'd make the call and do what needs to be done, but I'm scared the paperwork won't be ready on time …

Psychiatrist: before

There will be two posts today - a before my psychiatry appointment, and an after my psychiatry appointment.


I AM FREAKING OUT. I didn't want a new psychiatrist in the first place, but my new doctor said she wasn't comfortable refilling my prescription unless I'm being followed by a psychiatrist. Fine. I've exhausted most treatment options, and the options I haven't tried aren't good fits for me. I'm stable, I'm in school, I'm working, I'm okay. I'm okay. And I plan on staying okay. And to do that I need my meds!!! I really hope this appointment isn't too long and he doesn't ask for my whole history. I've done full intake appointments over 5 times now and I don't want to do it again. It's not just that it's annoying. It's difficult. Talking about your trauma, your history of suicide attempts and psychosis is emotionally draining. Thinking back to things you try to forget is difficult. I've become better …


Hello bitches.

Guess who's back!

I'm on the West coast now living in a cute one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. So far things are going very well, and I finally feel settled. Now that I am settled I'm back to blogging!

Classes are going well, but I'm worried about not being perfect in math class. I fucked up my first assignment. I just want to make a good impression on everyone. I have a fresh slate. An opportunity to start anew. My profs don't need to know about my hospitalizations, my tears, my impulsivity, my uncontrollable anxiety.

I got a job doing sales at a gym, which, although I've only had one shift, seems like it's going to be a great fit (ha, see what I did there?) for me. It's right down the street from my house and it's an all women's gym so I won't have to deal with potential sexual harassment that seems to follow me around in the workplace. On that note, with the women's walk and the USAG ordeal, a lot of trauma has p…