Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Email I just sent to my therapist


Sorry to bug you, I'm just having a really hard time. It hit me today that grad school isn't realistic with my average - I don't even qualify to apply for NSERC funding and I just don't see the point. I've known this for a while but I got the email today and I just feel awful. I know Kyle deserves someone better than me, someone he can be successful with when I won't be. My suicidal ideations have skyrocketed. I'm in the process of maybe breaking up with him because he doesn't see that I'm just holding him back.

I'm busy for the rest of the week so I'm probably okay until the weekend as long as I can convince myself that I need to go do the things I have to do. I don't know about after that though. I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know if I care. I thought I was better but I'm clearly not and I always get back to this point and I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I'm sending you this email, I really don't think there's anything you can say to make me feel better but on my safety plan from the last hospitalization it says contact counselor so I figured I might as well.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017


I'm scared. Scared about how excited I am to move in with Kyle. Excited to the point where I want to break it off because it's all to scary.
We move in together in just over 3 months. That's really really soon.
What if this doesn't work.
What if he leaves me.
He wants kids. I don't.
It's not a deal breaker now, but what if it becomes one.
I'm scared.
I want to run.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017


I dont know how long Ill be able to keep this up for. I'm working, in school and going to gymnastics. I'm broke, stupid and out of shape.

I just want to sleep. Forever. Okay fine, a month will do. But for real, even getting 7.5hrs of sleep every night is leaving me tired. And I can't catch up on sleep on weekends because I have so much school work.

I've been meaning to exercise every day but it just hasn't been happening. It's not a time thing, it's just that I'm so tired I lie in bed instead.

Staying busy helps my mood from plummeting, but I feel overwhelmed.

All of this isn't including the new therapy homework I have, which I need to he diligent about doing.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Goals - week of the 11th

I'm just so tired. I slept all day Friday and all day yesterday. I did manage to get some things going today.

I got out of the house and went to the library, started my assignments and got my room in a semi reasonable state.

Time to set some goals for this week to help me keep going in the right direction:

  1. Take meds every morning and every night
  2. Go to all classes
  3. Go to therapy on Tuesday
  4. Go to work Tue, Wed, Thu
  5. Work out every day

Tuesday, September 5, 2017


I spent the last few days up north celebrating my step grandparents 50th anniversary. There was of course a lot of food, and it was hard to count. I let myself go. It was difficult to do, but I told myself to try to enjoy everything, and that I can start counting when I get back.

I get back tonight. Which means tomorrow I get my shit together.

I'm not trying to restrict, I just want to exercise  more and eat more fruits and veggies and just keep track of it all. Keeping track of it makes me feel in control. Like I'm on top of things. And I need that feeling right now.

I'm excited that school is starting. I need the structure. I love my classes and enjoy feeling like I have a purpose in what I'm doing. I'm very goal oriented and having the structure and goals related to school makes me feel good. I'm taking a lighter course load, but with hard courses, so I should be able to balance everything quite well. What will be hard to juggle is writing my grad school applications as well as studying for the GRE on top of my regular course load. That being said, keeping busy is good.

No time to be sad if you're always focused on math.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

he's drunk

November 29th 2013
He's drunk
He stumbles through
campus, peeing in
a bush on his way
to buy pizza
He's drunk
He tells me he loves
me between sips
of his water bottle
filled with vodka
He's drunk
He searches for a
rope to forget the
pain caused by his
mom in his yough
He''s drunk
I tell him I love
him too because
what else do you
say to your suicidal
boyfriend on their birthday.

February 12th 2014
I'm out with a friend
he's a stranger
at a club but it's
his birhtday
so he smacks my ass
apparently people have
a right to do so on
their birthday
I just wasn't
made aware

I remember November 29th 20`3
He's drunk
He pushes me up against
a wall pressing his
lips to mine
He's drunk
He doesn't care that people
can see his hand on
my breast trying to
unclamp my bra
He's drunk
And I'm painfully
aware that we're
in a public stairwell

July 24th 2014
It's my coworkers
birthday so I offer
him a present and
we go for a drive
I'm awkwardly contorted
around a gear stick
swallowing protein
the nice couple on a
hike shield their
children's eyes

I remember November 29th 2013
He's drunk
So he doesn't feel the
frigid winter air
and undresses himself
for me
He's drunk
But he was a football
player so he's still
strong holding me
He's drunk
He doesn't remember
it in the morning

July 18th 2014
I'm sitting at Dairy Queen
eating ice cream I'd
later throw up and
I wonder what's to
celebrate about the
passage of time
I'm can finally buy a
lottery ticket but I'm
a walking statistic and
statistics lose at the lottery
every single damn time
Back at my house
my friends surprise
me with balloons
and a birthday kiss

I remember November 29th 2013
He's drunk
And half asleep for that
matter, he most not
hear my pleads in his dreams
I run and sleep in my friend's
dorm room.

June 29th 2017
It's been 3 years and
7 months
but he's not the
one I care about
My partner takes
me out for vegan
food so I can eat
and gives me a sip of his drink
We're both tired and he's
a little bit drunk so we walk
down the block to his house
I lay in his bed half asleep
And kiss him goodnight,

I start to forget about November 29th 2013

Friday, September 1, 2017

An anecdote

Today at work I was outside with my boss while she was smoking. She started telling me about how long she's been smoking for and how she really should quit.
I mentioned my addictive personality and how I once smoked for 3 days and craved smokes for the rest of the month.
She then said:
"What did you find to replace it? Obviously not food"

I had to stop myself from bursting into laughter. Food is my vice. I just throw it up....

I'm heading up north today to see some family. I'm both anxious and excited, as per usual. I get a ride up so I dont have to take the bus which is nice.

I know I promised you guys a poem iver a week ago... but I've been to anxious to post it. It's about my trauma and I really want to share it as I believe it will help get the weight of the story off my shoulders, but it's also very scary. Ill try to post it sometime this week.