Thursday, August 10, 2017

Shaking

I told my therapist about my trauma on Tuesday. I got through work okay afterwards but the evening did not go well.

I started shaking around 8pm. By 9 I was sobbing, rocking back and forth on my bed. At 10 I was on the phone with my boyfriend, not saying anything, just crying into the phone. I couldn't relax. Nothing was working. I was alternating between complete dissociation and feeling him on me. I tried to push him off but we wouldn't leave. I felt stuck, being held down in one position. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream. I needed to shower for seven years. Scrub off his filth until none of my skin cells had been touched by him. No one knows what happened. Only my therapist knows the details, and I didn't tell her. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and gave it to her. I couldn't say the words outloud. My boyfriend doesn't know, but he can infer by the nature of my panic attacks. I want to use this pain to write. But it hurts to much to save the file once I have the words on a page. So I delete it. I restart writting the next time I feel too much. But I can never hit the save button. It hurts too much to keep.

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