Monday, August 21, 2017

I found my words

I wrote a new poem today, by no means my best work, but I wrote.

I wrote about what happened. I've never done that before. I wrote about November 29th 2013.

I'll put the poem up tomorrow, I'm still a bit too anxious to share it today.


It's been a while since I've been able to write, I've either been too happy or too scared to let my words fall out on a page, who knows what monsters will come to life when things get written down in pen. Writing in pencil may be less scary, but the secret is still out once you erase it. You can still see the dent in the page, the mark it created. I tell myself it's worth it, having everything out in the open, but there's a wall between my thoughts and the world. Today I made a small hole. And slowly, I'll knock this wall down.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Does it count

Does it count if it was his birthday?
Does it count if he was your boyfriend?
Does it count if he was drunk?
Does it count if he said he loved you?
Does it count if he was mentally ill?
Does it count if you were on top?
Does it count if he doesn't remember?
Does it count if you got out of his grip?
Does it count if he didn't finish?
Does it count if you finally gave in?

weight loss

I
watched
a petal
fall
from its
flower

I wonder
what it
would
be like
to
fall
from
home


I want to lose weight. I have a plan. But I'll do it right this time. None of this purging and unhealthy restriction. Good wholesome foods and lots of exercise.

Is this even possible? Is it possible for someone with an eating disorder to lose weight in a healthy way? Is it possible to have a good relationship with your body while trying to lose weight? Is it possible to lose weight and not gain it all back?

I just want to gain muscle and lose fat. Simultaneously. But I know this is impossible. Or is it? Is this just a lie told by my doctor?

My brain is racing. I just want to fall into relapse. To forget the trauma I brought up. To take back all my secrets.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Aug 10

Work is fine, but the damn security guard keeps on poking my ribs/waist which I am very not okay with.

I'm on the bus. I feel like I'm going to puke. 

I get home. The four mini donuts I had at work come up involuntarily. My body doesn't like digesting food anymore.

I weigh less then I did this morning. I smile.

I'm on my way to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I also pick up some binge food. I get a good haul for  only 5.86$. On the way back home, I pick up my favorite Jamaican food.

I'm home. I eat, I purge. I eat again, I purge again. 

I lie down in bed, preparing to eat and purge again in a few minutes.

Shaking

I told my therapist about my trauma on Tuesday. I got through work okay afterwards but the evening did not go well.

I started shaking around 8pm. By 9 I was sobbing, rocking back and forth on my bed. At 10 I was on the phone with my boyfriend, not saying anything, just crying into the phone. I couldn't relax. Nothing was working. I was alternating between complete dissociation and feeling him on me. I tried to push him off but we wouldn't leave. I felt stuck, being held down in one position. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream. I needed to shower for seven years. Scrub off his filth until none of my skin cells had been touched by him. No one knows what happened. Only my therapist knows the details, and I didn't tell her. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and gave it to her. I couldn't say the words outloud. My boyfriend doesn't know, but he can infer by the nature of my panic attacks. I want to use this pain to write. But it hurts to much to save the file once I have the words on a page. So I delete it. I restart writting the next time I feel too much. But I can never hit the save button. It hurts too much to keep.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Waterfalls

I went to see waterfalls with my mom's side of the family today, which was nice for about an hour. Then my stepdad and mom started arguing and the need to purge grew. I planned on purging dinner, which I didn't end up doing, but did purge later, after eating four muffins. I'm going out for waffles tomorrow. Sanity with regards to eating will start on Monday.

I started this post with the intention of making some sort of metaphor between waterfalls and purging. But, there's nothing beautiful about purging like there is about waterfalls. There's nothing delicate about the way food comes out and falls into the toilet bowl. Splashback is nothing like the mist that's created from water falling into the basin.

Purging sucks.
Bulimia sucks.
My weight has gone up.
Everything sucks.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Nightmares

I've fallen into this cycle where I never sleep properly. Everytime I sleep I have nightmares so I never get a restful sleep. Then because I'm so tired from not having slept well, I sleep more. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm scared. And I'm tired of being scared. School's out for the rest of the summer, so I have time to have fun. But all I do is get lost in nightmares. Is fun even possible when everything around you reminds you of your trauma?

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

sore

I feel so weak. I get so tired. When I'm emotionally tired my muscles just seem sore. Does this ever happen? I seem to get physically weaker when overwhelmed. It's like my muscles turn to jello before I even move. I wake up and everything is sore. I'm pinned to my bed. My body turns to mush and I sink into my mattress and don't have the strength to get out. My sheets turn to bricks too heavy to lift off of me. Even my facial muscles hurt. Smiling takes effort. Crying is even harder.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Cry

Do you ever need to cry but you can't cry so you binge watch Grey's anatomy to try to get the tears to start running but you just end up feeling numb?
Do you ever feel like an empty shell? Like one of those hollow Easter egg chocolates?
Do you ever just need a hug? Or a reason to live?