Sunday, July 2, 2017

Family and food

I'm still out west with my boyfriend, and we made a weekend trip to the island to visit my grandmother and her partner. My cousin from overseas was also over so it was great to catch up with him. Yesterday was Canada day so we went out to see fireworks by the water, and watched the celebrations happening in the capitol on TV.

With all the food around yesterday, I really struggled. I purged twice (dinner and then desert), but I didn't binge. Yes, I overate, and yes, it stressed me out, but although it wasn't ideal, it was still within my goals of not binging. I'm sticking to safer foods today so that I don't feel the need to purge.

I weighed myself when I got to my grandmother's house, and the damage wasn't as bad as I had thought. I gained about a couple pounds (she has an analog scale so it's hard to tell), when I thought I had gained 10. This just goes to show how warped our minds can be when it comes to intake and weight.

When I get back home I'm going back to a stricter meal plan to help reduce my purging and feel more comfortable and good about what I'm eating. Although I know that unhealthy food is okay in moderation I also know that I can't keep eating like I'm eating and feel good. There's a big difference in how I feel if I have protein and fruit for breakfast as supposed to a scone, no matter how delicious the scone.

My grandma says she sees a big difference in me since I came and visited a year ago. She said I weighed more (which was super triggering), but also said I was smiling more, and that was the biggest difference she noticed. It made me really happy that my family wasn't as concerned about me, especially my grandmother. I don't want her to worry about me. She's doing quite well, but does have health problems and enough to worry about on her own.

Although day 1 of July wasn't what I was hoping for, overall I need to see it as a success. I managed a holiday with family, a large family dinner, and although I engaged in behaviours, I didn't need to take my ativan, and was able to keep my cool without measuring. I often plan on purging family meals, but this time I didn't. I went to the bathroom after dinner and just realized I could purge so I did. Although it would have been better had I not purged, it was also nice to know I can get through a dinner without needing to purge. It was more of a choice. I don't know if that makes any sense, but to me it was a nice change in thought.

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