Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Eating

I'm on vacation visiting my boyfriend (who lives on the other side of Canada), and my goal for the trip is to be eating disorder behaviour free. Part of me is looking forward to getting back home and diving back into symptoms, but I know this is not an option. I'm not counting calories, I'm eating when I'm hungry, I'm eating what I want, not what I should eat and not purging. 

Last night we went to Denny's (an American diner) for dinner and I had banana caramel pancakes, hashbrowns and scrambled eggs. I was so tempted to purge but hung in there and just didn't let myself go to the bathroom for an hour after the meal because I knew it would trigger me. 

I'm by no means eating healthy though. I'm not eating enough fruits and vegetables, or enough protein, and I'm having a lot of processed food and sugars. I know that this is okay on vacation, but I can't continue to eat like this when I get back home. But I'm learning that it's okay to eat less healthily on vacation, and knowing that it won't kill me. This is a HUGE step for me, and not one I'm comfortable making at all. I just don't want this trip to be ruined by my bulimia like so many trips have been in the past.

I never thought I would get to a point like this in my life. My Facebook memories took me back to a profile picture I posted two years ago, and I remember doing terrible at the time. I'm amazed at how far I've come in the past couple years, despite my periods of intense depression that landed me in the hospital. My last two hospital visits had me feeling like I had to restart recovery, but really it was a necessary step in my recovery. I needed that help, and I needed the medication change that was only safe to do in the hospital.

I'm really proud of how far I've come. I'm eating and it feels good. It is possible.

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