Friday, June 30, 2017

Eating disorder twitter

"Eating disorder twitter is a strange place. Girls and boys of every age from across the world meet in a world where up is down, empty is full and nothingness is desired. Stories of individuals trying to lose weight or gain muscle like it's their full time job. Food and exercise are the number one priorities in this land. Every move you make, step you take, bite you eat is calculated and planned in advance, written down and analyzed. Pictures of food journals, screenshots of fitness apps, and images of ballerinas flood my feed as I scroll down reading updates. Everyone wants happiness for everyone else, but no one seems capable of achieving it. My secrets live here"

- an excerpt of a book I'm writing

binge/purge

Yesterday I slipped up and binged and purged. I was quite upset because my goal for this vacation was to not binge and purge. However, I have been doing amazingly well apart from that so it's time to learn from my mistakes and move on (something that is much easier said than done). I'm tempted to just fall back into behaviours for the rest of the trip since I slipped up once but I know that this is not the best solution.

What I noticed though, was that my mood was much lower yesterday. Even after eating enough, my energy level and overall mood was lower than it had been every other day this past week. It could be a coincidence, but it seems to be a little too fitting to be a coincidence.

I'm doing my best to reframe my thoughts and not purge for the rest of this vacation, but the thoughts are loud now that I've slipped up once. One thing that is motivating me is that tomorrow is the first day of July, and I would like to have a binge free July. Knowing my birthday is coming up in July, I'm hesitant to commit to a purge free July, as the idea of eating a birthday meal and cake is scary, and I would much rather purge all the food associated with my birthday. But I think with all the progress I've made I can do a binge-free July.

Let's aim for a binge free July and a purge free August. Then I'll be ready to start the fall term of school healthy, ready to study, apply for grad schools, and of course, train my ass off at gymnastics.

Who's with me?

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Eating

I'm on vacation visiting my boyfriend (who lives on the other side of Canada), and my goal for the trip is to be eating disorder behaviour free. Part of me is looking forward to getting back home and diving back into symptoms, but I know this is not an option. I'm not counting calories, I'm eating when I'm hungry, I'm eating what I want, not what I should eat and not purging. 

Last night we went to Denny's (an American diner) for dinner and I had banana caramel pancakes, hashbrowns and scrambled eggs. I was so tempted to purge but hung in there and just didn't let myself go to the bathroom for an hour after the meal because I knew it would trigger me. 

I'm by no means eating healthy though. I'm not eating enough fruits and vegetables, or enough protein, and I'm having a lot of processed food and sugars. I know that this is okay on vacation, but I can't continue to eat like this when I get back home. But I'm learning that it's okay to eat less healthily on vacation, and knowing that it won't kill me. This is a HUGE step for me, and not one I'm comfortable making at all. I just don't want this trip to be ruined by my bulimia like so many trips have been in the past.

I never thought I would get to a point like this in my life. My Facebook memories took me back to a profile picture I posted two years ago, and I remember doing terrible at the time. I'm amazed at how far I've come in the past couple years, despite my periods of intense depression that landed me in the hospital. My last two hospital visits had me feeling like I had to restart recovery, but really it was a necessary step in my recovery. I needed that help, and I needed the medication change that was only safe to do in the hospital.

I'm really proud of how far I've come. I'm eating and it feels good. It is possible.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Exams

It's been too long since I've written! Between work and exams I've been pretty swamped.

Exams didn't go as planned. I only wrote three out of five, which doesn't ruin my academic career or anything, but it does put some more pressure on these summer courses.

My one summer course went terribly. I scored a 58% on the final exam when I should have easily scored above an 80%. It was a first year course that I was using to bump up my average, and it did the exact opposite. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone how I did so I can't get much support for the low grade.

I'm only taking one course this summer term, so I'm going to need to crack down and study hard. My grades have been slipping and it's inexcusable. Honestly, I think the reduction in anxiety has been worsening my grades. I know I need to learn to motivate myself in healthy ways, not be pushed to my limits due to anxiety, but it hurts to do so poorly. I seem to be developing some senioritis but I still need these grades to get into grad school!!!!

I guess it's time to crack down and hit the books.



Thursday, June 15, 2017

Treatment Group

I decided against doing the eating disorder treatment group. This may seem like a stupid decision, and honestly, it might be. But fuck it.

I've been doing better lately, with work and school and gymnastics. Of course I still have my days, everyone does, but I'm coping a lot better. I'm able to resist binge urges I couldn't do before. I think I was suffering from too much therapy. I spent too long analysing everything that's wrong with me when I should be focusing on living. Doing things I enjoy.

I definitely needed the therapy to get to this point. But I think I'm there. Yes, I will always need meds, and short checkups with my family doctor (who's a MH specialist), but I feel like I can live again.

My parents are mad, I'm currently not talking to my dad, and my mom is being supportive but wishes I had taken a different decision. I was so worried about letting people down when I made this decision, but ultimately it has to be my decision. Worrying about others thoughts is one of the things that stops me from moving forward in recovery.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Treatment

Fuck this.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.
Fuck recovery.
Fuck group.
Fuck treatment.


I'm off to see the psychiatrist at the eating disorder clinic and idk what to say. I don't fit in their stupid little boxes. I don't restrict. Yes, I only keep down healthy foods but isn't one supposed to be healthy? If I'm at a birthday I do my best to keep down the cake. But I have a minimum calorie count not maximum. I try to get as much protein as I can, not avoid fats and carbs. I don't have a goal weight, but a goal body fat percentage.

I'm wasting resources. I choose to have good days which means I choose to have bad days. I choose to let myself go. I can self recover. If I can go a week without symptoms I can go a month, a year, a lifetime.

I'd have to miss half a day of work every Thursday to go to this group. That adds up to over 700$. I could buy pole classes and work out until I'm happy with that amount of money. I don't want to do this group. At all.

Update

It's been too long since I've given you guys an update!

I'm working reception now for a child protection service which is really great. The work is easy so I have brain power left to study, and it's rewarding to work for something you believe in.

Food has been good. I stopped binging and purging, started eating more fats and I feel a lot better. The only thing is, I'm skipping breakfast in order to lose weight. I am above my set point weight so I know that if I trust my body I'll lose those extra couple pounds, but I want to lose them quickly and now.

I'm going accross the country to visit my boyfriend at the end of the month, and it had been 'motivation' to lose weight to be perfectly honest. Especially because of all the beaches where he lives. I also want to feel more comfortable in my skin so that I feel good when he touches me.

Gymnastics and pole are going very well. I'm getting back to my old self in the gym. Working hard and having fun. I'm starting to get back the skills I lost and I'm really pleased with that. Pole is good as well, but my hands are too sweaty lololol. Otherwise it's a great workout but our instructor isn't very good at criticism so it's hard to improve and I feel like an ugly duck.

School is not going so well. I have two exams next week and I am not ready. I keep on choosing working out over school but endorphins are important right? I also have two exams the week after next that I'm also not ready for. Luckily today is a quiet day at work so I've been doing a bit of studying.

I get to see my grandma tomorrow and I'm super excited as I love her to death! She judges vegans but whatever, I can explain my reasons and I know she'll love me uncondituonaly. I feel bad that she has to feed me but I did offer to bring my own food and she said no. I'm pretty lax about the whole thing though so I'll eat some dairy or eggs if it's unavoidable in the situation.

Borderline wise I've been doing amazingly. I'm coping really well with my boyfriend being away, I'm not paranoid about him leaving me and I feel like my other relationships are strong. Other than oversleeping I haven't bee actin in behaviors. I also have barely had any self harm urges and when I did I didn't act on them.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

weight loss

So I did this whole thing where I planned on bulking and then cutting. So I started eating more. But I didn't start exercising more. So I gained a bunch of FAT. Now I just want to lose. But instead of going about this in a semi healthy way (exercise, slight restriction), I'm just binging and purging EVERYTHING. It's awful.

I set an unrealistic weight loss goal and feeling so down that I'm not reaching it. I reset a realistic goal and I'm feeling better now. I'm also working out more which makes me feel a lot better.

I know this is unhealthy. But it is less unhealthy then the alternative. I'm just working on harm reduction until treatment starts.


In other news, I got hired!!! I start work on Monday and I couldn't be more excited. The only thing I'm worried about is staying awake ALL DAY. I've been sleeping through the day, and through the night, or not sleeping at all and it's really messing with my schedule. I'm determined to get back on track this week - I woke up late this morning (9am), but I'm going to get up early (6:30) and go for a swim tomorrow!