Thursday, May 18, 2017

Weight

My weight has slowly crept up without me noticing. I've been trying to focus on my weight less, and all of a sudden I've gained five pounds in 3 weeks. I'm not okay with this. I'm just not.

I put on my leotard yesterday and I looked in the mirror and considered not going to gymnastics because of my weight. I've never felt like this before.

I've been finding that my eating disorder symptoms have been shifting a lot since Kyle left. There's been a greater fuck it attitude. Last night I overate fries and didn't purge. I guess that's a win, but right now it feels like a loss. Like my body is poisoned. I've been binging and purging on non-vegan food. Just not caring.

I want to care again. As much as caring sucks, takes away so much joy from my life, it gives me a sense of control. And oh goodness do I need that control right now.

I'm finally settling into routine again. I don't cry every day because Kyle is gone. I'm not attached to my phone waiting for a text. I'm my own person again.

Hopefully, as I incorporate being active again, my weight will go back down. What frustrates me the most is that my weight is now above my set point weight. So this isn't even the eating disorder talking, I do need to lose weight.

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