Monday, May 15, 2017

assessment

So I had my eating disorder psychological intake assessment today. It was three hours of me telling my life story and going over symptoms. It was BRUTAL.

These things exhaust me so much mentally. I left so overwhelmed, rethinking everything I had said, wondering if I dramatized my problems too much. I always worry that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Who's to say what causes distress in my life? What is distress? What is normal? Having not been normal since the age of 6, I find it very hard to compare how I'm doing now to a time when I was okay, or to what the norm would be. How much anxiety do neurotypicals have? How low is their mood? How drastic are their mood swings?

I meet with the program psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I think we go over meds and diagnoses then. I'm hoping to be diagnostically clear of BPD. I know borderline is often a life long sentence, and even if it isn't, it stays a part of you forever, it would be nice to have a professional tell me I'm doing better.

One of the things they were looking at was PTSD. I've mentioned this a bit before in the past, with my therapist wondering if I had some PTSD, and there were some questions related to that in today's assessment. Trauma definitely does affect me, and a diagnosis would validate my struggles, but I don't want to add another diagnosis to my long list.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm a bundle of labels with a face.

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