Tuesday, May 30, 2017
The class was fun. We started with some stretching and a bit of conditioning. Some pushups, a butt circuit and abs. We then learned a few basic tricks. And by basic, I mean basic. But this is something I really see myself getting into. If I had the money and the time I'd throw myself into it now, but I have neither.
Speaking of time and money, I got hired! I sent them an email explaining all the time off I'm going to have to take though for my exams and my trip out west, and they haven't gotten back to me. If they are okay with all of it I start Monday. If they aren't, well the job hunt continues.
I can maybe make it through the summer without a job, covering all my living expenses. But that doesn't include my summer school or fall term tuition. And I need to pay tuition somehow. In an ideal world I'll find a full time job that starts in July. My June is just so busy I'm quite worried about how I'll manage my time if I do start work earlier. As much as I want the job I just got hired for to work out, I'm just concerned that it will be too much.
Monday, May 29, 2017
I've been having this problem where I've been spending all day in bed, and not feeling awake until about five pm. Insane up and take my meds in the morning but after that I can't seem to stay up. Even with caffeine. I don't know what it is. It isn't normal to sleep sixteen hours a day like this, and I'm not that depressed. Maybe it's just because I have nothing to do all day but study, but it's been really affecting my mood because I don't get anything done. Even if there's nothing to get done. I think I need a new project. Or just get my ass to the gym more. I don't know, but I need something.
I want to do something crafty. Maybe I'll take up embroidery again. Or start cross stitching. My friend does cross stitch and loves it. I'm going to head to the craft store and browse, maybe something will spark my interest. If nothing else though, I think I'll pick up some embroidery floss and rings and embroider some cute recovery quotes. Would that be something you guys would be interested in? Maybe I could do a giveaway! That would be something to do towards.
If any of you have dealt with this sleep problem please please please let me know what you did about it!!
Sunday, May 28, 2017
I haven't abused diet pills very much (at least in comparison to laxatives) throughout the course of my eating disorder. Three years ago, I started taking the drink powder, and drank that relatively consistently for a couple months. I honestly don't remember my weight at the time, but it was at the lower end. I liked the drink mix because it forced you to have water, which made it much harder to abuse. What I liked most about it though was the caffeine content. Caffeine really helps improve my baseline mood without increasing my anxiety very much, so it is a drug I most definitely abuse. The hydroxycut gave me a nice way to get that extra protein and who knows, maybe did help my weight.
Last year, I got some samples of hydroxycut hard core. I had about eight pills, so took it for a week and felt in top of the world. Again, it may just have the caffeine. But I remember that week being particularly good in a bad summer. Later that summer though, I had a suicide attempt that involved me taking a bottle of diet gummies. Since the suicide attempt, I've avoided diet pills to reduce the chance of impulsively attempting with them while dissociating.
Yesterday, I bought two bottles of the gummies. I wanted to get the drink mix because it's harder to abuse but the gummies were on sale. I'm haven't been suicidal for a couple months and I trust that I'll get rid of them if I start to go down that road. But for now my plan is to just take one every morning. It's day one, so it's hard to say what effect it has but what I can say is that my mood is better. Again, I think this is just because of the caffeine. I've been on a lowered caffeine intake and my mood has dropped considerably, and hasn't gone back up even after three weeks of close to no caffeine. I just need that jolt for my mood. The gummy definitely gave me that.
I don't know if they do anything other than act as a glorified caffeine pill, and I wouldn't recommend getting into it. They're expensive and coming off of them is hard. It's also hard on your heart because the caffeine hits you all at once, not gradually like it would if you drank a coffee.
Today I went to the proshow and got a free shaker water bottle that said hydroxycut on it. Just thought it was funny given the fact I picked some up yesterday.
Friday, May 26, 2017
I don't know what to do. I'm don't care about anything but am simultaneously stressed about everything. I want a hug from my boyfriend. But I won't see him for another month. I want to slam my head against the wall. Or slice up my thigh. But I won't. I can guarantee I won't do that. I can't guarantee I won't binge and purge again though. I don't know what else to do. Why is life so difficult.
I'm also behind in school, and not doing as well as I should be in my two first year courses. By fourth year, I shouldn't have much trouble acing a first year course. But no, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't even get myself out of bed.
Why can I not stop binging and purging. I don't know what to do. What to eat. How to eat. Nothing is a safe food anymore. I just want to give up.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Sunday, May 21, 2017
I brushed them every day,
They were straight, never needed braces.
I went to the dentist the other day,
And I have four cavities.
You aren't supposed to brush your teeth
After throwing up
The acid gets rubbed into your teeth
And eats away at your enamel
So when I started throwing up
I had to stop brushing my teeth.
Now this may sound disgusting
But there are way grosser parts
To bulimia then the lack of tooth brushing
Like the time I hid
A garbage bag of puke
In my closet for a week
Waiting for garbage day.
Like the time I woke up
Lying in vomit
Because I passed out in the
Middle of throwing up.
But I digress.
I just wanted to be perfect
Be in control, on top of the world,
Not dependent on any need
I followed the rules in the
Eating disorder handbook like
Drinking coffee when I was hungry
Letting the acidity erode my enamel
Turning my bright white teeth yellow
I cared more about the space between my thighs
Then the holes in my mouth
The bacteria acted slowly but
The holes in my teeth
Are just like the hole
In my soul
From the first time I hailed
The porcelaine throne
I wish I could say something
Nice about myself, but isn't this all my fault
I put the gun in my mouth
Too scared to pull the trigger
Not scared enough to stop it from sliding down
My throat became a home for my right hand
Like it was searching for something
Reaching down into a wishing well
Grasping at perfection so recklessly
You fall down the rabbit hole
To the land where less is more
Where you spend more time in the bathroom
Then you do in your bed
I used to smile and laugh unapologetically
Now I face my mirror with wet eyes
And puffy cheeks
Spitting out the remains of what I ate that day
Not brushing my teeth but staring
At the pale yellow bones coming out of my mouth.
I don't recognize myself anymore
I think that when that first cavity formed
I didn't lose a piece of tooth
But I piece of myself
I wonder how much longer,
My body can stand
How ling it will take for my
Teeth to fall out, like my hair does in clumps.
Most of me is scared
But part of me is hopeful
You can't eat if you don't have any teeth
No need to pick up the gun if there's nothing to kill
You can't drown in an empty well
I look back at the picture of me
In middle school, smiling brace free
Beside my friends with crooked teeth.
My mom relieved she didn't have to pay
For an orthodontist
We have perfect teeth in this family she said.
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth
Slowly stabbed by a dagger
Made of my skin
Choking on the metallic taste
Coughing up blood
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth
Of my heart giving out
I can control the gun
But not what it does
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth
I've really been struggling with thoughts of restriction, which hasn't been a problem for me in a while. The thoughts are there which cause the bulimic behaviours to come out stronger.
Yesterday was really tough, I napped for four hours because I couldn't handle the emotions I was feeling throughout the day. I'm going to go nap shortly, to re-energize myself before dinner. I just want my family to leave the house so that I can b/p.
I wish seeing family wasn't so tiring. I really want to be able to just go and have a good time, but I feel like I have to be putting on a show, pretending I'm doing well at all times.
I go home tomorrow evening and I'm excited. I'm even looking forward to the long bus ride, just so that I can have some time where no one is expecting anything from me.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
I put on my leotard yesterday and I looked in the mirror and considered not going to gymnastics because of my weight. I've never felt like this before.
I've been finding that my eating disorder symptoms have been shifting a lot since Kyle left. There's been a greater fuck it attitude. Last night I overate fries and didn't purge. I guess that's a win, but right now it feels like a loss. Like my body is poisoned. I've been binging and purging on non-vegan food. Just not caring.
I want to care again. As much as caring sucks, takes away so much joy from my life, it gives me a sense of control. And oh goodness do I need that control right now.
I'm finally settling into routine again. I don't cry every day because Kyle is gone. I'm not attached to my phone waiting for a text. I'm my own person again.
Hopefully, as I incorporate being active again, my weight will go back down. What frustrates me the most is that my weight is now above my set point weight. So this isn't even the eating disorder talking, I do need to lose weight.
Monday, May 15, 2017
These things exhaust me so much mentally. I left so overwhelmed, rethinking everything I had said, wondering if I dramatized my problems too much. I always worry that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Who's to say what causes distress in my life? What is distress? What is normal? Having not been normal since the age of 6, I find it very hard to compare how I'm doing now to a time when I was okay, or to what the norm would be. How much anxiety do neurotypicals have? How low is their mood? How drastic are their mood swings?
I meet with the program psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I think we go over meds and diagnoses then. I'm hoping to be diagnostically clear of BPD. I know borderline is often a life long sentence, and even if it isn't, it stays a part of you forever, it would be nice to have a professional tell me I'm doing better.
One of the things they were looking at was PTSD. I've mentioned this a bit before in the past, with my therapist wondering if I had some PTSD, and there were some questions related to that in today's assessment. Trauma definitely does affect me, and a diagnosis would validate my struggles, but I don't want to add another diagnosis to my long list.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm a bundle of labels with a face.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
I have two job interviews on Tuesday. One is for an 8 week receptionist position with the children's aid society. It's full time for eight weeks, so I don't know if that's going to work with my schedule, considering I have summer school and exams. The other job is far away (over an hour by bus), but is at a coffee supply shop! I don't need to handle food and I'm surrounded by things I love! They have specialty tea and coffee equipment, and I'm really hoping I get that job.
Last night was absolutely terrible, it only got worse after I blogged yesterday. This morning was rough so I called in sick to work, but I'm feeling better now. I had a big cup of coffee, took my meds, took a shower and went outside, and I'm feeling so much better. I find I need to use opposite action A LOT these days, but once I do I feel pretty good during the day. Nights are still hard though.
Friday, May 12, 2017
I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.
I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.
"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."
But really, I'm always drowning.
Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.
I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.
It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I had a midterm yesterday and I completely winged it and I think it went okay. I do need to get my act together though, as I need these grades to get into graduate school.
I had a chat with one of my best friends yesterday, and we started talking about the future. About potentially marrying our current boyfriends. About going to graduate school in the area our boyfriends are. I'm lucky - I knew I wanted to go out west before my boyfriend decided to go out west, so it really works out for both of us. But what if it didn't? I never thought I'd be the type to follow a boy around but maybe I am. I'm only twenty, I know this might be too much to think about at my age. But in five years, it won't be. And five years isn't very long.
I made some sweet potato homefries today for lunch. They were delicious but had so much oil. I'm panicking over the amount of oil, but have convinced myself not to purge. I know I don't need to. I know that I'm better than this.
I work tonight, and I have to say, so far I like my job. I have a few issues with the company, but I'm sorting it out and going to talk to them. I like the fresh air, and how it forces me to get out of the house and interact with people. Even if the interaction is them slamming the door in my face. I find that as long as I don't get too attached, I really enjoy it.
I don't know what to do with food though regarding my job. I work 4pm-8pm. Which means I need to eat dinner at 3pm or 9pm. I don't get a break, but could always stop for two minutes and shovel a granola bar down my throat or something. But that's not really what I want to do. And it seems to throw off my schedule for the week.
I spent more money on my stepdad's credit card yesterday grocery shopping. I really need my government loan to come in so that I can pay him back and stop feeling guilty. The guilty feelings are leading to more impulse shopping which just worsens the situation.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
I managed though. I snacked on fruits, veg and crackers with hummus. It was a drop in event so there was no big sit down dinner which helped. I also had a small slice of cake to celebrate the occasion.
No the cake was not vegan. I'm labelling myself as an antisocial vegan. When I'm with others I'm vegan when I can be, but will dabble with non vegan foods. When I'm alone though and am making the food choices I choose vegan food.
It was nice connecting with his family. His mother is wonderful. And I hope she becomes my mother in-law someday.
I also spoke with his younger brother who suffered from many of the same conditions I do, and can really relate to him.
I'm scared I'm getting too attached to his family. My borderline has idealized all of them and I'd really like to incorporate them into my family in the future. But what if things don't work out with me and Kyle?
Friday, May 5, 2017
I used to never let myself get attached like this, never let me feel this way, blocked myself off from the world. But he's different.
He can make me smile on my worst days. I can't get that from anybody else. He can hold me and tell me everything will be okay in a way that I actually believe.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never said that about anyone before. It's scary to say.
I got myself out of bed today, dressed and on campus so that I can have internet access. I have none until Tuesday. I'm getting out of work for the weekend so that I can go up to Kyle's mom's place and celebrate her husband's birthday. From there, I plan to go up to north to visit my dad, stepmom and two sisters.
My eating disorder is confused. I've lost a fair bit of appetite, so I've been non-intentionally restricting, but my brain wants to binge and purge, and yet food disgusts me at the moment. I also have a total of 8$ in my two bank accounts combined.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.
I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.
I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
He's going on a wonderful adventure though. He's moving across the country for graduate school. I'm incredibly proud of him, but of course, also super upset.
I'm really mad at myself, because had I not been sick I would also be going to graduate school and moving across the country right now. But now I have 8 more months of school. I'll be done in December.
I move across the country in January, where I'll work for 8 months before beginning graduate school myself.
All I want to do is hide under blankets and cry. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I have group today. I doubt I'll go. I have work today. I doubt I'll go. I have gymnastics tonight. I doubt I'll go.
I don't have internet at my house right now either, so I'll probably end up watching DVDs. How old school. Speaking of school, I got a bad grade on my thesis. I still have some chance to increase the grade so I'll be working on that today. Summer school has started. Which means lots and lots of econ for me.
I'm busy, but I just want to drop everything and hide. I'm so done with this shit called life. But I also know that this is a feeling and that it will pass. I know that this is okay and it will better. And the next 8 months will hopefully fly by and I'll be on the West Coast soon. It's not okay now, but it will be. It will be.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
I just came out of a therapy session where I literally cried about him leaving for 40 minutes and then she let me leave the session. I have group this afternoon and I just don't know if I can do it. I really want to run. To just not go to group. To leave the hospital and go to Toronto. I'll hang out at the starbucks and do some work. Watch more scandal. But I just don't want to do group. We'll see how I feel about it in half an hour.
I'm going to miss Kyle so much. 8 months is a long time to not have a hug.
Update: did not go to group. Went window shopping instead.
Kyle and I had a long chat. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him one day.