Monday, August 14, 2017

Does it count

Does it count if it was his birthday?
Does it count if he was your boyfriend?
Does it count if he was drunk?
Does it count if he said he loved you?
Does it count if he was mentally ill?
Does it count if you were on top?
Does it count if he doesn't remember?
Does it count if you got out of his grip?
Does it count if he didn't finish?
Does it count if you finally gave in?

weight loss

I
watched
a petal
fall
from its
flower

I wonder
what it
would
be like
to
fall
from
home


I want to lose weight. I have a plan. But I'll do it right this time. None of this purging and unhealthy restriction. Good wholesome foods and lots of exercise.

Is this even possible? Is it possible for someone with an eating disorder to lose weight in a healthy way? Is it possible to have a good relationship with your body while trying to lose weight? Is it possible to lose weight and not gain it all back?

I just want to gain muscle and lose fat. Simultaneously. But I know this is impossible. Or is it? Is this just a lie told by my doctor?

My brain is racing. I just want to fall into relapse. To forget the trauma I brought up. To take back all my secrets.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Aug 10

Work is fine, but the damn security guard keeps on poking my ribs/waist which I am very not okay with.

I'm on the bus. I feel like I'm going to puke. 

I get home. The four mini donuts I had at work come up involuntarily. My body doesn't like digesting food anymore.

I weigh less then I did this morning. I smile.

I'm on my way to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I also pick up some binge food. I get a good haul for  only 5.86$. On the way back home, I pick up my favorite Jamaican food.

I'm home. I eat, I purge. I eat again, I purge again. 

I lie down in bed, preparing to eat and purge again in a few minutes.

Shaking

I told my therapist about my trauma on Tuesday. I got through work okay afterwards but the evening did not go well.

I started shaking around 8pm. By 9 I was sobbing, rocking back and forth on my bed. At 10 I was on the phone with my boyfriend, not saying anything, just crying into the phone. I couldn't relax. Nothing was working. I was alternating between complete dissociation and feeling him on me. I tried to push him off but we wouldn't leave. I felt stuck, being held down in one position. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream. I needed to shower for seven years. Scrub off his filth until none of my skin cells had been touched by him. No one knows what happened. Only my therapist knows the details, and I didn't tell her. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and gave it to her. I couldn't say the words outloud. My boyfriend doesn't know, but he can infer by the nature of my panic attacks. I want to use this pain to write. But it hurts to much to save the file once I have the words on a page. So I delete it. I restart writting the next time I feel too much. But I can never hit the save button. It hurts too much to keep.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Waterfalls

I went to see waterfalls with my mom's side of the family today, which was nice for about an hour. Then my stepdad and mom started arguing and the need to purge grew. I planned on purging dinner, which I didn't end up doing, but did purge later, after eating four muffins. I'm going out for waffles tomorrow. Sanity with regards to eating will start on Monday.

I started this post with the intention of making some sort of metaphor between waterfalls and purging. But, there's nothing beautiful about purging like there is about waterfalls. There's nothing delicate about the way food comes out and falls into the toilet bowl. Splashback is nothing like the mist that's created from water falling into the basin.

Purging sucks.
Bulimia sucks.
My weight has gone up.
Everything sucks.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Nightmares

I've fallen into this cycle where I never sleep properly. Everytime I sleep I have nightmares so I never get a restful sleep. Then because I'm so tired from not having slept well, I sleep more. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm scared. And I'm tired of being scared. School's out for the rest of the summer, so I have time to have fun. But all I do is get lost in nightmares. Is fun even possible when everything around you reminds you of your trauma?

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

sore

I feel so weak. I get so tired. When I'm emotionally tired my muscles just seem sore. Does this ever happen? I seem to get physically weaker when overwhelmed. It's like my muscles turn to jello before I even move. I wake up and everything is sore. I'm pinned to my bed. My body turns to mush and I sink into my mattress and don't have the strength to get out. My sheets turn to bricks too heavy to lift off of me. Even my facial muscles hurt. Smiling takes effort. Crying is even harder.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Cry

Do you ever need to cry but you can't cry so you binge watch Grey's anatomy to try to get the tears to start running but you just end up feeling numb?
Do you ever feel like an empty shell? Like one of those hollow Easter egg chocolates?
Do you ever just need a hug? Or a reason to live?

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

21 facts

I turn 21 today, so here are 21 fun facts (not mental health related) about myself:


  1. I'm Canadian
  2. I live with three cats, but only one of them is mine
  3. My favorite colors are purple and green
  4. I love reading memoirs
  5. I'm on my university's gymnastics team
  6. I took a pole dancing class earlier this summer
  7. I love pretty stationary
  8. I'm almost always wearing patterned leggings
  9. Coffee is my best friend
  10. Tea is fabulous but not as fabulous as coffee
  11. The first time I drank was at my senior prom
  12. I lost my virginity to a girl
  13. I'm bisexual
  14. I've been vegetarian for 9 years
  15. I really really like math
  16. I haven't read the entire Harry Potter series
  17. My bedroom is yellow
  18. My goal is to have a successful mathematical career
  19. I want to end up living in California
  20. I'm moving out West in the new year
  21. I've had blue, purple, pink, black and blonde hair, but I'm back to my natural brown now

Monday, July 17, 2017

Rigid flexibility

I drew up a new meal plan for myself, but this time, I gave myself options! Yes, options! That way, I feel like if I deviate, it's not the end of the world.

I've also decided that I need to go through a period of allowing myself  'forbidden' foods so that they stop being forbidden and become foods I choose not to eat.

Today I let myself have a treat at work. I asked my coworker to bring me a lemon bar, and she brought me a lemon bar with a butter tart. I ate them both. And it was okay. I'd rather not eat baked goods, but I need to remember that having them every so often is okay. It won't kill me. And, it won't make me gain weight. Yes, constantly overeating baked goods would lead to weight gain. But two treats the day before my birthday? I'll be fine.

As well as making a meal plan, I also set up structure for the day. My week is all over the place with regards to schedules but I found a new way to optimize my time. Instead of planning specifically what I'm going to do at every hour every day, I set time ranges where I have to get a certain family of tasks done for the week.

This means that Saturdays and Sundays are chore days, and I can do my chores whenever I want in the morning of those two days. It also means that I don't have chores left to do the rest of the week. Studying for my class is done Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning, as well as Saturday afternoon. Instead of stressing out over everything I have to do in a day, I look at my week as a whole, and it's been really helpful.

The perfect smoothie

1cup almond milk
1 scoop Quest salted caramel protein powder
1 banana

blend. 

Simple, easy and so delicious

Saturday, July 15, 2017

birthday cake

Nothing very exciting has happened since I got back home, hence me not writing.
Work is okay, school is okay, life is okay.

My mood dropped but that is to be expected after having a wonderful vacation. I had to take a couple days off of work this week, and didn't write my midterm (I'm just going to have the marks transferred to my final) because I knew I needed self care time. All I ended up doing was sleeping, which is a depressive behavior for me, but there was no way I could have worked. Although I didn't meet my self care goals I'm still proud of myself for knowing I needed the time off.

My birthday is on Tuesday, so tomorrow I'm heading out to see family for the day. This part of the family gossips a lot and I always hear about the family drama which is kind of fun. My immediate family on that side doesn't hang out with the extended family as much so it's nice to find out what's going on, as we are often left out of the loop.

The down side to seeing family is having food that's not on my new meal plan, and of course birthday cake. How do I eat and not purge birthday cake? I don't want to purge it but I'm already planning on it. Having that plan reduces my anxiety. I hope after I eat the cake I'm able to change my mind, but for now, the only thing that makes me relax about the food situation is planning on purging it.


Friday, July 7, 2017

back home

There's something about coming home from vacation that just really really sucks.

My vacation was AMAZING! My boyfriend and I got a lot closer and it was so much fun. I stayed with him for ten days, and we didn't get tired of each other which is saying a lot for two introverts. We decided that this past week and a half showed that we are ready to move in together in may 2018, when his lease ends.

I really want to go to the school he goes to. Not because he goes there, but because it is one of the top schools in Canada. I just don't think I have the grades. I need to ask my profs for some additional support as well to prepare more for graduate school. I'm nervous, but I'm also excited. I've got this. I need to get this.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

July 2nd...

... and I fucked up.


I went out to lunch with some of my boyfriend's family that I haven't met yet. That was stressful enough. So I looked up the menu online. When I got to the restaurant the menu was different. I finally convinced myself that I could eat a tofu curry and ordered that. About five minutes later the waitress came back and told me they didn't have tofu. Fan-flippin-tastic. I decided then to go safe and order a salad. After taking a few bites of the salad (which had more feta than expected) I found a piece of plastic in my salad. What the hell. I didn't want to make a fuss, and everyone at the table found it funny so  I continued eating my salad even though I wanted to return it so badly.

After this event, we headed back to his place and on the way I picked up a scone, 5 chocolates and diet coke which I inhaled and puked in the bathroom. So much for a binge free July, and there goes 15 dollars.

Fuck me.

Fast food and eating disorder recovery

I did a video regarding eating fast food and eating disorder recovery and how they intertwine. My main opinion on the topic, is that a fully recovered eating disordered person should be able to eat fast food without panic, but choose not to. They are able to go to taco bell or McDonalds with their friends, but spend most days not eating out. The same way everyone should be eating.

I was watching "Supersize me" and seeing the awful effects eating fast food can have on your body. However, I think that purging fast food is more detrimental to your body then keeping fast food down. I think that is an important idea in recovery from purging behaviours. Accepting the fact that a fast food meal won't kill you, but purging might. Therefore, while in recovery, it may be necessary to have fast food more than an 'ideal' number of times, in order to practice being okay with eating and keeping down fast food. Not purging is a skill, and like any skill, you need practice.

With regards to binging behaviours, I know personally, that if I'm going to eat unhealthy food, I am going to binge on it. It's all or nothing in my mind. This isn't a healthy attitude. One should be able to have a 'cheat meal' without consuming 5000 calories. It's more detrimental to eat 20 tacos, then it is to eat 2 or 3. To get over this all or nothing thinking, it makes sense to eat fast food in moderation, in order to practice getting over this all or nothing thinking.

When it comes to restrictive behaviours, I think again that the main problem is the all or nothing thinking. Restricting fast food may not be unhealthy, but how do you draw the line between fast food and restaurant food? And then how do you draw the line between restaurant food and homemade restaurant style food? The idea is that restricting one thing can easily lead to restricting more and more foods when you have a restrictive eating disorder. Therefore, accepting that it is okay to eat fast food is crucial, in order to stop the cycle of restriction.

Now of course I'm not a specialist, these are just my thoughts that I developed through personal experience and having friends go through treatment. My main thought is that you may need to practice eating fast food so that you can choose healthier options without being driven by your eating disorder.

Here is the video:

Family and food

I'm still out west with my boyfriend, and we made a weekend trip to the island to visit my grandmother and her partner. My cousin from overseas was also over so it was great to catch up with him. Yesterday was Canada day so we went out to see fireworks by the water, and watched the celebrations happening in the capitol on TV.

With all the food around yesterday, I really struggled. I purged twice (dinner and then desert), but I didn't binge. Yes, I overate, and yes, it stressed me out, but although it wasn't ideal, it was still within my goals of not binging. I'm sticking to safer foods today so that I don't feel the need to purge.

I weighed myself when I got to my grandmother's house, and the damage wasn't as bad as I had thought. I gained about a couple pounds (she has an analog scale so it's hard to tell), when I thought I had gained 10. This just goes to show how warped our minds can be when it comes to intake and weight.

When I get back home I'm going back to a stricter meal plan to help reduce my purging and feel more comfortable and good about what I'm eating. Although I know that unhealthy food is okay in moderation I also know that I can't keep eating like I'm eating and feel good. There's a big difference in how I feel if I have protein and fruit for breakfast as supposed to a scone, no matter how delicious the scone.

My grandma says she sees a big difference in me since I came and visited a year ago. She said I weighed more (which was super triggering), but also said I was smiling more, and that was the biggest difference she noticed. It made me really happy that my family wasn't as concerned about me, especially my grandmother. I don't want her to worry about me. She's doing quite well, but does have health problems and enough to worry about on her own.

Although day 1 of July wasn't what I was hoping for, overall I need to see it as a success. I managed a holiday with family, a large family dinner, and although I engaged in behaviours, I didn't need to take my ativan, and was able to keep my cool without measuring. I often plan on purging family meals, but this time I didn't. I went to the bathroom after dinner and just realized I could purge so I did. Although it would have been better had I not purged, it was also nice to know I can get through a dinner without needing to purge. It was more of a choice. I don't know if that makes any sense, but to me it was a nice change in thought.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

July goals

We're half way through the year, and it's been one hell of a half-year. From trying to kill myself and being hospitalized for 6 weeks, to completing my thesis, writing four exams and finding a full time summer job, I've worked my butt off.

I've actually achieved a fair number of my goals this year. I'm waiting to hear back about one of my grades, but my only grade that wasn't an A was an elective course, so we can pretend that didn't happen. If anything, I learned that even "easy" courses require studying. I also completed my thesis! That was a big goal for my academic career and I'm really proud to have achieved it.

The hospitalization was what I thought was a huge setback but really it propelled me forward. You need to pull an arrow back before launching it. I needed the medication change. My only regret is not getting myself to the hospital before my attempt, and causing others so much stress. I think I'm okay losing the friendship I lost though; if what she said to me is really what she thought, I don't need that in my life.

I stopped drinking, which I'm proud of. I wasn't having a real problem with my drinking in terms of addiction, but sober Niqi is much more willing to live than drunk Niqi.

My goals for the rest of the year are to:
1. reduce purging
2. exercise more
3. keep to a steady meal plan
4. apply for grad school
5. have money to move out west


Friday, June 30, 2017

Eating disorder twitter

"Eating disorder twitter is a strange place. Girls and boys of every age from across the world meet in a world where up is down, empty is full and nothingness is desired. Stories of individuals trying to lose weight or gain muscle like it's their full time job. Food and exercise are the number one priorities in this land. Every move you make, step you take, bite you eat is calculated and planned in advance, written down and analyzed. Pictures of food journals, screenshots of fitness apps, and images of ballerinas flood my feed as I scroll down reading updates. Everyone wants happiness for everyone else, but no one seems capable of achieving it. My secrets live here"

- an excerpt of a book I'm writing

binge/purge

Yesterday I slipped up and binged and purged. I was quite upset because my goal for this vacation was to not binge and purge. However, I have been doing amazingly well apart from that so it's time to learn from my mistakes and move on (something that is much easier said than done). I'm tempted to just fall back into behaviours for the rest of the trip since I slipped up once but I know that this is not the best solution.

What I noticed though, was that my mood was much lower yesterday. Even after eating enough, my energy level and overall mood was lower than it had been every other day this past week. It could be a coincidence, but it seems to be a little too fitting to be a coincidence.

I'm doing my best to reframe my thoughts and not purge for the rest of this vacation, but the thoughts are loud now that I've slipped up once. One thing that is motivating me is that tomorrow is the first day of July, and I would like to have a binge free July. Knowing my birthday is coming up in July, I'm hesitant to commit to a purge free July, as the idea of eating a birthday meal and cake is scary, and I would much rather purge all the food associated with my birthday. But I think with all the progress I've made I can do a binge-free July.

Let's aim for a binge free July and a purge free August. Then I'll be ready to start the fall term of school healthy, ready to study, apply for grad schools, and of course, train my ass off at gymnastics.

Who's with me?

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Eating

I'm on vacation visiting my boyfriend (who lives on the other side of Canada), and my goal for the trip is to be eating disorder behaviour free. Part of me is looking forward to getting back home and diving back into symptoms, but I know this is not an option. I'm not counting calories, I'm eating when I'm hungry, I'm eating what I want, not what I should eat and not purging. 

Last night we went to Denny's (an American diner) for dinner and I had banana caramel pancakes, hashbrowns and scrambled eggs. I was so tempted to purge but hung in there and just didn't let myself go to the bathroom for an hour after the meal because I knew it would trigger me. 

I'm by no means eating healthy though. I'm not eating enough fruits and vegetables, or enough protein, and I'm having a lot of processed food and sugars. I know that this is okay on vacation, but I can't continue to eat like this when I get back home. But I'm learning that it's okay to eat less healthily on vacation, and knowing that it won't kill me. This is a HUGE step for me, and not one I'm comfortable making at all. I just don't want this trip to be ruined by my bulimia like so many trips have been in the past.

I never thought I would get to a point like this in my life. My Facebook memories took me back to a profile picture I posted two years ago, and I remember doing terrible at the time. I'm amazed at how far I've come in the past couple years, despite my periods of intense depression that landed me in the hospital. My last two hospital visits had me feeling like I had to restart recovery, but really it was a necessary step in my recovery. I needed that help, and I needed the medication change that was only safe to do in the hospital.

I'm really proud of how far I've come. I'm eating and it feels good. It is possible.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Exams

It's been too long since I've written! Between work and exams I've been pretty swamped.

Exams didn't go as planned. I only wrote three out of five, which doesn't ruin my academic career or anything, but it does put some more pressure on these summer courses.

My one summer course went terribly. I scored a 58% on the final exam when I should have easily scored above an 80%. It was a first year course that I was using to bump up my average, and it did the exact opposite. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone how I did so I can't get much support for the low grade.

I'm only taking one course this summer term, so I'm going to need to crack down and study hard. My grades have been slipping and it's inexcusable. Honestly, I think the reduction in anxiety has been worsening my grades. I know I need to learn to motivate myself in healthy ways, not be pushed to my limits due to anxiety, but it hurts to do so poorly. I seem to be developing some senioritis but I still need these grades to get into grad school!!!!

I guess it's time to crack down and hit the books.



Thursday, June 15, 2017

Treatment Group

I decided against doing the eating disorder treatment group. This may seem like a stupid decision, and honestly, it might be. But fuck it.

I've been doing better lately, with work and school and gymnastics. Of course I still have my days, everyone does, but I'm coping a lot better. I'm able to resist binge urges I couldn't do before. I think I was suffering from too much therapy. I spent too long analysing everything that's wrong with me when I should be focusing on living. Doing things I enjoy.

I definitely needed the therapy to get to this point. But I think I'm there. Yes, I will always need meds, and short checkups with my family doctor (who's a MH specialist), but I feel like I can live again.

My parents are mad, I'm currently not talking to my dad, and my mom is being supportive but wishes I had taken a different decision. I was so worried about letting people down when I made this decision, but ultimately it has to be my decision. Worrying about others thoughts is one of the things that stops me from moving forward in recovery.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Treatment

Fuck this.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.
Fuck recovery.
Fuck group.
Fuck treatment.


I'm off to see the psychiatrist at the eating disorder clinic and idk what to say. I don't fit in their stupid little boxes. I don't restrict. Yes, I only keep down healthy foods but isn't one supposed to be healthy? If I'm at a birthday I do my best to keep down the cake. But I have a minimum calorie count not maximum. I try to get as much protein as I can, not avoid fats and carbs. I don't have a goal weight, but a goal body fat percentage.

I'm wasting resources. I choose to have good days which means I choose to have bad days. I choose to let myself go. I can self recover. If I can go a week without symptoms I can go a month, a year, a lifetime.

I'd have to miss half a day of work every Thursday to go to this group. That adds up to over 700$. I could buy pole classes and work out until I'm happy with that amount of money. I don't want to do this group. At all.

Update

It's been too long since I've given you guys an update!

I'm working reception now for a child protection service which is really great. The work is easy so I have brain power left to study, and it's rewarding to work for something you believe in.

Food has been good. I stopped binging and purging, started eating more fats and I feel a lot better. The only thing is, I'm skipping breakfast in order to lose weight. I am above my set point weight so I know that if I trust my body I'll lose those extra couple pounds, but I want to lose them quickly and now.

I'm going accross the country to visit my boyfriend at the end of the month, and it had been 'motivation' to lose weight to be perfectly honest. Especially because of all the beaches where he lives. I also want to feel more comfortable in my skin so that I feel good when he touches me.

Gymnastics and pole are going very well. I'm getting back to my old self in the gym. Working hard and having fun. I'm starting to get back the skills I lost and I'm really pleased with that. Pole is good as well, but my hands are too sweaty lololol. Otherwise it's a great workout but our instructor isn't very good at criticism so it's hard to improve and I feel like an ugly duck.

School is not going so well. I have two exams next week and I am not ready. I keep on choosing working out over school but endorphins are important right? I also have two exams the week after next that I'm also not ready for. Luckily today is a quiet day at work so I've been doing a bit of studying.

I get to see my grandma tomorrow and I'm super excited as I love her to death! She judges vegans but whatever, I can explain my reasons and I know she'll love me uncondituonaly. I feel bad that she has to feed me but I did offer to bring my own food and she said no. I'm pretty lax about the whole thing though so I'll eat some dairy or eggs if it's unavoidable in the situation.

Borderline wise I've been doing amazingly. I'm coping really well with my boyfriend being away, I'm not paranoid about him leaving me and I feel like my other relationships are strong. Other than oversleeping I haven't bee actin in behaviors. I also have barely had any self harm urges and when I did I didn't act on them.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

weight loss

So I did this whole thing where I planned on bulking and then cutting. So I started eating more. But I didn't start exercising more. So I gained a bunch of FAT. Now I just want to lose. But instead of going about this in a semi healthy way (exercise, slight restriction), I'm just binging and purging EVERYTHING. It's awful.

I set an unrealistic weight loss goal and feeling so down that I'm not reaching it. I reset a realistic goal and I'm feeling better now. I'm also working out more which makes me feel a lot better.

I know this is unhealthy. But it is less unhealthy then the alternative. I'm just working on harm reduction until treatment starts.


In other news, I got hired!!! I start work on Monday and I couldn't be more excited. The only thing I'm worried about is staying awake ALL DAY. I've been sleeping through the day, and through the night, or not sleeping at all and it's really messing with my schedule. I'm determined to get back on track this week - I woke up late this morning (9am), but I'm going to get up early (6:30) and go for a swim tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

pole

I started a pole dancing class today and it was marvelous. The workout itself wasn't as hard as I would have liked but that's to be expected from a beginner class. It did show my how much upper body strength I lack though. It has definitely motivated me to work harder on my arms and chest.

The class was fun. We started with some stretching and a bit of conditioning. Some pushups, a butt circuit and abs. We then learned a few basic tricks. And by basic, I mean basic. But this is something I really see myself getting into. If I had the money and the time I'd throw myself into it now, but I have neither.

Speaking of time and money, I got hired! I sent them an email explaining all the time off I'm going to have to take though for my exams and my trip out west, and they haven't gotten back to me. If they are okay with all of it I start Monday. If they aren't, well the job hunt continues.

I can maybe make it through the summer without a job, covering all my living expenses. But that doesn't include my summer school or fall term tuition. And I need to pay tuition somehow. In an ideal world I'll find a full time job that starts in July. My June is just so busy I'm quite worried about how I'll manage my time if I do start work earlier. As much as I want the job I just got hired for to work out, I'm just concerned that it will be too much.


Monday, May 29, 2017

Sleep

I've been having this problem where I've been spending all day in bed, and not feeling awake until about five pm. Insane up and take my meds in the morning but after that I can't seem to stay up. Even with caffeine. I don't know what it is. It isn't normal to sleep sixteen hours a day like this, and I'm not that depressed. Maybe it's just because I have nothing to do all day but study, but it's been really affecting my mood because I don't get anything done. Even if there's nothing to get done. I think I need a new project. Or just get my ass to the gym more. I don't know, but I need something.

I want to do something crafty. Maybe I'll take up embroidery again. Or start cross stitching. My friend does cross stitch and loves it. I'm going to head to the craft store and browse, maybe something will spark my interest. If nothing else though, I think I'll pick up some embroidery floss and rings and embroider some cute recovery quotes. Would that be something you guys would be interested in? Maybe I could do a giveaway! That would be something to do towards.

If any of you have dealt with this sleep problem please please please​ let me know what you did about it!!

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Hydroxycut

I'm just going to start with a discloser. I am in no way encouraging the consumption of diet pills. I'm also not promoting or shaming hydroxycut. This is just my experience with the product, a warning and a fun little story. This may, however, be triggering.

I haven't abused diet pills very much (at least in comparison to laxatives) throughout the course of my eating disorder. Three years ago, I started taking the drink powder, and drank that relatively consistently for a couple months. I honestly don't remember my weight at the time, but it was at the lower end. I liked the drink mix because it forced you to have water, which made it much harder to abuse. What I liked most about it though was the caffeine content. Caffeine really helps improve my baseline mood without increasing my anxiety very much, so it is a drug I most definitely abuse. The hydroxycut gave me a nice way to get that extra protein and who knows, maybe did help my weight.

Last year, I got some samples of hydroxycut hard core. I had about eight pills, so took it for a week and felt in top of the world. Again, it may just have the caffeine. But I remember that week being particularly good in a bad summer. Later that summer though, I had a suicide attempt that involved me taking a bottle of diet gummies.  Since the suicide attempt, I've avoided diet pills to reduce the chance of impulsively attempting with them while dissociating.

Yesterday, I bought two bottles of the gummies. I wanted to get the drink mix because it's harder to abuse but the gummies were on sale. I'm haven't been suicidal for a couple months and I trust that I'll get rid of them if I start to go down that road. But for now my plan is to just take one every morning. It's day one, so it's hard to say what effect it has but what I can say is that my mood is better. Again, I think this is just because of the caffeine. I've been on a lowered caffeine intake and my mood has dropped considerably, and hasn't gone back up even after three weeks of close to no caffeine. I just need that jolt for my mood. The gummy definitely gave me that.

I don't know if they do anything other than act as a glorified caffeine pill, and I wouldn't recommend getting into it. They're expensive and coming off of them is hard. It's also hard on your heart because the caffeine hits you all at once, not gradually like it would if you drank a coffee.

Today I went to the proshow and got a free shaker water bottle that said hydroxycut on it. Just thought it was funny given the fact I picked some up yesterday.


Friday, May 26, 2017

b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p

 That's right. Nine binge and purges in the last two days. Six binges and purges yesterday, three today... so far, it's only 6:24.

I don't know what to do. I'm don't care about anything but am simultaneously stressed about everything. I want a hug from my boyfriend. But I won't see him for another month. I want to slam my head against the wall. Or slice up my thigh. But I won't. I can guarantee I won't do that. I can't guarantee I won't binge and purge again though. I don't know what else to do. Why is life so difficult.

I'm also behind in school, and not doing as well as I should be in my two first year courses. By fourth year, I shouldn't have much trouble acing a first year course. But no, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't even get myself out of bed.

Why can I not stop binging and purging. I don't know what to do. What to eat. How to eat. Nothing is a safe food anymore. I just want to give up.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Introduction take 2

Some of you have told me that I should start blogging on YouTube, so I decided to incorporate that into my blog. Some of my posts will have an associated video, where I talk unscripted about the subject. 

I've changed so much since my introduction post in 2014, so here is a new introduction.

I'm Dominique, a gymnast, a math student, and a mental health advocate. I'm currently in recovery from bulimia and borderline personality disorder, but still in the beginning stages and I have lots and lots of lapses. I'm venturing into veganism, but struggle to stay vegan when binging and purging. I think I have things to say, so here I am saying them!

Teeth - a poem - video

So I changed a few of the words around while performing, I just felt like it flowed better, let me know what you think!

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Teeth - a poem

I used to have really nice teeth
I brushed them every day,
They were straight, never needed braces.

I went to the dentist the other day,
And I have four cavities.

You aren't supposed to brush your teeth
After throwing up
The acid gets rubbed into your teeth
And eats away at your enamel

So when I started throwing up
I had to stop brushing my teeth.

Now this may sound disgusting
But there are way grosser parts
To bulimia then the lack of tooth brushing

Like the time I hid
A garbage bag of puke
In my closet for a week
Waiting for garbage day.

Like the time I woke up
Lying in vomit
Because I passed out in the
Middle of throwing up.

But I digress.

I just wanted to be perfect
Be in control, on top of the world,
Not dependent on any need
I followed the rules in the
Eating disorder handbook like
Drinking coffee when I was hungry
Letting the acidity erode my enamel
Turning my bright white teeth yellow

I cared more about the space between my thighs
Then the holes in my mouth

The bacteria acted slowly but
The holes in my teeth
Are just like the hole
In my soul
From the first time I hailed
The porcelaine throne

I wish I could say something
Nice about myself, but isn't this all my fault
I put the gun in my mouth
Too scared to pull the trigger
Not scared enough to stop it from sliding down
My throat became a home for my right hand

Like it was searching for something
Reaching down into a wishing well
Grasping at perfection so recklessly
You fall down the rabbit hole

To the land where less is more
Where you spend more time in the bathroom
Then you do in your bed

I used to smile and laugh unapologetically
Now I face my mirror with wet eyes
And puffy cheeks
Spitting out the remains of what I ate that day
Not brushing my teeth but staring
At the pale yellow bones coming out of my mouth.

I don't recognize myself anymore

I think that when that first cavity formed
I didn't lose a piece of tooth
But I piece of myself

I wonder how much longer,
My body can stand
How ling it will take for my
Teeth to fall out, like my hair does in clumps.

Most of me is scared
But part of me is hopeful
You can't eat if you don't have any teeth
No need to pick up the gun if there's nothing to kill
You can't drown in an empty well

I look back at the picture of me
In middle school, smiling brace free
Beside my friends with crooked teeth.
My mom relieved she didn't have to pay
For an orthodontist
We have perfect teeth in this family she said.

Perfect teeth
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth

Slowly stabbed by a dagger
Made of my skin
Choking on the metallic taste
Coughing up blood

Perfect teeth
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth

Stained by the pain
Of my heart giving out
I can control the gun
But not what it does

Perfect teeth
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth

I lost what was good
By fixing the rest

Visiting family

I'm up north visiting my dad, stepmom and sisters. It's tough being up here. It's hard to eat, it's hard to purge, it's hard not to purge, it's just hard.

I've really been struggling with thoughts of restriction, which hasn't been a problem for me in a while. The thoughts are there which cause the bulimic behaviours to come out stronger.

Yesterday was really tough, I napped for four hours because I couldn't handle the emotions I was feeling throughout the day. I'm going to go nap shortly, to re-energize myself before dinner. I just want my family to leave the house so that I can b/p.

I wish seeing family wasn't so tiring. I really want to be able to just go and have a good time, but I feel like I have to be putting on a show, pretending I'm doing well at all times.

I go home tomorrow evening and I'm excited. I'm even looking forward to the long bus ride, just so that I can have some time where no one is expecting anything from me.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Weight

My weight has slowly crept up without me noticing. I've been trying to focus on my weight less, and all of a sudden I've gained five pounds in 3 weeks. I'm not okay with this. I'm just not.

I put on my leotard yesterday and I looked in the mirror and considered not going to gymnastics because of my weight. I've never felt like this before.

I've been finding that my eating disorder symptoms have been shifting a lot since Kyle left. There's been a greater fuck it attitude. Last night I overate fries and didn't purge. I guess that's a win, but right now it feels like a loss. Like my body is poisoned. I've been binging and purging on non-vegan food. Just not caring.

I want to care again. As much as caring sucks, takes away so much joy from my life, it gives me a sense of control. And oh goodness do I need that control right now.

I'm finally settling into routine again. I don't cry every day because Kyle is gone. I'm not attached to my phone waiting for a text. I'm my own person again.

Hopefully, as I incorporate being active again, my weight will go back down. What frustrates me the most is that my weight is now above my set point weight. So this isn't even the eating disorder talking, I do need to lose weight.

Monday, May 15, 2017

assessment

So I had my eating disorder psychological intake assessment today. It was three hours of me telling my life story and going over symptoms. It was BRUTAL.

These things exhaust me so much mentally. I left so overwhelmed, rethinking everything I had said, wondering if I dramatized my problems too much. I always worry that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Who's to say what causes distress in my life? What is distress? What is normal? Having not been normal since the age of 6, I find it very hard to compare how I'm doing now to a time when I was okay, or to what the norm would be. How much anxiety do neurotypicals have? How low is their mood? How drastic are their mood swings?

I meet with the program psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I think we go over meds and diagnoses then. I'm hoping to be diagnostically clear of BPD. I know borderline is often a life long sentence, and even if it isn't, it stays a part of you forever, it would be nice to have a professional tell me I'm doing better.

One of the things they were looking at was PTSD. I've mentioned this a bit before in the past, with my therapist wondering if I had some PTSD, and there were some questions related to that in today's assessment. Trauma definitely does affect me, and a diagnosis would validate my struggles, but I don't want to add another diagnosis to my long list.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm a bundle of labels with a face.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Job hunt

So, I'm not very happy with the current job I have. I'm supporting local farms, which I'm a hundred percent in favor of, but I'm supporting the meat farmers, which I'm less in favor of. It pays extremely well, but I don't agree with some of their values; they don't seem very inclusive of certain populations.

I have two job interviews on Tuesday. One is for an 8 week receptionist position with the children's aid society. It's full time for eight weeks, so I don't know if that's going to work with my schedule, considering I have summer school and exams. The other job is far away (over an hour by bus), but is at a coffee supply shop! I don't need to handle food and I'm surrounded by things I love! They have specialty tea and coffee equipment, and I'm really hoping I get that job.

Last night was absolutely terrible, it only got worse after I blogged yesterday. This morning was rough so I called in sick to work, but I'm feeling better now. I had a big cup of coffee, took my meds, took a shower and went outside, and I'm feeling so much better. I find I need to use opposite action A LOT these days, but once I do I feel pretty good during the day. Nights are still hard though.

Friday, May 12, 2017

drowning

My cat is purring beside me and it's the only thing holding me together right now.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.

I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.

"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."

But really, I'm always drowning.

Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.

I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.

It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Food, work, life

I'm obsessed with the show Scandal, and have been binge watching it instead of studying.

I had a midterm yesterday and I completely winged it and I think it went okay. I do need to get my act together though, as I need these grades to get into graduate school.

I had a chat with one of my best friends yesterday, and we started talking about the future. About potentially marrying our current boyfriends. About going to graduate school in the area our boyfriends are. I'm lucky - I knew I wanted to go out west before my boyfriend decided to go out west, so it really works out for both of us. But what if it didn't? I never thought I'd be the type to follow a boy around but maybe I am. I'm only twenty, I know this might be too much to think about at my age. But in five years, it won't be. And five years isn't very long.

I made some sweet potato homefries today for lunch. They were delicious but had so much oil. I'm panicking over the amount of oil, but have convinced myself not to purge. I know I don't need to. I know that I'm better than this.

I work tonight, and I have to say, so far I like my job. I have a few issues with the company, but I'm sorting it out and going to talk to them. I like the fresh air, and how it forces me to get out of the house and interact with people. Even if the interaction is them slamming the door in my face. I find that as long as I don't get too attached, I really enjoy it.

I don't know what to do with food though regarding my job. I work 4pm-8pm. Which means I need to eat dinner at 3pm or 9pm. I don't get a break, but could always stop for two minutes and shovel a granola bar down my throat or something. But that's not really what I want to do. And it seems to throw off my schedule for the week.

I spent more money on my stepdad's credit card yesterday grocery shopping. I really need my government loan to come in so that I can pay him back and stop feeling guilty. The guilty feelings are leading to more impulse shopping which just worsens the situation.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Family time

When you have an eating disorder, family gatherings can be tough. I went up north for my boyfriend's stepdad's birthday. The weird part though, was that my boyfriend wasn't there. He's accross the country at school.

I managed though. I snacked on fruits, veg and crackers with hummus. It was a drop in event so there was no big sit down dinner which helped. I also had a small slice of cake to celebrate the occasion.

No the cake was not vegan. I'm labelling myself as an antisocial vegan. When I'm with others I'm vegan when I can be, but will dabble with non vegan foods. When I'm alone though and am making the food choices I choose vegan food.

It was nice connecting with his family. His mother is wonderful. And I hope she becomes my mother in-law someday.

I also spoke with his younger brother who suffered from many of the same conditions I do, and can really relate to him.

I'm scared I'm getting too attached to his family. My borderline has idealized all of them and I'd really like to incorporate them into my family in the future. But what if things don't work out with me and Kyle?

Friday, May 5, 2017

I miss him

I don't know what to say other than I miss him.

I used to never let myself get attached like this, never let me feel this way, blocked myself off from the world. But he's different.

He can make me smile on my worst days. I can't get that from anybody else. He can hold me and tell me everything will be okay in a way that I actually believe.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I've never said that about anyone before. It's scary to say.



I got myself out of bed today, dressed and on campus so that I can have internet access. I have none until Tuesday. I'm getting out of work for the weekend so that I can go up to Kyle's mom's place and celebrate her husband's birthday. From there, I plan to go up to north to visit my dad, stepmom and two sisters.

My eating disorder is confused. I've lost a fair bit of appetite, so I've been non-intentionally restricting, but my brain wants to binge and purge, and yet food disgusts me at the moment. I also have a total of 8$ in my two bank accounts combined.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

sleep

I thought that keeping busy would make everything okay.

It didn't

I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.

I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.

I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Leaving on a jet plane

I just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport. His flight leaves in 35 minutes. I miss him already.

He's going on a wonderful adventure though. He's moving across the country for graduate school. I'm incredibly proud of him, but of course, also super upset.

I'm really mad at myself, because had I not been sick I would also be going to graduate school and moving across the country right now. But now I have 8 more months of school. I'll be done in December.

I move across the country in January, where I'll work for 8 months before beginning graduate school myself.

All I want to do is hide under blankets and cry. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I have group today. I doubt I'll go. I have work today. I doubt I'll go. I have gymnastics tonight. I doubt I'll go.

I don't have internet at my house right now either, so I'll probably end up watching DVDs. How old school. Speaking of school, I got a bad grade on my thesis. I still have some chance to increase the grade so I'll be working on that today. Summer school has started. Which means lots and lots of econ for me.

I'm busy, but I just want to drop everything and hide. I'm so done with this shit called life. But I also know that this is a feeling and that it will pass. I know that this is okay and it will better. And the next 8 months will hopefully fly by and I'll be on the West Coast soon. It's not okay now, but it will be. It will be.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

So my boyfriend moves tomorrow...

... to the other side of the country.

I just came out of a therapy session where I literally cried about him leaving for 40 minutes and then she let me leave the session. I have group this afternoon and I just don't know if I can do it. I really want to run. To just not go to group. To leave the hospital and go to Toronto. I'll hang out at the starbucks and do some work. Watch more scandal. But I just don't want to do group. We'll see how I feel about it in half an hour.

I'm going to miss Kyle so much. 8 months is a long time to not have a hug.


Update: did not go to group. Went window shopping instead.


Kyle and I had a long chat. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him one day.

Monday, April 24, 2017

A list of things I am doing instead of studying

A list of things I am doing instead of studying

1. Writing this list
2. Eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
3. Feeling guilty for eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
4. Obsessively checking my phone, waiting for someone to text me so that I have a reason not to study
5. Worrying about my trip home tomorrow
6. Stress eating more sour cherry blasters because of my trip home tomorrow
7. Wondering why home is so scary
8. Wondering how I got so bad that I can't return to where it all began
9. Thinking of a thousand different ways the next two days could go wrong
1. The elliptical could be broken so I won't be able to work out
2. Our train could break down and we never make it home
3. My siblings could be unexcited to see me
4. My siblings could decide to shoot my boyfriend with a nerf gun
5. There could be no food that I eat in the house
6. I could ruin my recovery with all the binge food available
7. I could spiral into a relapse so bad that I
1. Spend the trip hiding from my family
2. Spend the trip lying to my boyfriend
3. Burst a pipe in the bathroom
4. Am too distracted to have fun
5. Am too tired to study for my finals
6. Study so little that I fail my finals causing me to
1. Question my life choices
2. Not get into graduate school
3. Not get a job
4. Move into my parents basement
5. Be a huge dissapointment
6. Never acheive anything in life

Sunday, April 23, 2017

exams

Sorry I haven't written much lately, between depression and exams I haven't spent much time doing anything other than sleeping and studying.

I've written one final so far. I deferred an exam last week as well as tomorrow's. I have to finish writing my thesis as well as write my last final on Thursday.

Eating is not going so well, but I'm staying vegan. Being broke and vegan does help a bit with the binging and purging, but it's an addiction, and at the end of the day. I'll always find a way around whatever obstacles are put in my way in order to feed the addiction.

I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm stressed. But I'm back at my student house getting through every day one minute at a time

Monday, April 17, 2017

home sweet home

I went down to my mom's house yesterday with Kyle as a birthday surprise for her.

It's been going better then previous trips down that I've taken. I purged dinner yesterday and had a purged twice today. So it's definitely not going well, but it's not going as badly as my old trips used to be. The veganism helps, gives me more reason to cook my own safe foods.

It's been really good to see my siblings. It's been too long since I've really spent time with them. I had a few talks with both my brother and sister about drugs and relationships and made sure they had a healthy relationship with food. They seem to be doing remarkably well. They also feel more comfortable talking to me now, and promised they'd call if ever they need some sisterly advice.

Kyle saw how good I was with my siblings and it made him think about our future. I can't stop thinking about our future.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Art therapy journal

This seems to be super popular these days so I tried it out last night!



Yesterday was a rough day, my brain just seemed to be overdrive the entire day. I wasn't able to focus on my studies, and I'm quite stressed out about this today, as I fear I have fallen behind. I know it will all be okay. I'm allowed to have bad days. It's just frustrating when they pop out of nowhere. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

"Vegans are in fake recovery"

Is something that my roommate has said to me a lot.

I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.

Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.

When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.

The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.






In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Work

I missed my first shit.


stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.



I slept through. I had an awful night last night, and was majorly dissociating through the day and slept through my alarm. I feel like such an idiot. I sent my manager an email, and I am hoping she still allows me to come in and work tomorrow. I was so excited about this job and now I might have ruined it.

Friday, April 7, 2017

the gym

I just got hired at The Gym! (yes, it's a gym called the gym). I'm super excited.

I'm going to be a receptionist which is work I like to do, and I'll be in a great environment. I'll be around athletes and people who care about fitness, and I'll have a lot in common with the staff.

I'm really excited for this new opportunity. I think it's going to be a great job for me and a job I can sustain without ruining my mental health. My experience working at Tims and the pool company was so bad, so I'm nervous that maybe I just can't handle a job. But I'm hoping that this job is different. I will make it different. I will make this work for me. And I could really use the money.


In other news, I presented my thesis today and I think it went well! Now only the written part left to do!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Group

I had my first week of group this past week. Tuesday wasn't too bad. Yesterday was awful.

We were talking about values. And the facilitator showed a video of a woman talking about how she used to be homophobic and lost friends due to that, and how she's now conflicted because her values have changed.

You can't just hurt people because of your values. Somethings ARE black and white. Homophobia is bad. Racism is bad. There is no grey area. You can't defend yourself for being this way because of your values. Being hateful doesn't infringe on your values, it infridges on other people's lives.

I had an individual appointment today and explained my anger. She switched me to the earlier group so that I do the have to face that facilitator anymore. Thank goodness. I was ready to drop out of the program.

I would have just dropped out of he program if it weren't for one thing. My place in the eating disorder program is conditional on me completing this first program.

I'm hoping next week goes better with the new facilitators. It's a short group, only seven weeks, and I've got one week down. I can get through this.

Monday, April 3, 2017

binge purge

It's been a rough couple of days.

The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.

Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?

Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.

I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

April

It's April, so like at the beginning of most months, I'm going to promise to blog more regularly. Like every month, I'll most likely break this promise, but I wrote myself a little note on my desk to remind myself to blog this month!

It's been almost two weeks since I've written, so it's time for a little update.

I had a bad ankle sprain a week and a half ago, and it's taken me out of the gym which is so damn frustrating, I LOVE being in the gym. I'll be back at it doing some basics on Monday though!

Food wise, things have been going pretty decently. I broke my veganism yesterday/day before on a binge, but that's been my only real lapse since last time I've written. My weight gain is going well, a little too well in my opinion, but I know this is just temporary, gaining muscle and then I can go back to maintaining like I was before. I need to remember that no one is judging more for a 15lbs difference. Especially when it's muscle - it's barely noticeable!

Exam month has officially started, so my exam prep has begun. My concentration has been poor today, but I know it's something I'm going to have to work and push through for the next month. I can do this.


For all the French out there - here's a fish!


Sunday, March 19, 2017

Exercise

It was asked on Twitter how one keeps a regular exercise routine with clinical depression. I am by no means an expert at this and have gone months at a time without exercise due to my depression, but overall I seem to be able to manage it. 

One of the great things about exercise is that it can help improve mood in the short term. By no means does it cute depression like some people seem to think it does, but the endorphins do enhance your mood for a little bit. In fact, one of the techniques I use to avoid binging and purging is doing as many push-ups as I can when upset. 

Here are some of the things I do to help get me to exercise. 

Reward yourself for exercise: I have a Netflix show that I only allow myself to watch while on the elliptical. 

Do something fun. Do Zumba in your room or buy a hoola hoop to play around with. 

If you get anxious about going out, don't. Workout at home!

Wake up, drink a coffee and go workout right away before the depression hits you. I find I have half an hour of being okay before my mood sinks. 

Join a class. Then you have a bit of accountability. Even better, join a team. That way you have to go or let the team down. 



Hope some of that helped. 


Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Drowning

I'm drowning. I only got 60% on a midterm for a course that I've already taken. I'm such a failure. Why can't I be normal. Why did I have to spend a month and a half in the hospital. Why am I so damn stupid??

I want to go to grad school. I want to study algebra. But it's going to be hard to do that if I can barely pass an undergraduate algebra course. I graduate in December and I'm freaking out. My grades aren't going to get me into graduate school.

I wrote another midterm today, and I think it went well. Now I have two assignments due next week. Two classes that I'm a month behind so I need to catch up. My thesis presentation is in 23 days.

I'm on campus now and want to run away. Not just home, to somewhere warm. Somewhere sunny. Somewhere with a grad school that will accept me. Somewhere where I don't need to stress. My anxiety is eating me up. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I get through the next 52 days?

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

obsessions

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and the appointment actually went quite well. I was worried that she would tell me to drop my semester due to my hospitalization. She told me it seemed like I had made some great improvements, and supported my decision to stay in school. I didn't tell her about going vegan because I'm worried she would say it's part of my eating disorder.

Quite honestly, me going vegan is slightly part of my eating disorder.

Here's how I see it.

I've had my eating disorder for seven years now. I hope to be fully recovered one day, but that doesn't seem possible right now. Right now though, the bulimia is killing me. Literally, I have heart palpitations regularly and get suicidal ideations. Bulimia is a way for me to obsess over food. I've decided to try shifting my obsession to fitness. I'm focusing on eating more, and gaining muscle. High protein food. Lots of veggies. Lots of workouts. I know this still isn't mentally healthy. But it's much more physically healthy.

Today I had:
3 vega bars
2 mini builders bars
3 mini clif bars
sweet potato fries
veggie stirfry
flat bread with peanut butter

Day 4

Yesterday I had my first gymnastics practice in months. I worked on some roundoffs, roundoff handsprings, standing tucks, and lots of conditioning. I ended up leaving early because I was just so tired. School is closed today due to the weather which is nice as I have a lot of catching up to do. Unfortunately this means that gymnastics is also closed and I was really looking forward to going in tonight. That's okay, my boyfriend is going to come over and help unknot my back, and then we'll go out for a drink.

Yesterday I had:
Apple
Oatmeal with peanut butter
Flat bread with peanut butter
All you can eat sushi - avocado rolls, yam avocado rolls, cucumber rolls, yam tempura and fried tofu!
2 mini clif builders bars

Monday, March 13, 2017

Day 3

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I wasn't able to sleep much the night before due to running into my ex who said some mean things to me, but they day itself was good. I went to the gym, worked on a new floor routine, and studied a hell of a lot. (I have two midterms today).

Yesterday I ate:
oatmeal with protein powder and peanut butter
apple
nachos and salsa
peanut butter
salad with ginger sesame dressing

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Day two and new goals

I have officially changed my goal weight. Instead of my goal weight being 10lbs lower than my current weight, it is now 15lbs HIGHER.

Yes, you read that right.

I have decided to get more into fitness. To gain muscle to become a better gymnast. And as much as I hate to gain weight, it's time I admit that's what I need to do to be my best, fit, healthy self.

So this new weight will be my high weight. However, last time I was at this weight, I was binging and purging non stop, gaining weight from the binges I didn't purge. This time I'm going to be doing weights and building strong lean muscle.

What motivated this change was watching a gymnastics competition. I was supposed to compete at this competition, and I couldn't due to my hospitalization. I was mad at myself for letting myself get so low that I couldn't compete. I know a lot of that is my depression and my borderline personality disorder, but I can't ignore that part of it was the bulimia. With this new goal, I feel comfortable that I'll be able to endulge a bit more and hopefully stop binging and purging. I want to win next year. And I can't win with my bulimia. I said 2017 was the year I was going to overcome bulimia, and I'm holding myself accountable to that.

Day two of veganism went well; I had
Oatmeal with frozen raspberries
Special K cereal
Sweet potato with olive oil
Vega protein bar
Mini clif bars
Marguerita (I went out last night!)
Sweet potato fries

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Impulsivity

I realized that most of my recent posts have been about my bulimia, but I also want to write about my borderline personality disorder.

I thought I'd talk about a few ways I handle my impulsivity without self destructing. These don't help 100% of the time, but they do help.


  1. Get upside down! I'm a gymnast so I go to the gym four times a week to do flips, and that gives me an outlet for a lot of my impuslivity, and also works as a mindfulness activity. Try power yoga, and open adult gym class or a trip to one of those new trampoline gyms. You could even try doing handstands, cartwheels or elbow stands in an open area.
  2. SHOP! Impulsive spending is one of my behaviours, but it is possible to do this in a safe way. Try going to the dollar store, shopping for school supplies or even going to the grocery store (to buy healthy foods). I've used grocery shopping as an outlet for my impulsive spending by buying food I wouldn't normally buy, but will eat. I'll buy things like new protein powder or sushi. I even used textbook buying to calm my urge to impulsively spend money.
  3. Drink a very hot or very cold beverage. This really helps my binge/purge urges. The temperature shock gets me to calm down. Taking a very hot (not burning though!) or cold shower works as well. 
  4. Send a sexual text. This helps me with my sleeping around urges. Since having a boyfriend, the urges have calmed down, but I know it's a common thing with those who suffer with borderline. Instead of going and sleeping with strangers, try just sexting strangers over Tindr. I did this when I was single, and it was much safer than getting into a strangers car.

Reset: day 1

I fucked up. I binged and purged on non vegan food. I didn't want to post earlier because I was embarrassed, but I like being honest and open with you guys because I think it makes me more relatable. Changing your diet, especially when you have an eating disorder is HARD. When you're go-to cheap binge foods aren't vegan, and you're upset and impulsive, it's close to impossible to find vegan foods, especially when you're just starting this journey.

I'm going to start keeping a list of vegan binge foods which are easy to find and not too expensive. I'm not doing this to encourage binging, but as a way to help myself stick to my principles when I binge. I am hoping to recover this year (that's the goal of 2017!!) but I can't expect to be perfect as of today, and the selfhatred will be lower if I can stick to veganism while binging.

I have restarted my 30 days of veganism journey.

Yesterday I had:
Oatmeal, chia seeds, Arbonne protein powder, raspberries
Sweet potato, cucumber hummus, olive oil
Vegetable rolls
Frozen raspberries
Vietnamese sweet and sour veggie soup

Today is off to a good start. My eating disorder is yelling at me to binge and purge, but I think I'm going to get a bit of dark chocolate to soothe the cravings instead of giving in.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

day 2

Day two was a bit tougher due to binge urges. I ended up binging and purging but managed to stay vegan! It wasn't the binge food I wanted so my binge ended up being smaller and less intense then I was hoping but I know that's a good thing.


Breakfast: oats with chocolate stevia
Snack: way too much candy
Lunch: veg sushi, crackers and hummus
Binge/purge
Snack: apple and cranberry juice

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Bulimia shopping

Last night, as I was picking up some (vegan) candy to snack on while going back to the hospital, I saw a girl anxiously pacing through the store.

She had picked up two cold drinks from Tim Hortons, plus chocolate, arrowroot cookies and a bottle of water.

As she was leaving I saw her spit some of her drink into the trash.

It just screamed bulimia. Maybe I look for it because of my illness. She could have been picking up food for a friend. She could have gum in her mouth that she was spitting out. But I got the feeling that she was bulimic.

I wanted to approach her and tell her to be safe, and that it would be okay, but I know if someone did that to me while binge shopping I would be very upset. I just felt an odd connection with this stranger, like we understood each other. I didn't say anything, and I know that's for the best.

But it did get me wondering, who notices me when I'm binge shopping? What do they think of me? Have other bulimics seen me and thought the same way?

Monday, March 6, 2017

Day one

I am embarking on a veganism journey. I've been vegetarian for years, and have been tempted to try veganism but never committed. I have decided to commit for thirty days, and see what happens. It only takes 21 days to form a habit, so I'm hoping that by the end of the thirty days I'll have adjusted to the vegan lifestyle, and be able to continue going forward.

Today I ate:

Breakfast: oats with almonds

Lunch: 3 clif bars on the run

Dinner: Mixed veg, 2 vegan burger patties

Desert/Snack: Salted caramel vegan frozen yogurt, clif bar


I've been running around a lot today; still living at the hospital but being able to go to class, so a had to grab a handful of clif bars to get me through the day. I'm super thankful that they're vegan.

Housing

I don't want to go into too much detail because it will do nothing but upset me.

Since this last hospitalization of mine, things have started to get rough between my roommate and I. The communication between us was quite poor and it lead to some arguments. Thankfully, neither of us are confrontational so there was no yelling or screaming involved, but some very upsetting things were said.

The thing that got to me the most was when my friend said she felt as though I wasn't trying. I'm trying my ass off. I'm not in the hospital to dick around. I'm here to get better. To be safe. If I didn't want to get better I'd be overdosing a lot more, skipping class, binging and purging all the time, and I would have checked myself out of the hospital a long time ago. As much as I want to die, part of me doesn't, and that part of me is working so damn hard to try to get better.

Because of this, my roommate and I have decided to get different houses (well, I decided this and I don't know how much it's affecting her). She hasn't replied to my messages which worries me, I don't want this to be personal, I just think it would be better if we lived apart.

I really wish I could afford to live alone. That's the dream. I'm hoping once I move across the country for graduate school I'll be able to live alone. That means 10 more months of undergrad, paying cheap rent, living with a roommate in order to save up enough money to live alone in 2018. I get a lot of anxiety living with other people, especially with regards to food. The idea that someone else knows exactly what I'm eating makes me feel judged. It makes only my bedroom a safe place, instead of having my entire house be a safe place. I feel as though I need to wear a mask even in my own house.

I'm just hoping I'm able to get my own apartment next year. That's the goal. I need to save my money - which means less binging and purging - in order to have the finances to do so.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Weekend pass

I'm out!!
Well, just for the weekend, but that's a start. If this weekend goes well I'm hoping to get discharged at the end of next week.

My plans for this weekend are pretty boring - studying, studying and more studying...

... except for tonight. Tonight I'm going to my friends, switching out our belly button piercings, re-piercing my nose and having a couple drinks. Probably all with Grey's Anatomy playing in the background.

I'm just so looking forward to getting out and sleeping in my own bed.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

existential crisis, piercings and tattoo

Things are looking up, Finally.

My therapist poked a hole in my existential crisis logic today. My logic was as follows;

We're all going to die. The human race will die. The earth will get engulfed by the sun. What is the point? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Why bother?

He answered me as follows:
Do you watch movies? Or do you skip them because you know their going to end. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter?

He's right. I enjoy movies even though there's no point in the end. We do lots of things that have no point in the end. But we still do them. And we should do life.


In other news I got my belly button pierced today! And no, I'm not at my UGW, and today I decided that that didn't matter. I don't need to be a certain weight to get pierced.

I have updated my tattoo design, which I will hopefully be getting next weekend as long as my discharge goes as planned. The lotus flower represents how I've risen from my eating disorder (neda symbol) and my stepmom's passing (star).

Monday, February 27, 2017

exceptional

I used to want to be exceptional. Better then everyone. Competitive. Driven. I knew that to be the best you had to beat the best. 

I've lost that drive. I don't want to be exceptional anymore. I just want to be normal. I would give up what I'm good at to not be sick. And I've never felt this way before. 

I've always thought I'd be okay being miserable as long as I was exceptional. I'm not anymore. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I just don't care. That scares me. That shows me how badly I'm doing.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Changes

I lost a bunch of weight the first week of being in hospital. Then I lost nothing for the next three weeks. I'm so frustrated. Why can't I just be skinny.

I've decided to go vegan. I'm going to go at it slowly. First of all, I'm not eating eggs. That's step one. Once I get discharged I'm going to off dairy. I'm hoping it helps me. I don't know with what.

I saw the following picture floating around twitter:















I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start making changes. And we'll see what happens.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Anxiety

Today I had a meeting with my thesis supervisor that I didn't end up going to.

I walked up to his office to go talk to him, and two other people were in his office. I panicked. I was too anxious to knock on his door knowing I was interrupting something so I left the building and went to work at my boyfriend's.

I know I should have knocked. He told me to go in and see him which meant he was expecting me. He was okay with my coming in. But my anxiety just couldn't handle it. It was all too much.

Otherwise, today was a really good day. It started off rough - I needed an extra nap and group challenged me to think about where I'm at with my hospitalization and school. But it started looking up.

I had a productive appointment with my doctor. He said I should try to find something to do that I'm not competitive about. Even with writing, I'm always looking at how many blog views I have, or how many people watch my poetry on YouTube. With gymnastics, I'm always focused on the upcoming competition. With school, the focus is on grades. I can't seem to stop comparing myself from others.

I'm thinking of making coloring my thing. Coloring isn't competitive. You just color. It's a good mindful activity as well. I wish Netflix watching could be my thing. But apparently that doesn't count.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Reading week

It's now reading week. Since I haven't been going to classes for the past three weeks it doesn't make much of a difference for me but it does mean that I'm not getting further behind. I'm hoping to catch up this week so I can return to classes on Monday. We'll see though. 

This has been my longest hospitalization so far, and I still don't feel ready to go home. I want to drink and take sleeping pills and drift away into the dark abyss. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm just so damn sick of it.

I just don't want to hurt others. One of the reasons I'm so fucked up is watching my dad and stepmom be sick and having my stepmom pass away. I don't want to be the reason my loved ones are fucked up. I don't want them to have to go through what I'm going through. 

One of my goals for this week is to read more. Not just math, but fiction. I want to reread all the Harry Potters, and finally attack Game of Thrones. If anyone has any book suggestions please let me know!

Sunday, February 19, 2017

psych ward drama

Psych ward drama is always exciting... until you're a part of it. Then it's terrible.

My roommate who takes my stuff has become a nightmare. The good news is, she is no longer my roommate. The bad news is, it took her being violent with me before they moved the rooms around.

It started when she first moved in. I walked into my room and found my tablet on her bed, and she was wearing my scarf. The next morning I woke up to her going through my backpack. That afternoon she had put my laptop in her cupboard and taken my tablet again, along with a lipbalm and some stevia.
I finally got a nurse to take me seriously and gave me the key to lock my dresser. The girl gave me a friendship bracelet, and sat with me. Things seemed to be going okay.
Then that night, she took my container of nuts and started eating them. When I walked into my room she asked me if it was okay that she had taken some nuts. I said sure, but asked her to ask me first next time. She started mocking me and stormed out of the room.
Due to a spat between me and my bestfriend/housemate on top of what was going on with my psych ward roommate I took some ativan before going to sleep.
I woke up at midnight to her kicking my shin. Now I have shin splints so this was extremely painful. She left the room, and I followed her out to go talk to a nurse. I grabbed my tablet and phone with me in order to not get them stolen. She kept on talking about how I'm a bitch and a whore. She saw me following her and turned around and went at me, pushing me against the wall. Being stronger than her I managed to get around her but before I knew it I was pinned up against the other wall. I yelled out stop so that the nurses would come over.
The nurses came out and asked what was going on. She claimed that I had woken her up and taken her things. The nurses figured out pretty quickly that that isn't what happened. They sent her back to her room and I slept in the comfort room.

Today things seem to have sorted themselves out. She got moved to the locked back unit. I got a new roommate, who is the sweetest most wonderful lady. I'm still terrified though. I was happily eating lunch in the lunch room when she walked in. My heart rate rose immediately and I had to leave the room, finishing my lunch in my room.

I hate not being able to feel safe in a safe place.  

Friday, February 17, 2017

Tattoo

I've been either too depressed or too busy to write. I've noticed some improvements in myself over the past week, but I still don't feel safe being discharged. I'm still going to be here for at least another week, so I'm hoping I start feeling safer over the next week. I really want to get discharged, but I'm not sure if I want to get discharged so that I can kill myself, or so I can go back to my normal life.

Monday is a holiday, so I have three days I can spend at home, as long as I come back for the nights. I'm hoping to make it through most of the day, but we'll see what happens. Yesterday I had a pass to go to classes and talk to my profs, and I lost it in the middle of the math building. I got very suicidal and really struggled. I ended up having to cancel on my friend, and headed back to the hospital a couple hours early.

I'm really glad that next week is reading week. I've been trying to keep up but it has been difficult to do so. I'm constantly behind scrambling to balance taking care of myself and doing school work. It's hard to find a balance. I guess that's one of the reasons why I am here - to learn to find a balance.

My new roommate is awful. I woke up to her going through my stuff. Yesterday, I walked into my room and she was wearing my scarf. I'm extremely unimpressed. I've asked to switch rooms a few times now and I'm hoping that the change happens soon.

This has been my longest hospitalization, and quite honestly I need it. I'm really struggling at the moment. Although I'm less suicidal than I was, I still don't feel completely safe.

I met the most wonderful woman here, we became friends almost instantly. We actually have plans to go get tattoos together in the beginning of march! Here's what I want to get done.


Friday, February 10, 2017

purge

TW *I had the WORST binge and purge session today. It was horrendous. Massive nose bleed, coughing up blood, not drinking enough water before hand. It took me fifteen minutes to purge as suppose to my usual thirty seconds. I now feel faint. I'm laying in med watching some gymnastics and trying to get my heart to calm down. I know I should drink an ensure, but my brain is yelling at me.


My hospitalization is going alright. I'm feeling a lot better today then I was over the past few days. I had a really bad pass two days ago. After some productive time at home, cleaning and cooking, I suddenly had the urge to take all my ativan. I went to grab the bottle, and there was nothing left. I guess I had already taken it all during the overdose that landed me in the hospital.

Yesterday I had all my privileges revoked due to my near overdose the day before. It didn't matter much as I spent all day in bed asleep. One of those days, with an incredibly low mood. The lack of coffee didn't help either.

Today was a lot better. I started my morning off with a coffee and some coloring.Taking some time off of school work to color and chat with friends from the ward was very nice. I spent some time doing some algebra homework, but haven't been pushing myself too hard with regards to school today. I'm here for a reason. I need to let myself rest.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

rejection letter

I applied for a job that would have been perfect for me. It was to be a teaching assistant for gifted students in the states - in exactly my area of research. I interviewed on Friday. Today I got the news that I didn't get the job.

When you have borderline personality disorder everything has so much meaning. I didn't get the job. Therefore I'm a failure. Therefore I'm never going to have anything good in my life. Therefore I should give up on school. Therefore I should die.

I know logically it makes no sense. But to me it does. I take rejection hard. I know that these people are strangers, but I got rejected by them. No one wants me.

I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. I lost all motivation.

I want to smash my head into the wall. Maybe that would improve my brain function considering how dumb I apparently am.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Breakdown

I had a day pass with my mom yesterday. She was kind enough to drive the three and a half hours from her place to mine in order to come visit me.

It was lovely. We did some work at my favorite Starbucks (the one in the book store) and went to see a movie. We saw hidden figures which was absolutely amazing, I highly recommend it, especially if you're interested in physics/math/engineering. We then stopped at my house so I could pet my cat and pack up some food to bring to the hospital.

I had a breakdown coming back from the hospital. I asked my mom if she could let me die. I told her that everything was just too difficult and that I couldn't handle it. We cried and hugged and she told me how much she loves me and how she doesn't want to see me go. I really didn't want to go back to the hospital. I was given a glimpse at real life again and then had to let it go. I hate being here. I hate that I'm not safe enough to not be here. I hate that I'm depressed, anxious, borderline and bulimic. I hate that I was dealt these cards. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I just want to go home and play with my cat and do math at my desk and go to classes and go to gymnastics and have a life. I don't have one right now.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Outing

My outing from the hospital went really well last night. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner and had a marvelous time. I only had two hours off the unit, so I didn't have time to go home and drop stuff off like I had hoped, but I was able to enjoy a meal outside of the hospital. My best friend brought me back to the unit after a quick Starbucks stop.

My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive these past few weeks. I had suicide plans on my mind for over a week and he held me tight as I fought through those thoughts. After my attempt, he visited me in the hospital, has been sending me encouraging texts, and has been keeping me up to date with events around the math department.

I can't say as much with regards to my best friend. Me hitting my rock bottom caused her a lot of stress, but she wasn't able to manage it properly. She isolated herself and wasn't supportive. It was really frustrating for me because when the roles were reversed I was by her side 100%. We didn't talk for two days after my admission. We usually don't go two hours without talking to each other. Things have blown over now, but I definitely still am holding a grudge. She was incredibly rude to me when the ambulance came to pick me up and I really could have used some support.

I'm glad my outing went well and that I was able to enjoy time out with two of the most important people in my life. I'm feeling more confident in my abilities to keep myself safe, however I know I'm not ready to leave the hospital yet. When I look out the window I still want to jump. And being accompanied on my time out of the hospital is still definitely necessary. But I'm starting to feel better. They increased my prozac and that has definitely had a positive effect. But I need to give it some time for the medicine to fully kick in and have full effect.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Inpatient

Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I'm trying to get back to blogging regularly but I keep sleeping instead.

I've been inpatient for a week now. After planning and starting to go through with my suicide plan the ambulance showed up at my door and picked me up. I'm here involuntarily but I do accept that I need the admission. I still don't want to keep myself safe, and that's scary. It's good to be somewhere where others can do that for me. We're located on the tenth floor of the hospital and everytime I look outside I want to jump. I guess that's proof that I'm not ready to leave.

It's incredibly boring here. I've been trying to keep up with school work but have been really lacking motivation. I'm hoping to be better by reading week, and if that is case I will still be able to catch up with work. There are a couple groups that brings during the day but not very many... And they aren't mandatory which makes it tempting to just lay in bed with Netflix in the background. But I know that won't help me.

Tonight I get to go off the ward with my boyfriend and roommate. I'm going out for dinner, and super excited to have food that isn't hospital food. I'm really craving a binge purge session and it may be inevitable tonight to be honest. I'll try my best though. I'll get to go home and bring some food I'm more comfortable with onto the ward which I'm excited about.

I've put a reminder to blog on my phone. I love writing to you all and definitely feel calmer when I write. This blog is definitely a journal for me.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Psychiatry appointment

I'm taking on a lot of challenges this term. I'm taking a full course load (programming, algebra, combinatorics, cryptography and finishing my thesis) as well as tutoring and doing an eating disorder recovery group.

I know that this is a lot to take on. But I'm being optimistic. I truly believe that I can do this. Keeping busy has always been helpful for me, and I want to try getting myself ready for graduate school, where I'll be even more busy than I am now.

My psychiatrist was not on board with this plan. She flat out told me she didn't think I could do it and that I should drop classes immediately.  This really upset me. I know I'm taking on a lot. And the reminder that I can drop classes and put my mental health first is always welcoming. However, I was really hoping that she would be more supportive. Congratulate me for trying. I haven't been this motivate in quite a long time and having her crush that with thoughts of failure was really disappointing.

I mentioned my anxiety being very high lately, and she said we could consider putting me on Lyrica. I'm usually all for trying new medication, but my current medication regime has helped a lot, and I don't want to mess it up. Additionally, she said that this medication can cause drowsiness lingering into the day even if taken at night, and that is just about the last thing I need right now. I'm not struggling with over sleeping as much as I was at the end of last year, but it is still a struggle, and I don't want to do anything that would make that worse. If anyone has any experience with Lyrica please let me know!