It's been two weeks since I lasted blogged and my life has been pretty crazy since then. Exam season is upon us and it's a busy and stressful time.
My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.
I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.
I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.
Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.
Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.
I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.