Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Donald Fucking Trump

I don't like getting too political on this blog. This is a blog to express how I feel, what it's like to go through life with an eating and personality disorder, and for me to share positive or negative things that have happened in my life.

But today is different.

Today I'm scared.

I'm a Canadian and I'm scared.

I'm a white Canadian and I'm scared.

Most of my fears are anticipatory, and I know that many Americans who are visible minorities have much more to fear, but that doesn't make my fears any less valid. I want to help, I want to invite all my American friends to live in my house, I want to go personally save every person of colour, every member of the LGBTQ community, and every woman. But there is so little I can do.


On a more personal level, I've been feeling extremely angry, depressed, anxious and unmotivated since the election was called. Why? Because it has been my dream for 10 years to study at Berkeley. To get accepted to UC Berkeley's Ph.D. math program. To work with the top mathematicians, in beautiful city, in a wonderful state.
But what would happen if I went now? Would I get shot for going to a gay bar? Would I get arrested for seeking mental health help? I don't want to live in a country where there's even a chance of those things happening. I don't want to live in a country where everyone owns a gun, and school shootings are daily news.
But I've had this vision. Of me on the beach doing math. Of me studying at one of the top universities. Me being able to look back and say I've made it. I've been dreaming about this for years, and I've finally made it.
I may never have the opportunity to live out these dreams now. And I know that I'll make new dreams, and new plans and I'm sure I'll find something that will make me feel just as proud, but right now, my reason to study, my reason to live, is drifting away.


Obviously, me not being able to go to Berkeley is minor compared to what may happen to the world. But I'm still allowed to feel this way. I'm still allowed to be upset. One of the things I've learned over the past three years of therapy, is that no matter how minor your problem may seem in the grand scheme of things, you're allowed to feel how you feel. You're allowed to be upset over what is happening to you, as long as you stay mindful about the magnitude of the issue.
So I'm going to feel. I'm going to be upset that my dream is being ripped away. But I'm also going to accept. Right now, there's nothing I can do but wait and see what happens.

Sending love and warm hugs to anyone being negatively affected by this election in any way.

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