Monday, November 21, 2016

Clean: day 1

I'd say it's day one of recovery if I was fully committed to eating fear foods, gaining weight, etcetera. But I'm not. Im simply determined to stop binging and purging. If this means I need to maintain my weight for a bit then so be it. Ideally though, once I'm clean for a bit I'll go back to trying to lose.

Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.

All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.


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