Thursday, October 27, 2016

Update

It's been a while since I've written, and let you know how I've been doing.

Things have been okay... well not really okay, but I've been getting by. My depression, impulsivity and dissociation as increased a fair bit over the past couple weeks.

I got a 60% on my real analysis (upper year math) test a couple weeks ago and it triggered a downward spiral. I stopped getting out of bed at the same time every day, stopped being consistent with my medication, let my eating disorder. I know having symptoms isn't my fault and that being sick isn't my fault, but at one point, it's my decision whether or not I decide to engage in self care. I wasn't filling in my CBT journal, so I was letting my thoughts go while and not reframing them. I wasn't tracking my eating patterns so I didn't know what to work on to improve them. I wasn't training effectively, so I got injured.

I know that getting a 60% on an upper year math course doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm passing a fourth year math course. Which is tough to do. But I also need to accept reality. A 60% will not get me into grad school. I need to work my ass off to improve my marks. Which means focusing on school. School must be my first priority. That means I need to prioritize school over losing weight (as I mentioned in my last post).

My roommate is doing a lot better. She's no longer overdosing or hurting herself, and she overcame her restricting lapse. She's still struggling, but I no longer am worried about her all the time.

I have four tutoring clients right now, and quit my kitchen job. This is so much better for me than working in a kitchen ever was. I love tutoring and feel so good about helping others, while making money. It's enough to support me, and even get a bit of extra money (assuming I don't spend it all on binge food).

My boyfriend and I are still going strong. In fact, we had a few really good conversations, and things are better than ever. It's hard to think that he might be on the other side of the world next year, but we're taking things day by day, enjoying the time we have together.

Although the last few weeks have been tough, I really feel like I can turn things around. I started off sleeping in and not having my planned breakfast, but I've really turned things around. I'm at my desk, showered, studying and blogging, and heading off to tutor in five minutes.

I hope you're all doing well. I haven't been keeping up with you all with all my midterms, but after my last one tomorrow, I'll be sure to catch up on everything that I missed!

I love you all

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