Thursday, October 20, 2016

Exposure

I'm back in the children's hospital where I was first admitted for my depression and suicidal thoughts. It's strange. I'm not here because I'm sick (even if I was I can no longer be treated here as I'm an adult) but to participate in a medical study.

For some reason I'm a lot more anxious then I was expecting to be. My heart is pounding in my chest and I'm shaking. I'm getting flashbacks from when my stepmom was sick which is quite common for me in hospitals, but I'm getting flashbacks from my admission three years ago. This has never really happened to me.. but I'm remembering the locked doors, the awful groups and the tears. I really was at my worst.

Being here is bringing back those feelings of intense sadness anger and loneliness. I'm remembering my parents faces as they cried because their baby girl wanted to die.

I want to bolt. To not partake in this study. It's completely voluntary and I can leave if I wish. But this is good for me. Although I'm being bombarded with feelings and anxious as hell I'm safe. I'm grounding myself and reframing my thoughts. Exposure is good for me, and I will fight through these feelings.

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