Thursday, September 1, 2016

Is this recovery?

I seem to be heading back to where I was three years ago. Managing an eating disorder driven by anxiety, but fully functioning and very few suicidal thoughts. In terms of my BPD, I still have abandonment issues but I no longer feel the need to engage in extreme behaviors around real or perceived abandonment. I hate to admit it, but a lot of this comes from practicing radical acceptance.
In terms of my depression, I have felt so much better since my meds got adjusted. I feel excited and I also feel low, but I don't feel impulsive when I feel low, so I'm in quite a safer place. My low moods are also a lot less low than they used to be. If there was a scale, where 0 was the worst depression, and 20 was the best mood (and 10 was neutral), I used to bounce between 0 and 20 with no room in the middle. I know feel like on an average day I hover between an 8 and a 12, and on mad days I go from 4 to 16. This is a lot of improvement. I've found a middle ground. I've also learned how relationships should work. I've been with Kyle for over a year and he's incredibly supportive, and I support him when he needs it. Over the summer I needed more support than I was giving, but now that I'm doing better, he's opening a bit more and I'm able to give him more support. I'm still struggling a lot with some family issues, and maybe I should try some radical acceptance worksheets to help with this. But overall, I'm extremely proud of myself.

If I keep this up, I might get through the year positively, learn a lot, and not let my grades suffer. I will become diagnostically clear of BPD, and depression. Of course, I'll need to stay on the meds I'm on for quite some time (maybe forever) and I have no problem with that. If medication is what I need to feel a normal spectrum of emotions, motivate me to do the things I love, and make sure I don't ever hallucinate again, I'm quite happy to continue using them. I take a lot of medication. Then again, I'm very sick, and this amount of medication is what works for me. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin once the insulin starts working and they are managing, so don't tell me to stop taking my psych meds if my psych meds are working.

I'm very confident that I won't be overdosing any time soon. I feel comfortable having more meds around the house, and no longer feel the urge to swallow the bottle. I can't wait to get back into the gym and I can't do that if I land myself in hospital again. I can't get to the level I want to get to in gymnastics if I keep overdosing and harming my body in other ways.

I do need to find a balance with my anxiety, bulimia and school work. I've started making meal plans, and I promise I'm trying my best to follow them, but I still get urges to binge and purge (for emotional reasons, after a stressful conversation or triggering event). Last night after a 2am binge, I didn't vomit and I can't seem to allow myself to eat food now. I get home at 8:30 and that will be 18 hours since I've last eaten, and I know I can't allow myself to do this. I plan on having two apples, two bananas and a bowl of oatmeal to make up for it. It will still be low but it will be enough to have a good sleep, and start again with my food plan tomorrow. It's all about trying every single day.

So I know I'm getting better, especially with the DBT and depression aspects. But my anxiety and eating disorder are still very loud. And the strange thing is... I'm okay with that. The anxiety gets me good grades as I over study. The eating disorder gives me control when it doesn't get out of hand.

So is this really recovery?

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