Friday, September 30, 2016

emergency

I'm sitting in a bed in the medical emergency unit of my city's hospital after an overdose.

This overdose didn't come out of no where - I hadn't taken my meds properly for two days, and everything crumbled today. My bank wasn't helpful, I had to use a loan to pay for gymnastics, and even then didn't have it in me to go hand in my forms. Between the ste

I rescheduled today's plans for later this weekend or next week, and hopefully that all works out, There is the unfortunate chance that I'm stuck here for 24 hours.

My doctor thankfully just walked in and said my tylenol levels were fine. I just need to get one more text done, and I should be out in just over an hour!

So, overall, this experience wasn't too bad.

The only real bad part about the experience was the ambulance ride over,
This paramedic had been to our place a week before to pick up my roommate after an ativan overdose. She decided that it was her job to tell us how we should be living our lives, and kept on insinuating the relationship between my friend and I was destructive. Does she have depression? Does she know how supportive it is to live with someone who understands? It's your job to take patients to the hospital in a safe manner. Not to judge our lives.

Lapse

I've been doing so well over the past month. No overdoses, no self harm.
My recovery has been a roller coaster only going up. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down.

After two days of my meds not being taken properly, I grabbed a handful of Tylenol and and threw it down with a coffee.

I'm in the emerg right now, regretting everything.

I'm so functional while all on my meds. But the second I dotnt have them life goes to shit.

My problem has  solution - take my meds. Be more assertive with my medication needs with my dr and pharmacist. I can make a plan for how to get through a day without meds.

I can find a way to make things work. But first, I need to get through today.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Starbucks

Today I had the unfortunate experience of walking into Starbucks and seeing the calorie content of every drink posted beside the price in the menu.

The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.

The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.

Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.

Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.

Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Boundaries respected.

Sexual assault trigger warning.

My current partner is an amazingly respectful man, and has never once made me feel, or put me in a position, where I have felt sexually uncomfortable. I had a recent pregnancy scare that has made me feel very anxious about sex, and my partner has been extremely understanding. I have had partners in the past however, who have made me feel at fault for not wanting to reciprocate their sexual advances.

I'm one of the unlucky 1 in 4 Canadian women who have been sexually harassed while at work. My experience wasn't violent and didn't result in rape, but still needs to be talked about.

The first time I experienced this was while working the summer between first and second year. I worked at a popular coffee and donut store and one of my coworkers made sexual advances. After telling him I wasn't interested, he persisted. This advanced to a point where I was being touched inappropriately at work, being called a bitch (from him as well as other coworkers) for not sleeping with him, and pressured into sexual activities.

I was told it was inappropriate, but I was told it was normal. That I had to accept the fact that my bottom would be squeezed, my upper inner thigh felt, my breasts touched and my waist held.

This is the first I've really talked about the experience I had a couple summers ago. I still feel as though what I went through doesn't count as anything bad because I wasn't raped. I still feel as though I was asking for it. I have a flirty personality and had slept with one of my other coworkers. Wasn't I asking for it?

--

Last night I had an absolutely wonderful experience that made me rethink everything.

I was with my partner in bed, and as clothing started to come off I started to feel anxious. I asked if we could stop.

I didn't have to put up a fight or even be aggressive about the way I asked. I asked in a very tentative voice and the response was amazing. He stopped right away and gave me a hug. I apologized time and time again, saying I was sorry that I wasn't ready and he told me it was absolutely okay. That we wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.

I thought back to our first date. When we went back to my place and were having fun. But the second I told him I wanted to slow down, he did right away, and didn't put up the slightest fight.

This is how things should be. This is what the response should be when someone doesn't want to have sex. This is how boundaries should be respective.

--

I shouldn't need to apologize for only doing what I'm comfortable with. I'm not an object to be used by others for their pleasure. I'm a human. And no one should be allowed to use me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Are relationships worth it?

I have a hard time with relationships, BPD can do that to you. It's hard to trust that someone loves you when all you've known is loved ones leaving.

I'm scared. I've been anxious lately and my boyfriend and I seem less connected then before. He got some bad news, and since then I just feel a disconnect. Like this disappointment has caused us to drift apart. I know he tends to isolate when the going gets tough, but I can't help but think that it's because he doesn't trust me to be supportive.

Sometimes I wonder if relationships are worth it. If I was single I wouldn't have these worries that my partner was going to leave me. I wouldn't be worried about being left alone. I wouldn't have this sinking feeling in my heart when he says he can't come over. Maybe if I was single all of this stress would go away.

But, I love him. I really do. And leaving him because of the way he copes would be ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with our relationship when I look at the facts. But why do I still have this sinking feeling in my heart?

Monday, September 26, 2016

Everyone wants to be thin, nobody wants to be sick

But where do you draw the line?
When does thinness become an illness?

Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.

Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.

What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.

You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.

It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.

We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.

There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.

Thinness and success are not synonymous.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Compare

My best friend attempted suicide last night. I don't know what to think. What to do. I went to the hospital with her last night, and visited this morning (she's been admitted to a medical unit for a couple days but isn't getting admitted to psych). I started micromanaging everything that was going on because that was easier than having feelings.

I've managed to continue taking care of myself (other than the whole eating thing...). But I've managed to shower, get dressed, put make up on, visit my boyfriend and do some school work. I managed to remain functional and not self harm.

This is triggering for me to say the least. And here are were the fucked up thoughts start to come in. Her suicide attempt had me thinking about mine. How my attempts didn't land me in a medical unit. How I got formed and she didn't. How the cops didn't come to talk to me after mine.

Why must I compare our illnesses?

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Firing my therapist

I've had a few issues with my therapist lately.

Between my discharge from hospital and trip to British Columbia I had a very important one hour session booked. She rescheduled it to a different day, but didn't tell me that it was a half hour session instead of an hour. Not only that, but we got into a fight about my whether or not I should keep my job as well as my course of treatment. It wasn't just a conversation; it got hostile.

Since then, she's cancelled on me twice and could only rebook me on September 30th.

Over the summer, when I was paying her privately, she could get me in in a heartbeat. Now that I'm not paying her privately (as my therapy is with the school) she can't fit me in for weeks? I was in the hospital a month ago. You'd think she'd care.

So she's getting fired. I don't know how to go about telling her though. Should i send her an email or just never contact her again?

I'm debating what to do next with regards to therapy. I'm thinking of taking a little tine off, and then seeing either a CBT therapist or an eating disorder therapist.

Lots of things to think about.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Working with food

I work in a kitchen this year, the kitchen in our school pub. I actually quite like it.

My therapist said it's quite common for eating disorder patients to work in the food industry - probably because our obsession with food is so strong, jobs in this industry attract us.

I've only had three shifts so far, but so far it hasn't been triggering at all. I love the work. Yes I get disgusted by the fryers and some of the sauces, but that's no different than before. I love cooking, and it's always been hard to cook with my bulimia, as it would often result in a binge.

This is great - it lets me cook, and keeps me busy, and not allowing my to binge and purge.

Of course, it's easy to say that everything is going great at the beginning. I have another three shifts today, so we'll see how that goes.



Sunday, September 11, 2016

Tears

They say that random crying
Can be a symptom of
Depression, but I've never really
Had that symptom at all.

I've always had the numb
Feeling, the one where there's
A lump at the back of your
Throat, and you want to cry, but
you
just
can't.

 
Today was different though
Everything was fine and
Then I cried and cried and
I can barely see what I'm
Typing as tears are blurring
My eyes and I don't know what
Hit me.

Everything seems like
Too much. My class graduates
This year, I'm taking an extra
Year so I graduate next year but
The idea is still terrifying.

My boyfriend graduates this
Year and has big and grand plans
That I fully support but I want to
Know what will happen.

I guess maybe it's good that
I can finally cry, but it feels
So strange and vulnerable. Maybe
I've broken down a wall of
Numbness and this is what happens
But it's new and it's strange
Like all other things
In my life.

Family time

My family came down to visit my yesterday, and, as much as I love them, I do struggle spending time with them.

It was mostly a good visit though, after a nice chat, we headed out to Candian Tire to fix a few things in my house, and then went for a hike. Kyle was super busy but managed to take about an hour away from his work to come have lunch with us, which I really appreciated. He writes his math GRE in under a week, so I understand how much pressure he is under, but he still takes some time for me and that means the world to me.

It's still tough for me to be around family, the relationship between my mom and step dad can be a big trigger for me. I'm constantly worried that they will split up as they fight a fair bit, and I don't know how I would handle that.

My relationship with my stepdad has been improving though. When we talk about neutral subjects like math and university life and gymnastics things are great. It's when we start talking about my illness that things get rocky.

Overall, I have to say that this is the best visit I've had with my mom's side of the family in quite a long time.


Friday, September 9, 2016

Being bi

I think that being bisexual is one of the toughest things I've had to come to accept about myself.
Not because I thought it was bad or wrong. Not because my parents thought it was bad or wrong.
Not even because society thought it was bad or wrong.

Because the way that some of the LGBTQ community views bisexuals.

I've seen posts on tumblr where people in the LGBTQ community saying that bisexuals are wrong, are just looking for relationships or hiding their sexuality.

As a bisexual female in a heterosexual relationship, I feel attacked, and some seem to think that I'm hiding my sexuality behind my relationships. I love my boyfriend. Very much. I genuinely fell in love with him, and he knows I'm bisexual and doesn't care. He knows I lost my virginity to a girl and doesn't care. And if we break up I might date a girl later on.

I am bisexual.

It is a valid sexuality. And I shouldn't have to feel attacked by the some of the LGBTQ community as well as society in general.

Dinner

I'm trying to eat
My dinner but it's
Been 53 minutes
And I'm not even
Half way through this
Bowl of macaroni

My roommate is being
Wonderful  and sweet
Staying with me as I take
Forever to try and eat
Dinner

Food has been hard
Lately, and I'm at a new
Low weight but feel so
Incredibly large. I thought
I was different.

I was warned that as
I lose weight by body image
Would drop, but I thought
That I would be different, that
I would love my new skinny
Body.

I was wrong. I hate
That I can't eat
A 600 calorie dinner
In under an hour. I hate that
I think my boyfriend is
Avoiding me because I'm fat,
And not that he just
Has a lot of work to
Do.

It's now been an hour
And I'm still struggling
Away.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Twice to be gone

I promised to wait
Another ten years, but
The hatred inside
Of me ruined the night

We had plans to see
Each other the
Next day, but I tried
Twice to be gone

I lied and told
You that walks are nice
When I was heading to
The pharmacy

I went to sleep
With hope that I
Would cease
To be

I told you the next day
That I did "Something dumb"
But never told you
To what extent

I took enough to stop
A heart
But your love
Kept mine beating

You brought me a sweater
And gave me a hug
But nothing would make up
For the pain that I caused

The rail road tracks
On the front of my arms
Don't lead to where I want to go
And I tried twice to be gone

I tried to go by failure of
Heart and maybe
That shows how
Much I love you

I can never be
Sorry enough for
What I did and I tried

Twice to be gone

Senior year

Senior year of University.
Except not really
Because I got sick
So I have to do a 5th
Year. What is that called?
A victory lap,
It doesn't feel like a
Victory to me.

I write a thesis this
Year then come back to
Take a few extra courses so
I can graduate before going
On to do 6 more years of
School with my
Masters and Ph.D.

I spend my life in school
And can't decide if
I love it or hate it. I suppose
Both can be true if you
Look at it as a dialectic
I love it more than I
Hate it, or I wouldn't stick
Through it this long

I love the learning, the
Expansion of my mind
I just can't seem to handle
The pressure. The need to be
Top of the class to get into
Graduate programs to get
A good job. Everything is always
Just about chasing the future
And it's coming at me
Way to quickly

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Future stress

I don't feel like I'm moving along in time. I dont feel like I'm going forward and living life as time goes by. I feel like time is bombarding me. Like I'm standing still and time is rushing at me like a wave trying to push me over and drag me across the ocean floor. I'm doing everything I can do not to drown, but my color coded calendar doesn't help much when water damaged.

Friday, September 2, 2016

numbers, food, exercising (tw)

I did some research into how many calories I would burn doing various exercises. I definitely thought that I was properly compensating when I was exercising but this research enlightened me. I need to increase my pre and post workout meals dramatically if I want to exercise as much as I plan to.


Thursday, September 1, 2016

Is this recovery?

I seem to be heading back to where I was three years ago. Managing an eating disorder driven by anxiety, but fully functioning and very few suicidal thoughts. In terms of my BPD, I still have abandonment issues but I no longer feel the need to engage in extreme behaviors around real or perceived abandonment. I hate to admit it, but a lot of this comes from practicing radical acceptance.
In terms of my depression, I have felt so much better since my meds got adjusted. I feel excited and I also feel low, but I don't feel impulsive when I feel low, so I'm in quite a safer place. My low moods are also a lot less low than they used to be. If there was a scale, where 0 was the worst depression, and 20 was the best mood (and 10 was neutral), I used to bounce between 0 and 20 with no room in the middle. I know feel like on an average day I hover between an 8 and a 12, and on mad days I go from 4 to 16. This is a lot of improvement. I've found a middle ground. I've also learned how relationships should work. I've been with Kyle for over a year and he's incredibly supportive, and I support him when he needs it. Over the summer I needed more support than I was giving, but now that I'm doing better, he's opening a bit more and I'm able to give him more support. I'm still struggling a lot with some family issues, and maybe I should try some radical acceptance worksheets to help with this. But overall, I'm extremely proud of myself.

If I keep this up, I might get through the year positively, learn a lot, and not let my grades suffer. I will become diagnostically clear of BPD, and depression. Of course, I'll need to stay on the meds I'm on for quite some time (maybe forever) and I have no problem with that. If medication is what I need to feel a normal spectrum of emotions, motivate me to do the things I love, and make sure I don't ever hallucinate again, I'm quite happy to continue using them. I take a lot of medication. Then again, I'm very sick, and this amount of medication is what works for me. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin once the insulin starts working and they are managing, so don't tell me to stop taking my psych meds if my psych meds are working.

I'm very confident that I won't be overdosing any time soon. I feel comfortable having more meds around the house, and no longer feel the urge to swallow the bottle. I can't wait to get back into the gym and I can't do that if I land myself in hospital again. I can't get to the level I want to get to in gymnastics if I keep overdosing and harming my body in other ways.

I do need to find a balance with my anxiety, bulimia and school work. I've started making meal plans, and I promise I'm trying my best to follow them, but I still get urges to binge and purge (for emotional reasons, after a stressful conversation or triggering event). Last night after a 2am binge, I didn't vomit and I can't seem to allow myself to eat food now. I get home at 8:30 and that will be 18 hours since I've last eaten, and I know I can't allow myself to do this. I plan on having two apples, two bananas and a bowl of oatmeal to make up for it. It will still be low but it will be enough to have a good sleep, and start again with my food plan tomorrow. It's all about trying every single day.

So I know I'm getting better, especially with the DBT and depression aspects. But my anxiety and eating disorder are still very loud. And the strange thing is... I'm okay with that. The anxiety gets me good grades as I over study. The eating disorder gives me control when it doesn't get out of hand.

So is this really recovery?

Fairy tale

I once read a fairy tale, and there
Was a mom and dad who lived
Happily ever after. I learned early
That my life wasn't a fairy tale

Because my parents didn't live
Together for long, and the chaos
Began, and the next thing I knew, was that
The fairy tale I read, would not be my life.

I once read a fairy tale and the
Stepmother was mean but I am
So grateful for the my stepmother.
I'm glad my story's not a fairy tale,

But maybe the fairy tale was between
My dad and his new wife, who fell into
True love after fighting for their
Lives and battled to be together.

I once read a fairy tale and the couple
Lives happily ever after but Cindy
Kept fighting but was defeated, and
My life was no longer a fairy tale.

I met a boy when I was 13
And I swore he could be the one,
But when you're 13 he's never the
One, and my life still wasn't a fairy tale.

I once read a fairy tale and the damsel
Was in distress. She need a
Strong prince to save her, and love her,
And carry her away

Not too long ago I was damsel
In distress, but I didn't need
Someone to save me, just someone
To love me as I found myself.

I once read a fairy tale and well that's not
Reality, but I found a gentlemen who sweeps
Me off my feet while I save myself and
I like to call what we have a fairy tale romance

Because we bring out the best in each
Other. But one day we'll go our own separate
Ways, maybe you don't get a fairy tale life,

But many mini fairy tales throughout