Saturday, August 13, 2016

Leaving on a jet plane

I got discharged from the hospital on Thursday, and two days later I'm flying to Vancouver for a Women in Math conference/summer school. I'm definitely on edge, having felt good and safe for less than a week, I'm definitely worried that old thoughts will creep back in.

But I have a safety plan. I will be okay. I will take my meds properly and immerse myself in the beauty of the west coast and of mathematics. I will network and make great connections.

Why am I so anxious?

I'm worried I won't understand the topics being presented. The topics being covered aren't in my area of mathematics, so I'm worried that I'm going to be behind compared to everyone else.

I'm worried of what will happen if I have a depressive or anxious episode while away from all my regular supports.

I'm worried that I'll get bad again. I haven't been good for very long. And I'm scared that if I get bad, I won't make it back home.

I know I can do it though. I know I have it in me to stay safe and get through this. I know that I will figure out the math, and that the beauty of the beach will give me a reason to live.

All these worries have already caused me to binge and purge (on super expensive airport food). I can't keep that up on my trip. Hopefully this will have been my last binge and purge for the next couple weeks.

This late at night, I'm just tired. I know once morning comes and I'm bright eyed and busy tailed a lot of these worries will disappear. My flight leaves in 45 minutes, and then I'll be able to get some good sleep. Until then, a diet coke will have to do.

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