I need to learn to treat my body nicely. I need to learn that it's okay to eat. I need to learn that if I fill myself with good balanced food, I won't feel the need to binge and purge. I need to learn that my life will be okay even if I gain a few pounds.
I need to learn that my career and life goals need to come before my weight goals. I need to learn that suicide can't be the answer. I need to learn that if I work my ass off, good things will come to me. I need to learn to stop playing the victim card.
I need to start taking recovery more seriously. I need to get better. I need to work to get better, not just wait around hoping one day I'll feel completely ready to recover.
My mom once told me: "you can have anything but not everything". It's true. I can have the career I want, I can reach my goal weight, I can be a nationally ranked gymnast. I can't be all of these. I have to choose. And I choose my career/academic goals.
Effort won't betray you.