Saturday, August 27, 2016

Fingers

Finger 1 started in year 1 of high school when I ate five chocolate bars and tried to throw up. Finger 1 tried and tried and tried but it wasn't until ear 1 of university in the midst of a panic attack was finger one successful at letting me purge. As I purged more and more using finger 1 my gag reflex lessened as quickly as my mood. Soon finger 1 was all I was living for and when I realized that I was no longer in control of finger 1 and that finger 1 was in control of me it felt like I had nothing to live for. 

After botched attempts to kill the demon I started using finger 2 because maybe I had control of finger 2. It was year 2 of university and finger 2 helped with my lessening gag reflex and allowed me to empty more and more. You can't be happy on a malnourished brain and the depression got worse and there were many more attempts to kill the demon. There stopped being a purpose to life.

I made it to year 3 of university though and that's when finger 3 came into play, because my gag reflex no longer worked with just finger 2. As I started using finger 3 more and more it became evident that my past was haunting me. Nightmares triggering the use of finger 3 which triggered the nightmares ended up being an endless cycle. 

But year 4 of university will break the cycle. Year 4 will be the year I use fingers 1, 2 and 3 positively. On finger 1 I'll tattoo the eating disorder recovery symbol, representing the start of it all. On finger 2 I'll tattoo a semi colon, for the life I wanted to end but didn't. On finger 3 I'll tattoo a star, so that my past can be with me, not haunting me. 

Fingers 1, 2 and 3 will be strength and no longer my weakness. 

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