Friday, July 22, 2016

Updated fall plans

I hinted at this a little, in my most recent spoken word, faking perfection, but I have changed my plans for the fall. 

I will be returning to school full time. I will be taking two math classes each term, and writing my undergraduate thesis. The plan after this year is to transfer to a different university across the country.

I tried looking at treatment options. I tried to convince myself I was ready to admit that I ended an inpatient or day hospital program. I was unable to do so. Gymnastics is still such a large positive part of my life, that when I think about leaving the sport for three months my heart aches. I tried not going to gymnastics for two months starting in May, and if anything it made my disorder worse. 

There are plenty of benefits of being a full time student, including seeing my therapist for free. I also found a student job on campus that works around my school timetable. 

I've started studying for my courses already, I'm hoping that helps me not get too stressed in the fall. If I know the material, I'll really just have to focus on my test anxiety. And I do believe that when it comes to test anxiety, exposure therapy really is the way to go. I'm going to do lots of practice exams and really work on doing well under stressful situations. If anyone has any ideas to work on test anxiety please let me know! 

I'm really excited for my fall courses and to get started on my thesis. I have an awesome supervisor, and a topic that combines two of my three favorite areas of math. 

Eating wise, I'm struggling but getting by. I can no longer afford to let my eating disorder ruin my education, so I'm doing what I can to be as functional as possible. I might not be able to kick the disorder, but I can make it easier to manage, do harm reduction, and be less symptomatic. 

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