Friday, July 8, 2016


I don't use this blog to talk about politics. 

I'm not involved in world politics at all. I vote, but that's about it. I pay little attention to international affairs - not because I don't want to, but because I find it very upsetting, and it has too much of an effect on my mood. Yes, I am choosing to be ignorant. But until I have more of a handle on my emotions I think that this is the right decision for me.

I do read headlines though, and try to be aware of what's going on, without going into the details. Lately what's been hitting really close to home are all the shootings in the US. 

I'm Canadian, and have lived in Canada for most of my life, other than a few years I spent in California. I loved California. It's always been my goal to go back. 

Now, I realize that this is a very self-centered point of view. But I feel as though everything that I'm working for is being jeopardized.

My motivation to get better and to keep on living, is so that I can go study math in graduate school in California. That's been the plan for 6 years now. That's why I'm working so hard, why I'm forcing myself to take an extra year of undergrad, why I'm not letting myself fall into a full blown relapse. Reminding myself of this plan is what convinces me to go the hospital after overdoses, or call 911 when I'm having serious chest palpitations. It's what convinces me to live. Because I have this image, of me learning math by the ocean. And to me that is beautiful. That is what I want. 

But now all these shootings are happening. And the idea of moving to the states is terrifying. Between the presidential race looking bleak, the homophobia, and the pile of shootings, I don't feel safe moving to California. If I was given the option of moving tomorrow, I would turn it down. I don't think I've ever said that before. 

California's always been the dream, Berkeley the top choice. And I'm currently too scared to go. It's throwing me into a bit of an existential crisis. I've always known that California was where I'd end up. Even if I don't get into grad school, the plan is still to move there. Even if I end up at a dead end job, I want it to be in California. 

What am I doing if I'm no longer working towards that? 

Why can't the world be a nicer place? 


  1. The world really is a sad place... I don't read much news for the same reason. It's just too upsetting.

    There have been a lot more shootings here down under recently too. Not mass shootings, but one-on-one violence is still scary. Doesn't help with the fear of leaving the house, that's for sure.


  2. I have exactly the same. I couldn't go out for a couple of days when Jo Cox (an MP over here) was murdered because I was so paranoid about getting murdered myself. I do a lot of activism, but it does really get me down at times, and all the bad stuff that happens in the world makes me scared that something horrible will happen to me. I'm scared of getting trains because of terrorist attacks that have happened in the past (IRA and 7/7 and so on.) I know it's not entirely rational, but I guess EDs can make us feel more vulnerable.

    There's a rise in nationalism, racism and the far right in this country, and Europe in general. I keep thinking back to Europe in the 1930s, which was the last time something like this has happened, and that didn't exactly end well... Hoping we've all learnt from mistakes of the past, but throughout history humans have always come up with more sophisticated ways of killing each other.

    I'd say keep going, keep following your dreams. The world looks bleak but only we have the power to change that, no matter how small.