I don't use this blog to talk about politics.
I'm not involved in world politics at all. I vote, but that's about it. I pay little attention to international affairs - not because I don't want to, but because I find it very upsetting, and it has too much of an effect on my mood. Yes, I am choosing to be ignorant. But until I have more of a handle on my emotions I think that this is the right decision for me.
I do read headlines though, and try to be aware of what's going on, without going into the details. Lately what's been hitting really close to home are all the shootings in the US.
I'm Canadian, and have lived in Canada for most of my life, other than a few years I spent in California. I loved California. It's always been my goal to go back.
Now, I realize that this is a very self-centered point of view. But I feel as though everything that I'm working for is being jeopardized.
My motivation to get better and to keep on living, is so that I can go study math in graduate school in California. That's been the plan for 6 years now. That's why I'm working so hard, why I'm forcing myself to take an extra year of undergrad, why I'm not letting myself fall into a full blown relapse. Reminding myself of this plan is what convinces me to go the hospital after overdoses, or call 911 when I'm having serious chest palpitations. It's what convinces me to live. Because I have this image, of me learning math by the ocean. And to me that is beautiful. That is what I want.
But now all these shootings are happening. And the idea of moving to the states is terrifying. Between the presidential race looking bleak, the homophobia, and the pile of shootings, I don't feel safe moving to California. If I was given the option of moving tomorrow, I would turn it down. I don't think I've ever said that before.
California's always been the dream, Berkeley the top choice. And I'm currently too scared to go. It's throwing me into a bit of an existential crisis. I've always known that California was where I'd end up. Even if I don't get into grad school, the plan is still to move there. Even if I end up at a dead end job, I want it to be in California.
What am I doing if I'm no longer working towards that?
Why can't the world be a nicer place?