Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Perseverance

I've gotten shot down time and time again. I'm one of those 'hopeless' cases no one wants to help. I guess when your still suicidal after four hospitalizations and the max amount of anti depressants they can give you, doctors no longer know what to do. 

In some ways, I've had an extremely lucky upbringing. Supportive parents, great friends, wonderful teammates, and big goals. But no matter how lucky you are, life always gets in the way. It started with my parents divorce, followed by rejection, loss and despair. 

Between this rocky, although happy, upbringing, and losing the genetic lottery, the depression, anxiety, bulimia, and borderline personality were in full swing by the time I was 17. 

I'm what they call a high-functioning mentally ill patient. But under that high-functioning mask, is a lost girl who wakes up at 5 every morning because it takes an hour to will herself out of bed. A girl who spends hours staring at herself in the mirror and hunching over a toilet bowl swearing to herself that she won't ever eat again. A girl who thinks of blades, and ropes, and bridges and pills. 

I'm a therapists worst nightmare. Smart enough to know all the tricks up their sleeves, but not smart enough to listen. Smart enough to be self aware of everything I'm doing but not smart enough to stop. Every time I start thinking I could live a life without my illnesses I come crashing down, fully relapsing into the self harm, purging and other destructive behaviors. Every time I think I'll never slice my skin open or stick my fingers down my throat every again, I end up losing it all, setting my days clean count back to zero.

Every time I think I can break loose and start to walk away, something about this demon pulls me back to the start. I'm like one of those monkeys in a monkey trap. Forever stuck because I won't let go of that stupid banana. 

Don't you dare say I'm not trying

I spend most nights crying, counting my pills until I fall asleep wondering if I have the tools to kill myself without leaving my bed. 

But I wake every God damn morning and eat breakfast. 

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