Monday, July 11, 2016

One year

When you suffer from borderline personality disorder, relationships can be very difficult to maintain. 

When I got diagnosed, I swore myself off of romantic relationships. I went on dates, hooked up with people I didn't know, and didn't call them after. 

When my boyfriend asked me out a year and two days ago it took everything in my to not answer with "but I'm crazy".

It took everything in me to set boundaries on our first date, exactly one year ago. 

Last night we celebrated our year together. 

I made us quiche, brownies and iced tropical tea lemonade. A year ago I never would have imagined cooking and eating with someone else. I never would have imagined being in a relationship for an entire year. I didn't think it was possible. 

I'm not saying it's been easy. There have been many times where I've devalued him and considered breaking up with him. There were many times when I was too much for him, and he had to live with the knowledge that he couldn't do anything for me. Watching someone slowly die is incredibly difficult. 

Being in a successful relationship doesn't mean I don't have borderline. It means I found someone who has figured out how to deal with it. He knows that he has to reassure me a lot, and be vocal in his feelings towards me. He knows my mood could switch in a millisecond, and I could go from loving life to suicidal. He understands this and knows it isn't his fault. 

He's struggled with his own mental health problems, which I can complicate the relationship, but makes us more understanding of each other's situations. 

I'm really struggling right now food wise, but I was able to use some strategies to still enjoy my night. I made myself a separate safe quiche, I used delay when I wanted to engage in behaviors, and used a lot of distraction, which wasn't too hard since I was with my love. 

I hope you're all having a wonderful start to your week.

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