I'm in a horrid mood. I've purged twice at work. In terms of food I did keep down today, we're looking at some milk.
It's my birthday. I'm supposed to be happy and have a good day. Turns out that mental illness doesn't care that it's my birthday. Bulimia, borderline and depression thoughts are all going to turn up and attack me.
I wish I could just ignore my eating disorder for a day and enjoy food without purging. I wish I could lean on my boyfriend for support without fearing that he'll break up with me. I'm struggling so much.
I don't have the money to book an extra session with my therapist at the moment and I don't see her until the 30th.
When you have a mental illness, it doesn't matter if you're supposed to be having fun, or if it's supposed to be a good day. Sometimes the illness takes over and ruins everything.
I'm trying so hard to keep on pushing and keep on going. I just don't want to. I'm going to a wedding in Montreal this weekend so I won't even get to have a nice restful weekend. I mean weddings are fun, but with the wedding comes food anxiety, body image anxiety and family anxiety.
I just want to ignore everything and sleep. But that never works in the long run. So I'll over caffeinate and keep on trying.