I'm heading back to gymnastics today after taking two months off.
I'm really nervous. I'm not sure what to tell everyone at the gym. They know that I struggle with my mental health. They know that's why I took time off.
I guess I'm just worried I'll have to answer questions. In the gym, I'm a gymnast. I'm not borderline or bulimic. I'm a gymnast. I get to forget about the shit going on in my life and just be a gymnast. I don't want others asking me questions that will bring the things I keep out of the gym into the gym.
I'm also really worried that I lost all of my skill. I was getting new skills before I took time off. I was maximizing my potential. I was really improving, which is not something a gymnast can often say at almost 20 years old. But I was working hard.
I haven't even conditioned much over the past two months, and I'm really worried I'm going to notice it tonight. I mean, I know I'll notice it, how could I not. But I don't want to be disappointed my first day back at gymnastics. That just seems like a bad way to start off this year.
The goal this year is nationals, and this goal really motivates me to work towards a healthier relationship with food. I need to have fuel to do gymnastics, there's no question about it.
I'm hoping that this practice really kick starts me into a good week, I've struggled a fair bit over the past couple weeks with binging and purging.