Friday, June 3, 2016

Worn out

I feel tired. But it's more than just tired. It's the tired sleep won't fix. Or maybe it would if I slept for a few years. I ended up binging and purging yesterday, and the temptation to do so again today is strong. 

I just want chocolate and sleep. 

Netflix and my bed. 

A handful of sleeping pills. 

No, Niqi. One sleeping pill. I have to stop sleeping through my weekends in a drugged state. I need to get my overdosing under control. I wish I could say I'd care if it killed me, but truth is right now, I wouldn't. My suicidal thoughts have returned unfortunately. 

Tomorrow is the pro-show in my city. I'm hoping that it helps motivate me to get back into the gym. I'm worried about ED triggers, but I think the positives it will bring to me in terms of fighting my depression, will outweigh the ED triggers. Or maybe my ED is just lying to me. Who knows. At teh very least, having a reason to wake up tomorrow is enough for me to not overdose on sleeping pills. 

I'm sorry I've been so dark lately, and haven't written much poetry. I haven't been in the best headspace. At least my eating disorder is somewhat under control - I did go 5 days! And that's a huge win. 

That's all I'll say for now, 

I hope you guys are all fighting hard.

-Niqi

xoxo

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