This is going to be the post that changes your mind about me. This is the post where I come clean about where I'm really at mentally. Where I'm at in the stages of change.
There are five stages of change. They are: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance. If you're interested in this model, I highly suggest asking your doctor or therapist about it, or looking it up if you don't have those resources. It really helped me understand where I was in the recovery process.
I'm fluctuating between stages 1, 2 and 3. To me, those stages look like the following.
Stage 1: Pre-contemplation: Yes I have an eating disorder, but it's not really a problem, I don't need to change.
Stage 2: Contemplation: Yes I have an eating disorder, and it's interfering with my life. I'm going to need to change at one point.
Stage 3: Preparation: I'm going to have to recovery. I will set goals to reduce purging. I will make an effort to eat throughout the day.
But I rarely ever get to stage 4, where I actually follow through on these goals and push myself to change my behaviours. I actually got to the stage a couple weeks ago, but I've returned to stage 3. I'm setting up my year so that I have a chance to recover over the course of the year, but I'm not trying on a day to day basis. I'm setting things up to make it less daunting for me to try in the future.
And that's the problem. The future won't come if I keep on behaving the way I am.
The big problem with my recovery, is that I'm not willing.
I'm not willing to accept that I might need to gain weight.
I'm not willing to accept that gymnastics might be a trigger at times.
I'm not willing to accept that I've struggled with restricting as well as purging.
I'm not willing to accept that I need more than xxxx calories a day.
I'm not willing to accept that I might need more intensive help.
I'm not willing to accept that a low fat diet is disordered.
And these things are all stopping me from really getting to stage four. I'm to willful. I have certain ideas in my mind that I'm not willing to change. And that might mean I won't recover. And to be honest, I'm not sure I want to accept these ideas. I've grown up thinking these things. Challenging these thoughts makes me extremely uncomfortable. And I hate to admit it, but most days, I'd rather be sick than challenge these ideas.