Monday, June 27, 2016

Willful

This is going to be the post that changes your mind about me. This is the post where I come clean about where I'm really at mentally. Where I'm at in the stages of change. 

There are five stages of change. They are: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance. If you're interested in this model, I highly suggest asking your doctor or therapist about it, or looking it up if you don't have those resources. It really helped me understand where I was in the recovery process. 

I'm fluctuating between stages 1, 2 and 3. To me, those stages look like the following. 

Stage 1: Pre-contemplation: Yes I have an eating disorder, but it's not really a problem, I don't need to change.

Stage 2: Contemplation: Yes I have an eating disorder, and it's interfering with my life. I'm going to need to change at one point.

Stage 3: Preparation: I'm going to have to recovery. I will set goals to reduce purging. I will make an effort to eat throughout the day. 

But I rarely ever get to stage 4, where I actually follow through on these goals and push myself to change my behaviours. I actually got to the stage a couple weeks ago, but I've returned to stage 3. I'm setting up my year so that I have a chance to recover over the course of the year, but I'm not trying on a day to day basis. I'm setting things up to make it less daunting for me to try in the future. 

And that's the problem. The future won't come if I keep on behaving the way I am. 

The big problem with my recovery, is that I'm not willing. 

I'm not willing to accept that I might need to gain weight. 
I'm not willing to accept that gymnastics might be a trigger at times. 

I'm not willing to accept that I've struggled with restricting as well as purging. 

I'm not willing to accept that I need more than xxxx calories a day.

I'm not willing to accept that I might need more intensive help. 

I'm not willing to accept that a low fat diet is disordered. 

And these things are all stopping me from really getting to stage four. I'm to willful. I have certain ideas in my mind that I'm not willing to change. And that might mean I won't recover. And to be honest, I'm not sure I want to accept these ideas. I've grown up thinking these things. Challenging these thoughts makes me extremely uncomfortable. And I hate to admit it, but most days, I'd  rather be sick than challenge these ideas. 

3 comments:

  1. Have you heard about the immunity to change model? I think you'd get a lot out of it. My therapist talks a lot about the stages of change and also the immunity to change stuff.

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  2. Everyone goes through recovery at their own pace. Going from thinking/planning recovery to actually, actively doing things to try and recover is the biggest and hardest step. In the end, it really comes down to choosing life or death. That's what spurred me forward. If I gave into the ED and gave up on recovery, I may as well give up all of the other things I loved, because the only thing at the end of the ED's path is death. Trying to better myself in other ways (like learning new skills, or planning a real future, etc.) would be totally pointless if I let the ED remain in my life.

    I choose life. It was the only choice. I hope you can find your way there. <3

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  3. I've had this post open for a few days, mulling it over. I've not heard about it before, but I'm definitely going to look into it. It makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing!

    <3
    xx

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