Friday, June 17, 2016


Do you ever feel like everyone is moving forward with their lives and your just, well, stuck. 

Everyone around me seems to be advancing their careers with research grants, or summer school, or internships and I'm just here at my summer job, that doesn't give me anything but a paycheck. 

My research supervisor from last summer asked me what I was doing, and I had to reluctantly admit to doing office work and that I was going on medical leave. 

I don't want my eating disorder to dictate my life this way. I don't want to be in and out of hospitals and treatment until this kills me. But I don't want to let go of it. 

I can only imagine how well I would be doing right now if it wasn't for my illnesses. I could be doing my second research term, while preparing grad school essays. That's what I should be doing. I should be graduating in 2017. Instead, between my reduced course load and my medical leave, I won't be graduating until 2018 or 2019. 

There's a saying that goes something like: 

"You can be on the right track but you'll get run over if you just stand there."

That's how I feel. Like things started off so well. I had so many opportunities given to me, so many options at my finger tips. I was the girl who was going to make it. I was the girl who was going to And I chose to be sick. I know it's an illness and not a choice, but I'm choosing to not recover. I'm choosing to listen to my illness. I'm choosing to allow it to get stronger. 

Being sick won't get me anywhere close to my real goals. So why am I so attached to it? Why can't I let it go? 

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