Monday, June 13, 2016

June 12

June 12th 2014
I don't remember much of this day. 
I remember my parents leaving for work. 
I remember having had terrible nightmares and feeling quite low and impulsive. 
I remember going out on my ebike to buy razors and a big bottle of pills. 
I remember worrying about how much money I was spending even though I was planning on being dead. 
I remember going back home and cutting. 
I remember taking every last pill in that bottle. 
I remember lying on my bed hoping to fall asleep forever. 
I remember my therapist calling for our phone session. 
I remember my step dad calling as my therapist was concerned that I didn't pick up. 
I remember ignoring the phone ten or twenty times. 
I remember finally picking up and saying what happened. 
I remember my step dad rushing home crying and screaming. 
I remember an ambulance being called. 
I remember being in the ER hallway so I could be watched. 
I remember being brought over to the psych ER. 
I remember little bits and pieces of my evaluation. 
But I don't remember most if that afternoon. 
I remember waking up and being told my new diagnosis. 
I remember laughing because turns out I had the same illness as my ex's mom. 
I remember apologizing over and over to my parents who were trying to understand, and my siblings who didn't even know what was going on.

June 12th 2015
I didn't wake up in the best mood. 
I had actually just slept for 32 hours straight. 
Depression and malnutrition can do that to you. 
I got on the scale and was actually semi okay with what I saw, I guess my bloat had reduced in my sleep. 
I had a damn paper to write so I opened my laptop. 
And procrastinated a little by watching Gilmore girls. 
I then went to celebrate. 
My past year. 
With a waffle brunch with one of my best friends. 
My plan was to purge. 
But I decided I deserved it. 
Even though that one meal was more than I like to eat in a day. 
I went and wrote my paper. 
And colored some sea turtles. 
Then went out for my friend's birthday. 
I had a really cute dress I had recently bought. 
And it made my diminishing boobs look great. 
My fake ID worked, but I new better than to drink. 
I was feeling quite melancholy. 
And didn't need the depressant of alcohol. 
I came home and binged and purged. 
Almost as a reward. 
For getting through this year. 
It's been hell, but I'm doing better. 
I still think of ending it all. 
But at least I have good days to look forward to now.

June 12th 2016
I had a lot of plans for this day
That involved celebrating how far I've come
And getting my recovery tattoo.
Unfortunately I spent my day in bed
With an awful cold
And none of these plans panned out. I spent my day laying in bed
Finishing the fourth season of house of lies
And eating a box of smores Oreos.
I really wanted to purge
But figured my body could use the energy
To fight this virus.
A year ago having my plans ruined like this
Would have ruined my week.
But I'm getting better,
And learning how to accept
That life doesn't always go your way.
I'll get my recovery tattoo later this summer,
Maybe around my birthday
Or maybe later this week,
If I get too impatient.
But the lesson here is
That life can suck and get in the way
But I can still be okay.

-Niqi
xoxo

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're still here. And I'm glad you share your life and your thoughts via blogging. You've changed a lot in two years, and even in one year. I hope you feel better soon!

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