Friday, June 10, 2016

18.5

I'm officially underweight. My BMI this morning was 18.5. I've never been underweight before. It feels strange. 

Not that the .4 pounds I lost makes me look any different. It was the number that made me feel strange. I know it's irrational, but I'm now scared that everyone knows I'm sick. I'm worried that people will comment on my body. 

Since getting officially diagnosed with an eating disorder 3 years ago, (after struggling for 3.5 years), I wanted to be underweight so that I would be taken seriously. The world shouldn't work that way, but unfortunately it does. If you're underweight, people care more. I thought that being underweight would somehow validate my illness. 

It didn't. To be honest, I feel like more of a fraud then I did before. I've been doing well lately, eating around 1500/day and reduced my binging and purging by a lot. I eat three meals a day. I'm not restricting.... or am I? Because my binging and purging has reduced so much I feel like I'm a fake bulimic. My therapist has mentioned that I could have been miss-diagnosed and should  be diagnosed with anorexia binge/purge subtype, and I always thought this was ridiculous. But I do spend a fair portion of the day hungry. 

You wouldn't think that changing weight classes would cause me to question everything. I truly honestly believe that eating disorders have nothing to do with weight. But somehow, when it comes to me, that rule changes.

I have a lot of thought records to do over the next few days. Hopefully the thoughts will settle down.

-Niqi
xoxo

2 comments:

  1. You're not a fake bulimic....you're a recovering bulimic. :) Your identity is so much more than your diagnosis.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I really needed to hear that 💜

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