Sunday, May 1, 2016

Twenty pounds

I just moved into a condo with family where I'm going to be staying for the next couple of months. Of course, I brought my scale with me, because I don't know what I would do without it. I just need to know that number every moment of every day.

I laid it down on my new bedroom floor, stepped on and read 20.2

I had a moment of pure joy before the confusion set in, and I then realized I was getting an inaccurate reading because of the carpet.

The thing is though, I felt happy. No one can live at 20 pounds. My organs alone weigh more than twenty pounds. I knew this wasn't realistic. I knew the scale wasn't right. But I felt happy?

This goes to show how distorted the eating disorder brain can be. How we can want something that will kill us. How a ridiculous idea may seem great.

I definitely still have a lot of distorted ideas when it comes to weight, and here it was, highlighted in front of me. But I still don't want to accept that my goal weight is unrealistic. That I shouldn't push myself to those extremes.

As distorted as my thoughts may be, at least I'm recognizing them. At least I know that those thoughts aren't the truth. And knowledge is power.


-Niqi
xoxo

2 comments:

  1. I think I deliberately set unrealistic goal weights, because I don't know what I'd do with myself if I actually reached it. There's some sort of safety that comes in knowing I probably will never get there.

    This may or may not be the right thing to say, but the scales-on-carpet problem can be remedied by putting a board of wood underneath, if you don't want to weigh in a different room. My ED psych used to weigh me in her carpeted office all the time and the board was always there.

    xx

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