Friday, May 20, 2016

Friday

It's been a tough week. I've battled with my thoughts a lot and ed thoughts came flooding back as I binged and purged almost daily this past week.

My anxiety has been through the roof lately. I've been isolating more than usual.

I saw my doctor last night and I decided to look at my patient screen on her computer. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. It looks like I don't have a full BPD diagnosis, only borderline traits and possible BPD. I guess I should be pleased, but I'm not. The borderline diagnosis made sense. I took it as part of who I was and was learning to work with it. Now I feel like I've been overdramatic for nothing. Like I'm not really sick. It also had my eating disorder as ednos, not bulimia. I was diagnosed with ednos a couple years ago when I haf purging disorder, but I was convinced it had been changed back to bulimia. Apparently not. Again, it shouldn't matter what a doctor wrote down and I shouldn't define myself based off of a diagnosis but I do. And because I do this really got to me.

At least it's Friday today. That means we might get off work early, and I habe a three day weekend ahead. I have therapy tomorrow and I see family on Monday. To be honest, I'm mostly excited for all the sleep I'm going to get tonight and on Sunday.

I'm going to work hard at getting back on a schedule this weekend. Eating more regularly and making a better meal plan for work, so that im not binging and purging the second I get home. I'll keep you guys posted on how it's going. I will kick this bulimia. I will be healthy. I will not let me eating disorder take over this university year like it did my last two years.

-Niqi
xoxo

2 comments:

  1. Sweetheart - your diagnosis does not define you. :) I understand though, I have the tendency to do the same thing.

    Fighting right beside you...

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  2. I'm terrible with always looking at the screen at the doctor's. Did you mention the BPD traits thing? Diagnosis does not define you, but I guess it can be frustrating when you're pretty sure what's going on, you ask for help, but they're hesitant to agree. It could also be just a matter of formalities - my team all agree I have BPD, but I haven't seen a psych to be formally diagnosed, even though my last Mental Health Nurse commenced treatment for it.

    Woo hoo, three day weekend :)

    Take care <3 xx

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