Sunday, May 15, 2016

Dissociation from a broken heart

I got confirmation that I loved you the other day when you called to break up with me and I felt nothing. I felt nothing not because I was indifferent or didn't care, but because my system went into shock, my brain went into overdrive, my emotions were about to grab the wheel when I left my body. I gave myself small commands, nothing too daunting. Turn right at the lights, walk to the train station, now wait, don't jump just wait for the train to come. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the heartbreak. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the debilitating sadness that would overwhelm me, the river of tears I would cry the pain I would be in. If I don't feel.

I knew I loved you when you told me over the phone that we need to stop seeing each other. I knew I loved you when I went into shock and dissociation. My mind was protecting itself. The pain would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And that's how I knew I loved you.

I dissociated from a broken heart.


-Niqi
xoxo

2 comments:

  1. you mentioned getting back together wth him in a previous blog. are you still together again or no?

    I'm so sorry all of this happened, by the way. you definitely don't deserve this heartache

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    Replies
    1. We are back together now - this was more just a reflection on my feelings at the time he broke up with me.

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