I got confirmation that I loved you the other day when you called to break up with me and I felt nothing. I felt nothing not because I was indifferent or didn't care, but because my system went into shock, my brain went into overdrive, my emotions were about to grab the wheel when I left my body. I gave myself small commands, nothing too daunting. Turn right at the lights, walk to the train station, now wait, don't jump just wait for the train to come. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the heartbreak. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the debilitating sadness that would overwhelm me, the river of tears I would cry the pain I would be in. If I don't feel.
I knew I loved you when you told me over the phone that we need to stop seeing each other. I knew I loved you when I went into shock and dissociation. My mind was protecting itself. The pain would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't be able to handle it.
And that's how I knew I loved you.
I dissociated from a broken heart.