Sunday, May 15, 2016

Dissociation from a broken heart

I got confirmation that I loved you the other day when you called to break up with me and I felt nothing. I felt nothing not because I was indifferent or didn't care, but because my system went into shock, my brain went into overdrive, my emotions were about to grab the wheel when I left my body. I gave myself small commands, nothing too daunting. Turn right at the lights, walk to the train station, now wait, don't jump just wait for the train to come. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the heartbreak. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the debilitating sadness that would overwhelm me, the river of tears I would cry the pain I would be in. If I don't feel.

I knew I loved you when you told me over the phone that we need to stop seeing each other. I knew I loved you when I went into shock and dissociation. My mind was protecting itself. The pain would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And that's how I knew I loved you.

I dissociated from a broken heart.



  1. you mentioned getting back together wth him in a previous blog. are you still together again or no?

    I'm so sorry all of this happened, by the way. you definitely don't deserve this heartache

    1. We are back together now - this was more just a reflection on my feelings at the time he broke up with me.