Monday, May 16, 2016

Almost a record

Last week, I almost went five days without binging and purging.
By almost, I mean I went four days and lost it on the fifth.

The last time I went five days without binging and purging was during my first hospitalization over two years ago.

I really wanted to push and make it to five days, because that would have been a new record for me. A new break through in my recovery. I could make it through a work week without binging and purging.

I got quite overwhelmed though. The idea of getting better scared me and I was worried that I'd lose my ability to purge. I started thinking back to that awful hospital admission where I hadn't yet learned how to secretly purge so that the staff didn't notice. That first admission which honestly thought me more about how to destroy myself then how to save myself.

I started thinking about what I was leaving behind. The high I get from purging. What if I never felt that again?

I know five days isn't forever but it feels that way to an addict.

But I'm trying again. I'm currently on day two. I've got to take it a step at a time, I know I can do this.

Good luck to everyone this week. Lots of people seem to be relapsing this week according to my Twitter feed, and I hope you find it in you to fight these thoughts, and engage in harm reduction.

-Niqi
xoxo

2 comments:

  1. Congrats! Even if it's not a new record, it's still four and a half days you managed without, and nothing can take that achievement away. I try to be optimistic when it comes to breaking addictions. For me, I've recently been going 10-12 days without smoking synthetics (which is longer than I've managed in years) and even though I mess up for a few days and have to start again, it doesn't take away the achievement of those days I went without. It's still progress, slowly but surely :)

    <3
    xxxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Bella, I really needed to hear that <3 You're right, nothing can take away the few days I did go without. Breaking an addiction is tough!
      Really proud of the progress you're making <3

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