Last week, I almost went five days without binging and purging.
By almost, I mean I went four days and lost it on the fifth.
The last time I went five days without binging and purging was during my first hospitalization over two years ago.
I really wanted to push and make it to five days, because that would have been a new record for me. A new break through in my recovery. I could make it through a work week without binging and purging.
I got quite overwhelmed though. The idea of getting better scared me and I was worried that I'd lose my ability to purge. I started thinking back to that awful hospital admission where I hadn't yet learned how to secretly purge so that the staff didn't notice. That first admission which honestly thought me more about how to destroy myself then how to save myself.
I started thinking about what I was leaving behind. The high I get from purging. What if I never felt that again?
I know five days isn't forever but it feels that way to an addict.
But I'm trying again. I'm currently on day two. I've got to take it a step at a time, I know I can do this.
Good luck to everyone this week. Lots of people seem to be relapsing this week according to my Twitter feed, and I hope you find it in you to fight these thoughts, and engage in harm reduction.