Monday, May 30, 2016

Bugeting bulimia

I made it through a full work day, with no ativan, changed up my meal plan at the last minute and am feeling safe on the train going home.
My mood and energy levels are still horrendously low, but I'm no longer in constant panic or dissociation.  I can breathe.

Now, for the rant of the day.

Why is having a mental illness so expensive?
I spend double my rent in therapy costs every month. I had to take three days off work last week because I was too sick so there goes $300. I spend a ridiculous amount of money in dispensing fees for meds because I can't be trusted with more than a months worth at a time.
Then there's the addiction. I can't help myself from buying food all the damn time. I'm uncontrollable. Hundreds of dollars in food being spent every week to go down the toilet.
The worst part is. To quit binging and purging, I've got to eat. I have to have healthy food, which is more expensive and then there's always the risk I just binge on that food.
Adulting is hard enough on its own. Balancing a budget can be tough. Add in a mental illness and it's hell.

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, May 27, 2016

Debilitating depression part 2

I wish I could say that something has changed over the past day or so, but unfortunately much of the same.
Taking too many sleeping pills to sleep away the pain, binging and purging to numb it all when I'm awake.
I only managed to make it into work once this week, and I'm so anxious to go in on Monday.
I really wish the hospital had empty beds, I do really feel as though I need an admission right now. I'm drowning in my thoughts.

I'm in the middle of making a very tough decision - whether or not to go back to school in the fall. I dont habe the energy to talk much about this now, but I will elaborate over the next few days.

I hope you're all better than I am.

-niqi
xoxo

The name of my cat: Some comic relief

I've been posting some pretty dark posts the past few days, and my mood is finally starting to shift. Forcing myself out with my friend has helped, food has helped, and sitting in the book store Starbucks is definitely helping.

So for some comic relief.

Here is the, quite amusing, story of how it took me twenty-four days to learn my cat's name.

Firstly, when I saw my cat, I mean my aunt's cat. And by my aunt's, I mean my stepmom's cousin. But I'm living with her for two months, and I pet her a lot, so for all intensive purposes, this is my cat.

When I first moved in, on May 1st, I couldn't remember the cat's name from the last time I visited. But I was so busy moving in and getting settled that I didn't ask.
By the second day, I was too embarrassed to ask because I had spent the entire previous day petting the cat.
Day three, four and five just got worse and worse.
By the second week, I knew I was doomed. I was never going to know this cat's name. It was too awkward and embarrassing to ask at this point.

Luckily, on May 24th, my aunt (slash step cousin once removed), posted a video of the cat with a caption including the cats name! I was saved. I will now never forget Leni's name.

I hope you're all enjoying your Friday

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, May 26, 2016

debilitating depression

Depression can be so debilitating. For the past two days I've barely been able to get out of bed, much else go to work or properly take care of myself. I have a new scar. Things are not going very well.

I've missed two days of work, and I called in sick for tomorrow. I need some goals for tomorrow though:
- shower
- throw out yesterday's lunch
- get blood work done.

This seems possible. I CAN do this. Depression won't beat me.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, May 23, 2016

Protein banana bread

Good morning lovelies,

It's a holiday Monday over here which I desperately needed. Last week was my first full week of work (due to my fainting episode last week, I got a short week). A full week of work is tiring, and when you're fighting with your mind everyday, even more so.

I spent some time yesterday making a delicious loaf of fat free protein chocolate banana bread, and thought I would share my recipe!

- 2 bananas
- 2 egg whites
- 3/4 cups instant oats
- 2 scoops chocolate protein powder
- 2/3 cups water

Mix everything together and bake for about 20 minutes.

I undercooked mine a little and really liked it, the top layer gets quite crunchy, but the rest had almost a brownie like texture.

I had two big pieces for breakfast then went to the gym for a quick 15 minute session. I haven't been in a really long time as this depression has been kicking my ass, but I'm so glad I finally got out. I've been spending a lot of time trying to motivate myself, and it was hard at first but it definitely paid off.

For those of you not in Canada, I hope your Monday goes as well as it can, and for those of you up here, happy long weekend!!

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Time heals all....

They say that time heals all wounds but I've waited eleven damn years for this wound to heal and it's only gotten deaper and I don't know if I have much more time to let it heal because my thoughts are bleeding out leaving me a shell of a person, easily shatterable, and you can only lose so many battles before the war is over.
They say that time heals all wounds but I've found that time is more of a knife carving into me, ever bump ever crevice levelling me out as I whither away, nothing left but skin, bones and a barely beating heart just trying to keep up with life and love.
They say that time heals all wounds but my wound is deaper than ever and the stitches it would take require an anesthetic but the anesthetic is poison and so I'm stuck choosing between dying from pain or lack thereof.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Friday

It's been a tough week. I've battled with my thoughts a lot and ed thoughts came flooding back as I binged and purged almost daily this past week.

My anxiety has been through the roof lately. I've been isolating more than usual.

I saw my doctor last night and I decided to look at my patient screen on her computer. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. It looks like I don't have a full BPD diagnosis, only borderline traits and possible BPD. I guess I should be pleased, but I'm not. The borderline diagnosis made sense. I took it as part of who I was and was learning to work with it. Now I feel like I've been overdramatic for nothing. Like I'm not really sick. It also had my eating disorder as ednos, not bulimia. I was diagnosed with ednos a couple years ago when I haf purging disorder, but I was convinced it had been changed back to bulimia. Apparently not. Again, it shouldn't matter what a doctor wrote down and I shouldn't define myself based off of a diagnosis but I do. And because I do this really got to me.

At least it's Friday today. That means we might get off work early, and I habe a three day weekend ahead. I have therapy tomorrow and I see family on Monday. To be honest, I'm mostly excited for all the sleep I'm going to get tonight and on Sunday.

I'm going to work hard at getting back on a schedule this weekend. Eating more regularly and making a better meal plan for work, so that im not binging and purging the second I get home. I'll keep you guys posted on how it's going. I will kick this bulimia. I will be healthy. I will not let me eating disorder take over this university year like it did my last two years.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The high

*b/p trigger warning on this piece*

That first bite you take. After holding off for so long and trying to repress those feelings. After hours and hours of deprivation. The sweetness, the butteriness, the carbs. No words can describe what that first bite feels like. It's like floating. Everything around you is released. Everything else in the world ceases to matter. All that's left is you and your high.

The release is strong, violent and painful. But never the less, still so addicting. That blurry eyed, light headed, dizzy trance, when you've played your little game, and beat the world with your dirty secret. It's magical.

Yes, this is my addict mind speaking. Sometimes it overpowers me. Leaving me an pawn in it's game. The crash is always rough, the dehydration, swollen glands, and scratchy throat. But some mornings it seems okay. Like it was all worth it. Because the high was incredible.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, May 16, 2016

Almost a record

Last week, I almost went five days without binging and purging.
By almost, I mean I went four days and lost it on the fifth.

The last time I went five days without binging and purging was during my first hospitalization over two years ago.

I really wanted to push and make it to five days, because that would have been a new record for me. A new break through in my recovery. I could make it through a work week without binging and purging.

I got quite overwhelmed though. The idea of getting better scared me and I was worried that I'd lose my ability to purge. I started thinking back to that awful hospital admission where I hadn't yet learned how to secretly purge so that the staff didn't notice. That first admission which honestly thought me more about how to destroy myself then how to save myself.

I started thinking about what I was leaving behind. The high I get from purging. What if I never felt that again?

I know five days isn't forever but it feels that way to an addict.

But I'm trying again. I'm currently on day two. I've got to take it a step at a time, I know I can do this.

Good luck to everyone this week. Lots of people seem to be relapsing this week according to my Twitter feed, and I hope you find it in you to fight these thoughts, and engage in harm reduction.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Dissociation from a broken heart

I got confirmation that I loved you the other day when you called to break up with me and I felt nothing. I felt nothing not because I was indifferent or didn't care, but because my system went into shock, my brain went into overdrive, my emotions were about to grab the wheel when I left my body. I gave myself small commands, nothing too daunting. Turn right at the lights, walk to the train station, now wait, don't jump just wait for the train to come. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the heartbreak. If I don't feel at all I can't feel the debilitating sadness that would overwhelm me, the river of tears I would cry the pain I would be in. If I don't feel.

I knew I loved you when you told me over the phone that we need to stop seeing each other. I knew I loved you when I went into shock and dissociation. My mind was protecting itself. The pain would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And that's how I knew I loved you.

I dissociated from a broken heart.


-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Grocery haul - May 13th

I went grocery shopping yesterday (and today again actually), and the cheaper grocery store and it was terrific! They have a descent health foods section, but at such a better price than other stores.



















I picked up lettuce, cucumber, fake chicken patties, tortillas (which I unfortunately binged on), and three boxes of popcorn. I also picked up two unpictured nakd bars which I ate for lunch - I really liked them! They're only 1.19 each at this store, so they're definitely going to become more of a staple in my diet.


-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Boyfriend Drama

I don't want to go into full and complete detail about my boyfriend drama, but this week has had its ups and downs.
The short story is, my boyfriend broke up with my on Monday.
We got back together on Tuesday.

The long story is, it's hard to take care of someone who's sick. Especially when it's not your job to take care of them. Especially when you're sick yourself. It seems like my boyfriend put a lot of pressure on himself when it came to my health. I also don't notice those that I hurt when I'm hurting. Because when I'm hurting I feel like I'm taking on the pain of the universe and the weight of the world. I forget that other people have thoughts and feelings and emotions. I forget to have compassion.

My boyfriend and I are continuing our relationship. Because we love each other and we make each other happy. But we need to learn to communicate better. I need to learn how to communicate in a compassionate way when I'm upset, and he needs to learn that it's okay to have to step away or call someone else for help when I'm in crisis.

But we're learning and we're growing and that's what happens in healthy couples.

So I guess I'm adulting. I'm solving conflicts and maintaining long term relationships.
It's hard but it's worth it.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Veganism

I want to be vegan. For environmental and ethical reasons. I'm pretty confident that my desire ti be vegan isn't driven my eating disorder for two reasons.
a) I wanted to be vegetarian at a very young age and became vegetarian a couple years before developing my eating disorder.
b) being vegan makes it much harder to be a bulimic.. especially while on a budget.

I'm a bit concerned about my protein intake but I know I can get enough with lentils, beans and tofu.

What I'm really concerned about is my dairy. I know I could drink soy or almond milk but I don't like soy milk and almond milk is so expensive!

One of my safe foods is also protein bars, and I don't know which ones, if any are vegan.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice?

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Thai food

Today has been a pretty fantastic Saturday so far. I slept in, brought my boyfriend down to the train station, napped, and watched the Dodgers beat the Jays! (I'm a baseball geek). My intake today hasn't been great, but I'm really nervous about going out for dinner tonight with my dad, aunt and uncle.

We're going out for vegetarian Thai food. I haven't had Thai food in a really long time, and I'm mostly really excited. Of course, there is the part of me that is terrified. We're going to a small independent restaurant, so nutritional information will be very hard to obtain. I'm trying to remind myself that I should focus on food groups instead of calories but it's so difficult to do. The foodie in me wants a stirfry with noodles and sauce, and the eating disorder in me wants steamed veggies. I really do hope that the foodie in me wins tonight, it deserves a win.

Other than that, today has been a pretty relaxing day. I've no coffee so far today which is awful, but also nice, It's nice to know I don't depend on it as much as I used to to get me through the day. I not planning on ceasing my coffee drinking any time soon, but reducing my caffeine intake is always good for me, and to reduce my anxiety.

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, May 5, 2016

PTSD

As I mentioned on my instagram account, my therapist today mentioned that I might have PTSD. To be completely honest, I'm a bit frustrated. I've been seeing my therapist, who I love, for two years, but I think maybe she should have known. It is true that I haven't been as honest about how my childhood affected me, and I know that I can't expect my therapist to read my mind, but it would be nice if she could.

The bad news is, we're revamping treatment. This also means pushing back my eating disorder treatment until we deal with these underlying issues. To be totally honest with you, I'm kind of okay with that. The part I'm not okay with is the part where I have to face all these other issues. I would so much rather talk about food then about my trauma.

The good news is, I can most likely get treatment faster. Or at least better treatment. If this is really what's been holding me back then breaking through this might be the key to healing. Maybe this is why treatment hasn't worked so far, because this hasn't been addressed.

I'm way too mentally exhausted to write a lot more today. I'm going to go make myself a nice dinner and watch Netflix before going to bed early.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Egg white bowl

I'm incredibly lazy. Especially when it comes to doing dishes. Because of this, I've become the Queen of one bowl dishes.

My latest dinner has been the following:
3/4c egg whites
1/2c sweet potato (I put these through my spiralizer ahead of time)
1/2c broccoli

I just throw it all in a bowl, add some seasoning, and throw it in the microwave! I do 1 min increments and then stir until it's done.

I really like this because it will be easy to increase. When I'm ready, I can add cheese, butter, have bread on the side, use egg yolks etc.

What are your favorite dinners?

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, May 2, 2016

Grocery Haul - May 2nd

Moved in to my new place, which means I needed to pick up a LOT of food.
It also meant a new grocery store, which meant lots and lots and lots of stress.

To start off, here's a picture of me (aka batman, in my new room!)
















 Frozen strawberries for my overnight lunch oats.
 Frozen veg because vegetable prices are ridiculous.
 Skim milk for my morning lattes
Egg whites!
 Luna bars were on sale 4/5$ so of course I picked up my favorite flavor!
 BANANAS! I'm making banana nicecream for my morning commute tomorrow.
 Protein bars :)
 Large flake oats for overnight oats!
And some diet hot chocolate to make my coffees more exciting.

















I also had to pick up makeup and some toiletries, so my grocery bill came to 75$ which my bank account did not enjoy.. I still have to pay this month's rent.

Ugh life.

But, I start my new job tomorrow!!

-Niqi
xoxo

Collegiate gymnastics

When people hear that I have an eating disorder, they often say "well of course, you're a gymnast".

No. Gymnastics has saved my life. Gymnastics is what taught me that my body is powerful. That I can do remarkable things. It's what helped me through high school, it's what reminded me that I was more than my weight, than my size then the number of boys that I've kissed.

Gymnastics taught me that muscle was good, that made me want to stay fit. So yes I have an eating disorder. Yes, sometimes gymnastics can trigger some orthorexic behaviors. But no, eating disorder did not cause my eating disorder. In fact, it prevented my bulimia from taking over. There is a limit to how sick you can be while still doing gymnastics.

I've been watching the 2016 NCAA gymnastics championships, and it reminds me of why I need to recover. It reminds me why I want to live. Collegiate gymnastics is the dream. I'm not a good enough athlete for it to be a realistic goal, but you can always dream right?
To be a collegiate gymnast, I'd need stellar marks to get into grad school, and stellar gymnastics to make the team.

School and gymnastics are my two reasons to recover. And watching this competition reminds me of that.

I hope you all do something today that reminds you of why you want to recover.


-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Twenty pounds

I just moved into a condo with family where I'm going to be staying for the next couple of months. Of course, I brought my scale with me, because I don't know what I would do without it. I just need to know that number every moment of every day.

I laid it down on my new bedroom floor, stepped on and read 20.2

I had a moment of pure joy before the confusion set in, and I then realized I was getting an inaccurate reading because of the carpet.

The thing is though, I felt happy. No one can live at 20 pounds. My organs alone weigh more than twenty pounds. I knew this wasn't realistic. I knew the scale wasn't right. But I felt happy?

This goes to show how distorted the eating disorder brain can be. How we can want something that will kill us. How a ridiculous idea may seem great.

I definitely still have a lot of distorted ideas when it comes to weight, and here it was, highlighted in front of me. But I still don't want to accept that my goal weight is unrealistic. That I shouldn't push myself to those extremes.

As distorted as my thoughts may be, at least I'm recognizing them. At least I know that those thoughts aren't the truth. And knowledge is power.


-Niqi
xoxo