Friday, April 8, 2016

weight, food and life

Restricting hasn't been a major behavior of mine for quite some time. But it's starting up again.

I'm honestly embarrassed to admit that. I had 2000 calories yesterday. So clearly I'm not restricting right?
Wrong.

I didn't follow my meal plan; I ignored the front loading I'm supposed to do and had most of my calories at the very end of the day, so that the hunger would subside and I could sleep.

I've also been restricting food groups, and most of my intake yesterday came from popcorn and energy bars - my two safe foods.

The day before was worse, and I restricted even though I had practice, which is very unlike me.

The strange thing is, the purging has decreased. It's like my eating disorder is morphing and I don't know what to think about that. The sick part of my brain loves it - "maybe this way I'll lose weight" it screams. But the rational part of my brain knows I need fuel. Knows I need to eat to study for exams. And my grades are so important to me.

I'll keep on fighting, but the part of my that wants to be sick is growing and growing. It's like an invader taking over the healthy part of me, the real part of me. Maybe I'm just doomed to be sick forever.

I slipped back into laxatives as well. I had been doing so well. But I took two on Saturday and two last night. I just can't deal with the constipation anymore. I can't deal with the number on the scale not being accurate because my body is always so filled with food from the week before. I just can't deal.

The good news on that front is that my psychiatrist said she's going to talk to my doctor about my issues with constipation, and work on finding a solution, a way for me to safely take some sort of laxative or treatment to help my bowels start functioning again and alleviate my constipation.

We'll see. All I can do for now is do my best, eat lots of fiber and try to wait it out.

-Niqi
xoxo

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