Saturday, April 9, 2016

The first time I purged

The first time I purged
I was in high school
Crying in a locked bathroom stall
Praying for a guardian angel
Because all I wanted
Was to feel wanted
And know that my dad still cared
And that my mom would still love me
If she knew
How imperfect
I really was.

The second time I purged
About a week after the first time
I wrote in my diary
That I just needed to lose a few pounds
That I needed to lose my period
Because I wasn't ready
I wasn't ready for life to be thrown at me
To be an adult
To be a women

The third and fourth and fifth time I purged
Was after binging on chocolate bars
I was selling
For a gymnastics fundraiser
I got a certificate that year
For selling the most chocolate bars
And little did anyone know that
I had sold so many only because
I kept on eating them all

The last time I purged
Was a few hours ago
And I wish it really was
The last time I'd ever purge
But I've turned into an addict
And this is my drug
And I don't think I'll ever
Be clean again


-Niqi
xoxo

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