Monday, April 11, 2016

New week

It's a new week, and it's going to be a tough one. But I can handle it, right? I have an appointment with my doctor today, therapist Wednesday and treatment Thursday. So I have all the support necessary set up to help me.
My exam period has started. I have no classes for the next two weeks. Which is nice, since I wasn't going to class, so now I'm not missing anything. But now I have even fewer reasons to haul my ass out of bed. So I'm going to be bribing myself with Starbucks coffee to get out of bed.

I started my new job recently. I'm quite enjoying it. I proctor exams online, and it's nice to not have to deal with people face to face. It also allows me to have a more flexible schedule as I don't have to rely on buses to get into work. Although I work from home, I still have to video customers in, so I do have to look presentable, so it does add some structure to my day. I'm excited for the summer, when I'll hopefully have a consistent full time job, help me get structure and proper sleep hygiene back into my life.

I went to watch a gymnastics competition yesterday, and was watching girls who were about my skill level, but still in elementary school, so about 8 years younger than me. It was so much fun to watch, I miss competing on a big stage in front of hundreds of people. But to be perfectly honest, some of it was a bit triggering. Watching 13 year old girls, who have the bodies of 13 year olds, the body that I wish I had, was difficult. I was watching them perform skills, some of them better than me, and the thoughts that if I lost weight maybe I'd be good again kept on flooding my mind.
My gymnastics skills have drastically improved over the past little bit, but I can't help but think that they'd improve even more if I was smaller and stronger. But I know that I have no evidence of that being true. So I can't make that assumption. I need to fight those thoughts. This is when I find CBT extremely helpful. Thought records really help me sort out the disordered thoughts running through my brain. Filling out a couple of them is definitely on the agenda for today.

-Niqi
xoxo

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