Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Is this too much

I got a summer job finally
And you think that that would
Reduce my stress
Since I will be able to
Afford to live, and eat, and be.
But it had the opposite effect,
And I think it's because
Working 7 days a week, for 8 hours a day
Is a lot, even for a 'normal'
Or shall I say neurotypical person.
Between my two jobs I'll be working
56 hours a week which will pay off
Quite nicely but also be quite intense.

I'm worried about how I'm going to keep up
With all my treatment and appointments
If I always have to be at work.
Did I take on too much?
Am I just going to relapse and get sicker?
Or is this for the best?
I'll have a consistent schedule
Monday to Friday 8:30 to 5
And Saturday and Sunday 4 until midnight
Week after week
It would give me a chance to get my sleep hygiene
In order, as well as force me to be functional
For at least eight hours a day.

It's good that I don't get a day off
Because it's days that I have off
Where I'm tempted to swallow my bottle
Of sleeping pills and sleep for hours on end
Just so I don't have to face the world
And obviously this isn't a good behaviour
So maybe this really is for the best
And I'll get used to humaning every day
So that when the term starts again
I'll be able to make it to class.

But the thoughts that maybe this is too much
Are high in my mind
I've been told to go to inpatient
Or residential treatment
But instead I'm working two jobs
And living alone.
I wonder if what I need though is structure
Over treatment per say,
I need to wake up, eat breakfast, go to work
Take my lunch break and eat, go home, eat, rest sleep
It's the end of the day that is going to be hard,
But coming home to my aunt for the first couple months
Should very much help, and in my new place,
There is only one bathroom, so I will need to share.
It always just comes down to the end of the day...

So that's my current internal dilemma
Is this too much?
I don't know why I'm putting such thought into the question,
Because I'm going to do it anyways
And I should really focus on how I'm going to do it
Instead of should I do it at all.


1 comment:

  1. I want to say "you'll never know unless you give it a go", but I get that a full-time job can be daunting. It's good to have a routine and structure, as long as it doesn't impact negatively on your mental health. Hopefully you can schedule appointments outside of work hours, or maybe squeeze them in to a slightly extended lunch break?

    Take care <3