Saturday, April 16, 2016

Inpatient

My therapist has decided I need inpatient treatment. I've considered it before, but I just have so many reasons not to go.

I'm writing my thesis in the fall.
I need to make money over the summer.
I'm working towards doing corporate events as an acrobat.
I don't want to quit gymnastics.
I don't want treatment to get in the way of school.
I don't want to lose my friends.

I keep telling myself that I'm not sick enough. "Famous last words" as my therapist put it. I don't know what to do.

The ironic part, is the stress of this decision, is triggering my ED, making me get worse, wanting to be sick enough if I am to get treatment, the fear of losing the one thing that helps me hold on every day.

I'm scared it won't work. Because then what? What if it doesn't get better? At least now I can think that maybe things will be better once I recover? But what if it doesn't? Or what if I can't recover?
You can't fail if you don't try.

I'm functional. I'm succeeding in school. I'm succeeding in athletics. I'm succeeding in extra-curriculars. And I have a wonderful circle of friends supporting me. Why would I leave this?


-Niqi
xoxo

2 comments:

  1. My advice would be to go to inpatient. If you don't, there's no telling how much longer you'll be able to keep up with things like gymnastics and school. You say you're functional now, but it won't always be like that, especially if things are getting worse. Inpatient is putting things on hold. Not getting treatment can put them on *stop*.

    I feel like that sounds a bit harsh, but it's all written out of love and support.

    <3
    xxxx

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  2. Yes. You are sick enough. Sure, you're functioning, but how well are you functioning? I didn't think I was sick enough either, and that thought just about killed me. If you have the opportunity to get inpatient treatment, I think you should take it. I told myself over and over that I didn't have enough time, but when it came down to it, I had to make time. You have the chance to be happy and thrive...not just function. :) You deserve happiness and peace. Those things are very difficult to get on your own when you're stuck in an eating disorder.

    I know I'm commenting on this kinda late and I've already read your post about having two jobs now, but I couldn't keep quiet on this. Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than you know.

    Structure can be a good thing too...but it's easy to start fitting in ED behaviors within your job/day structure too and before you know it, the ED mindset just takes over again.

    Anyway. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you'll fight for yourself. And love yourself. :) *hugs*

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