Saturday, April 30, 2016

Sometimes I forget that you're human too and that you feel too and that sometimes you get knocked down but you stand so tall and proud every day but I'm a hurricane and sometimes something's gotta give and sometimes that something is gonna be you but it kills me inside to think that I could take you down, and it scares me that I have that kind of power to take down someone as strong as you. I've always wanted the power to conquer the world but I don't want to conquer you please take this power away I don't want to hurt you I want to help you grow and watch you live and do amazing things. I want to be your sunlight and your rain that help you grow not the tornado that sweeps your house away. I've heard that this power comes with love but I'm scared. People are people and people and people get power hungry and start pushing things down to use as stepping stones instead of helping people up and looking up to the sky admiring the beauty. The last thing I'd want to do is break you down. But I'm people too. And people make mistakes. And people ruin what they love the most because this power is scary and pain hurts and avoidance is always the path of least resistance. So I back away. I withdraw to myself and let my heart grow grey, and never tell you that with you food tastes like life and life seems optimistic and that this optimism clouds my cynicism for a short moment. That a kiss with you feels like a pause in time and that failures and losses don't matter any more. That in your arms I'm as weightless as I'd ever want to be. Because with you I'm more powerful. With you I'm more me.

Friday, April 29, 2016

I'll still be standing

I got knocked down a lot last year
I've got to say it was pretty rough
People tell me to just play it by ear
But I don't think I'm tough enough
They told me to focus
That I just had to try
But all I wanted was a loving kiss
Not a list of things to verify
Sometimes I just need to know
That someone will be there during the low
I know things are great during the high
But sometimes it's too much of a climb
I think maybe I'm getting better
But I'm definitely still shaking
Don't think that constant will be the weather
But rain or shine I'll still be standing


-Niqi
xoxo

Trip to the ER

I tend to not go to the ER as much as I probably should. I have countless overdoses that could have been avoided if I had the strength to go to the emergency room and ask for help. The problem is though, they don't help.

I ended up going last night. After having to leave work early, swallowing a week's worth of sleeping pills, and planning to go get more pills, I knew I needed to go. There was a very low chance that I would be alive today if I didn't go.

The problem is though, other than hold me, they didn't do me any good. I went in around 5pm, and got placed under a Form 1 (which can hold me in the hospital for up to 72 hours) around 5:30. I met with a nurse and resident, but other than that I proceeded to scratch myself and talk to my friend who took me to the hospital until around midnight when I was told I would see a psychiatrist. At 1am I asked if I could discharge myself, as the resident had cleared me. They said yes, but it took them an other hour to fill out the paper work.

I guess it helped in the sense that I'm alive today. But all they did was hold me captive. I knew I needed a short term admission. But it got to the point where I had waited 8 hours, with barely any food (they gave me a small sandwich for dinner at 6) and hadn't seen a psychiatrist. I was in a room without a bed so I couldn't sleep. By then I just wanted to sleep. So I went home.

I'm feeling better today, so maybe I'll be okay. But maybe I won't. It's been a really tough week and I've had several breakdowns. What if I have another one today?

I've ranted about this so many times. But we need a functional mental health system. We need a system with enough money to support admitting people when in crisis.

If you go to the hospital with chest pains, you get admitted for observation. 
If you go to the hospital after an overdose, you get sent home and told not to do it again.

This ridiculous stigma in our health care system is ridiculous. It's 2016. Wake up, world. We have people dying and trying to die every day because of mental illness. Something's gotta change.


-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Hospital

I'm in the emergency room
Because I've overdosed again
And I needed help
Because I knew I would jsut
Take more pills if I had
The chance.

I hate being here
I feel like the staff is
So God damn condescending
And always ask me what I need
Or what I want.

I don't know what I need
I just want to live without
Wanting to die
Day in and day out
I just want
To to be happy

-Niqi
xoxo

I'm back

I'm sorry I haven't written. Exam season got the best of me this year.
I only had three exams to write as I am on a reduced course load. I made the mistake of checking my grade of my take home exam the night before my first sit down exam. That shifted my mood a fair bit. I managed to get through the first sit down exam, but my last exam was the day after and I had one of the worst panic attacks.
I'm taking sitting in a ball on the floor, crying, shaking and hearing voices.
Luckily enough, I was supposed to see my therapist at that time, so she helped me through some grounding exercises, had me take another ativan, and set me up in a bed in the quiet room.
I'm glad I didn't write my exam because there is no way that would have gone over well.
But at the same time, I'm so upset with myself. I only took three courses so that I could get better and succeed. This doesn't seem like a success to me.
I wasn't able to get through the exam season like I wanted to.
I just couldn't do it..

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Stigma

Eliminating the stigma surrounding mental health is something that I've worked at a lot.

For the most part it's been rewarding. After some time and education, most of my family and friends are very understanding, know how to avoid my triggers and are aware that I'm not always able to be fully functional.

Today, as I was going to treatment at the psychiatric hospital in my city, a stranger made a comment that really got to me.

I was the only one to get off the bus at the bus stop by the hospital, and an older woman turned to her friend and said:
"She looks normal, I wonder what's wrong with her"
Not only was this rude, she said it loud enough so that the entire bus could hear her, and stare at me walk towards the hospital.

I wanted to turn around and yell something. The number of assumptions she had just made were ridiculous.

What struck me the most was my temptation to pretend that I worked at the hospital, and that I wasn't a patient. I'm usually not embarrassed or ashamed of my illness. But this complete stranger's ignorance made me feel that way.


Here are some reminders:

The same way that those who struggle from physical illnesses don't always have visible symptoms, those who struggle from mental illnesses also don't always have visible symptoms.

Struggling from a mental illness does not mean that anything is wrong with you. It means that you're sick.

There is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of your illness.

Assumptions that strangers may make about you change nothing about how wonderful of a person you are.


I managed to pull myself together and have a very successful treatment session.

I know that not everyone understands mental illnesses, and that a lot of work still needs to be dome to eliminate the stigma. But I've gotten to a point where I have eliminated those who judge me because of my mental illness from my life. So when someone says something like that, it takes my surprise.


-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Distress tolerance kit

With so much going on lately, my anxiety levels have skyrocekted. With good reason, I have so much going on that I'm forgetting to take care of myself. It doesn't help that I have the most random routine, and I'm bouncing between prof office hours, studying individually, group studying, two jobs and treatment.

I've made my distress tolerance kit though, and it's great to have a box to go to when I'm not feeling well or safe. I always thought these boxes were a bit ridiculous, because I have all these things spread out around my room, but it's infinitely easier to go to a box and pick something, instead of having to come up with what to do, and then go find any tools I might need, on my own.

My kit has:
- gum and hard candy to help with binge urges
- coloring books and pencil crayons
- my DBT skills handouts
- a list of reasons to live
- a candle
- a couple bags of herbal tea
- sudoku puzzles
- my CBT thought record journal

In theory my regular journal is supposed to live in there too, but it tends to stay in my bed because I like journaling in the morning or evening before/after sleeping.

I was supposed to put this together a couple months ago when I was in DBT group, but definitely wasn't committed enough to trying. I'm really happy I have it together now. I want to make a mini one as well to take with me, where I'll keep my ativan. I want to put in tea, an incense stick, gum, and a small ball of clay to play around with when anxious.

I hope you're all hanging in there,

I have treatment tomorrow, and then I'll be grocery shopping, so this week's grocery haul will be up tomorrow!

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Is this too much

I got a summer job finally
And you think that that would
Reduce my stress
Since I will be able to
Afford to live, and eat, and be.
But it had the opposite effect,
And I think it's because
Working 7 days a week, for 8 hours a day
Is a lot, even for a 'normal'
Or shall I say neurotypical person.
Between my two jobs I'll be working
56 hours a week which will pay off
Quite nicely but also be quite intense.

I'm worried about how I'm going to keep up
With all my treatment and appointments
If I always have to be at work.
Did I take on too much?
Am I just going to relapse and get sicker?
Or is this for the best?
I'll have a consistent schedule
Monday to Friday 8:30 to 5
And Saturday and Sunday 4 until midnight
Week after week
It would give me a chance to get my sleep hygiene
In order, as well as force me to be functional
For at least eight hours a day.

It's good that I don't get a day off
Because it's days that I have off
Where I'm tempted to swallow my bottle
Of sleeping pills and sleep for hours on end
Just so I don't have to face the world
And obviously this isn't a good behaviour
So maybe this really is for the best
And I'll get used to humaning every day
So that when the term starts again
I'll be able to make it to class.

But the thoughts that maybe this is too much
Are high in my mind
I've been told to go to inpatient
Or residential treatment
But instead I'm working two jobs
And living alone.
I wonder if what I need though is structure
Over treatment per say,
I need to wake up, eat breakfast, go to work
Take my lunch break and eat, go home, eat, rest sleep
It's the end of the day that is going to be hard,
But coming home to my aunt for the first couple months
Should very much help, and in my new place,
There is only one bathroom, so I will need to share.
It always just comes down to the end of the day...

So that's my current internal dilemma
Is this too much?
I don't know why I'm putting such thought into the question,
Because I'm going to do it anyways
And I should really focus on how I'm going to do it
Instead of should I do it at all.


-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Inpatient

My therapist has decided I need inpatient treatment. I've considered it before, but I just have so many reasons not to go.

I'm writing my thesis in the fall.
I need to make money over the summer.
I'm working towards doing corporate events as an acrobat.
I don't want to quit gymnastics.
I don't want treatment to get in the way of school.
I don't want to lose my friends.

I keep telling myself that I'm not sick enough. "Famous last words" as my therapist put it. I don't know what to do.

The ironic part, is the stress of this decision, is triggering my ED, making me get worse, wanting to be sick enough if I am to get treatment, the fear of losing the one thing that helps me hold on every day.

I'm scared it won't work. Because then what? What if it doesn't get better? At least now I can think that maybe things will be better once I recover? But what if it doesn't? Or what if I can't recover?
You can't fail if you don't try.

I'm functional. I'm succeeding in school. I'm succeeding in athletics. I'm succeeding in extra-curriculars. And I have a wonderful circle of friends supporting me. Why would I leave this?


-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, April 15, 2016

April 14th - Grocery Haul

I did some meal planning in treatment yesterday, so went out to get some groceries accordingly.It's tough for me to buy groceries right now because I'm moving in a couple weeks, and I don't want to have to move a bunch of food. Of course, moving a bunch of food is way better than starving so it's what I got to do.

Here is this week's haul:





Coconut for my oats and baking.











 Candy for my nighttime snacks :)


Strawberry kiwi applesauce.


Chocolate milk for homemade frapps, I also got white milk but that's boring.

Bananas

Blood oranges! I got three of these beauties, it's been such a long time since I've had one, we will see how my GERD reacts.


And the biggest bag of frozen berries I could find. Spring = warmer weather = more smoothies!


















Have a lovely Friday everyone!

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, April 11, 2016

New week

It's a new week, and it's going to be a tough one. But I can handle it, right? I have an appointment with my doctor today, therapist Wednesday and treatment Thursday. So I have all the support necessary set up to help me.
My exam period has started. I have no classes for the next two weeks. Which is nice, since I wasn't going to class, so now I'm not missing anything. But now I have even fewer reasons to haul my ass out of bed. So I'm going to be bribing myself with Starbucks coffee to get out of bed.

I started my new job recently. I'm quite enjoying it. I proctor exams online, and it's nice to not have to deal with people face to face. It also allows me to have a more flexible schedule as I don't have to rely on buses to get into work. Although I work from home, I still have to video customers in, so I do have to look presentable, so it does add some structure to my day. I'm excited for the summer, when I'll hopefully have a consistent full time job, help me get structure and proper sleep hygiene back into my life.

I went to watch a gymnastics competition yesterday, and was watching girls who were about my skill level, but still in elementary school, so about 8 years younger than me. It was so much fun to watch, I miss competing on a big stage in front of hundreds of people. But to be perfectly honest, some of it was a bit triggering. Watching 13 year old girls, who have the bodies of 13 year olds, the body that I wish I had, was difficult. I was watching them perform skills, some of them better than me, and the thoughts that if I lost weight maybe I'd be good again kept on flooding my mind.
My gymnastics skills have drastically improved over the past little bit, but I can't help but think that they'd improve even more if I was smaller and stronger. But I know that I have no evidence of that being true. So I can't make that assumption. I need to fight those thoughts. This is when I find CBT extremely helpful. Thought records really help me sort out the disordered thoughts running through my brain. Filling out a couple of them is definitely on the agenda for today.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, April 9, 2016

The first time I purged

The first time I purged
I was in high school
Crying in a locked bathroom stall
Praying for a guardian angel
Because all I wanted
Was to feel wanted
And know that my dad still cared
And that my mom would still love me
If she knew
How imperfect
I really was.

The second time I purged
About a week after the first time
I wrote in my diary
That I just needed to lose a few pounds
That I needed to lose my period
Because I wasn't ready
I wasn't ready for life to be thrown at me
To be an adult
To be a women

The third and fourth and fifth time I purged
Was after binging on chocolate bars
I was selling
For a gymnastics fundraiser
I got a certificate that year
For selling the most chocolate bars
And little did anyone know that
I had sold so many only because
I kept on eating them all

The last time I purged
Was a few hours ago
And I wish it really was
The last time I'd ever purge
But I've turned into an addict
And this is my drug
And I don't think I'll ever
Be clean again


-Niqi
xoxo
Pretty girls, shallow hearts
Girls screaming, I'm not sick enough
Big tears, big plates
Look at what we have to face
Fuzzy bodies, thinning hair
Nothing ever can compare
To the pain, to the suffering
That leads us to our final coffin

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, April 8, 2016

House Hunting

Fistly, sorry for the overload of posts today. Now that I've finally given myself a break I have so much I want to tell you all, but I didn't want to thrown it all into one post or my thoughts get all jumbled.

I move out of my current house May 1st. My one housemate and I found a super cute two bedroom basement apartment super close to the school for a reasonable price. The price is actually so reasonable that we could also afford a cat!

The only problem is that our lease doesn't start until July 1st. So I have two months where I need to live somewhere else. I Think that the current plan is for me to live with my aunt in a nearby city. She has a two bedroom apartment for her and her cat, so I'm going to rent out the other bedroom! I'm actually really excited, my aunt and I get along quite well, and I think it would be good for my mental health to distance myself from my current life for a bit. There's also an amazing eating disorder support center in the city where she lives that I would be able to attend.

Moving twice is going to be a pain, but it will definitely be worth it. I'll then be living in this cute two basement apartment with my best friend, who understands me completely (she recovered from anorexia b/p subtype, and struggles with borderline symptoms), close to school and I won't be responsible for the house I live in as I will no longer be the landlords daughter.

I'm really excited about all of this. It's scary, but exciting. I know that in the end this is a really smart move for me. It was scary making this decision without my parents and having to do all of this on my own, but I'm so proud of myself for getting through it and making adult decisions, growing up and taking this next step in my life.

Growing up is scary. But I can't lie and say it's not exciting as well.


-Niqi
xoxo

weight, food and life

Restricting hasn't been a major behavior of mine for quite some time. But it's starting up again.

I'm honestly embarrassed to admit that. I had 2000 calories yesterday. So clearly I'm not restricting right?
Wrong.

I didn't follow my meal plan; I ignored the front loading I'm supposed to do and had most of my calories at the very end of the day, so that the hunger would subside and I could sleep.

I've also been restricting food groups, and most of my intake yesterday came from popcorn and energy bars - my two safe foods.

The day before was worse, and I restricted even though I had practice, which is very unlike me.

The strange thing is, the purging has decreased. It's like my eating disorder is morphing and I don't know what to think about that. The sick part of my brain loves it - "maybe this way I'll lose weight" it screams. But the rational part of my brain knows I need fuel. Knows I need to eat to study for exams. And my grades are so important to me.

I'll keep on fighting, but the part of my that wants to be sick is growing and growing. It's like an invader taking over the healthy part of me, the real part of me. Maybe I'm just doomed to be sick forever.

I slipped back into laxatives as well. I had been doing so well. But I took two on Saturday and two last night. I just can't deal with the constipation anymore. I can't deal with the number on the scale not being accurate because my body is always so filled with food from the week before. I just can't deal.

The good news on that front is that my psychiatrist said she's going to talk to my doctor about my issues with constipation, and work on finding a solution, a way for me to safely take some sort of laxative or treatment to help my bowels start functioning again and alleviate my constipation.

We'll see. All I can do for now is do my best, eat lots of fiber and try to wait it out.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sometimes you just need a day

I've been so busy lately, with the end of classes, running events for my math society, house hunting, job hunting and just life in general.

So I'm taking a day. I'm going to go to class, and I'm going to work, but I'm spending my morning in a Starbucks drinking a mocha and blogging, and I'll be spending my evening in a warm bath with Mindy Lahiri's book and some iced tea. I just need to let my brain rest.

Luckily, this all fits in with my exam studying plans, and I won't be behind at all. But this is a marathon not a sprint. I need to remind myself of that.

I really do struggle with being nice to myself, but it will be necessary over the next little bit. I booked in extra sessions with my counselor, to if nothing else, get me out of bed and into her office.

Since today is my last week of classes, and I have a two week 'break' until my first exam, I am worried about secluding myself. I'm making it a personal goal to leave the house for at least 2 hours every day. Whether for a walk or to go to the gym, or to go study at the library or in the math building, I will see daylight everyday.

But for today, I'm just going to rest. I have a grey's anatomy catch up date/bitch fest with my roommate in a little bit, and that should help my brain relax before class. Today is my first busy day at work so I'm both excited and nervous. I'd rather be busy than bored out of my mind to be honest.

I'm also really excited for my bath. I might go to the sauna as well. My muscles are tight and could use some heat therapy and stretching.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone ,

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

April 5th - Grocery Haul

I'm a day late posting this, but yesterday was just crazy busy, and I didn't get my groceries done until almost 9pm, and to be perfectly honest, I was too lazy to take pictures at that point. 

I picked up four kind bars as they were on sale 4/$5.















Two monster energy drinks because exams are coming up
 Another box of source desert yogurts, because they are DELICIOUS, and my favorite snack and super safe and I love them and safe snacks are a necessity to get through exams.
 A giant 2kg bag of popcorn kernels, because I eat popcorn almost everynight for night snack and I ran out!
I also picked up some sour candies, but I ate them all last night (in a good way), while trying to finish up some last minute work before going to bed. 

Have a lovely day!

-Niqi

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Tomorrow's meal plan

I'm really struggling. And my body is noticing. I hate this I hate this I hate this.


So here I am, planning what to eat tomorrow.


Breakfast: protein oats with a banana, cappuccino (400)

Snack/lunch 1: Boost blended with a banana (350)

Snack/lunch 2: Dried papaya, cranberries and banana chips (300)

Dinner: Lentils and peas (300)

Night snack: Sugar free Jello and yogurt (100)


Wish me luck.

Today's grocery haul will be posted tomorrow morning.

Goodnight lovelies

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, April 4, 2016

Today's meal plan

I did all my meal prep this morning. Now I just need to stick to it, and binging shouldn't be a problem.

Breakfast: 
Chocolate protein oatmeal
Banana
Two Easter chocolate coins
AM snack
Chocolate Boost (can you tell I'm craving chocolate this morning?)

Lunch:
Lentils and veg

PM snack:
Cucumber and hummus

Dinner: 
Rice, peas and vegan ground beef


Let's smash this Monday and end this horrid binge purge cycle


-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Color run

For the second year, my university's Alliance for Body Peace held a color run to support the local eating disorder support and resource center. Last year we raised just over $3000, and this year we raised just under $5000 which is absolutely INCREDIBLE.

I had a really good time, and it was something that I really needed. I needed an event where I could go out, be honest that I had an eating disorder, and people were there to support me.




-Niqi
xoxo