Thursday, March 17, 2016


cw - this is a number heavy post. All numbers are relative to xxx in order to avoid being triggering

I managed to maintain my weight, exactly at xxx for all of January, and most of February. However, as the eating disorder started clawing it's way back into my life, and me having some very bad weeks, my weight fluctuations have started again. 
I was up +6 the other night, and now down at +2.4. I know it's all water weight. Me being on my period doesn't help. I would just like to get down to -5 though. xxx-5 seems like such a good number for me right now. 

The biggest problem is how much I like losing weight. It doesn't matter what my start weight is, I still like losing. Going from weighing xxx+6 to xxx+2.4 felt so great, as I got to lose 3.6 pounds. Even though the number is above my maintenance, it just felt so good to lose weight. 

It's strange how my eating disorder brain works. I hate gaining, but the high I get while losing is the same, whether or not I have gained before hand. 

I see my psychologist today, and have to make my first meal plan changes. I'm nervous. 

Have a lovely day everyone


1 comment:

  1. OH the mind games. *sigh* I feel like I could have written this post. For what it's worth, you are not a number...and you are beautiful and worthy of love, care and concern, no matter what that number is.

    Hope things go well with the meal plan changes. I can understand how that'd be nerve-wracking!