Thursday, March 10, 2016

Three brains

I spent almost five years of my eating disorder with no physical health symptoms. I would be dehydrated and my bowels were slowly stopping to work, but for all measurable purposes I was fine. I have three brains regarding this.

Brain 1:
You're sick. You're abusing your digestive system day in and day out. Why do you have nothing to show for it? Weak/ugly/fat/pathetic. Eat less. Purge more. This is the brain that wants me dead.

Brain 2:
You haven't done damage yet. That's good. Be happy about that. It means recovery won't involve as big if a physical process. You can get better and not worry about this. This is the brain that wants me healthy.

Brain 3:
You manage to purge and yef have no physical symptoms. You're powerful, almighty, you've figured out how to play the world. You're in control. You're better than everyone else. This is the brain that wants power and control. This is also the brain that is sick. This is also the brain that is winning.

Over the last few months I've started having more and more physical complications.
Brain two is angry. Brain three is disappointed. But brain one is happy and wants to take over.

2 comments:

  1. I can relate to all three of those. Brain 3 is lying to you. What you are doing is actually making you powerless and out of control. You have done damage, whether you notice it or not.

    At your core, you are NOT weak or pathetic or ugly. You are worth fighting for...

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much love, I hope you're doing well!

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