I can't remember when I first resigned to having an eating disorder for the rest of my life. Doctors, therapists, friends and family members would all warn me that my days were counted with this illness, but, aren't everyone's? Mine are just a bit more stringently counted.
When I first went to get help I was ready to recover. I had been clean for a month, and after one small bulimic episode, I went to get therapy.
Then things started to get worse. I'm sure I would have gotten worse with or without therapy, but delving into everything behind my eating disorder, all the emotions I was covering up, was something I most definitely wasn't ready for.
I didn't know that one could suffer from an anxiety disorder at the time. In fact, I wasn't a normal case. I didn't feel alone. I thought everyone else felt the same that I did, and that being so stressed all the time was normal. I laughed when my doctor diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder. I thought it was a joke, not a serious mental illness. It goes to show how little mental illness education I received before getting sick.
Somewhere between the October I first sought help and the following summer, something shifted. I no longer wanted to recover and be alive. I wanted to be sick and die. I finally found a medication, Prozac, which helped me stop actively want to die. I wanted to be alive, but I never regained the hope I once had, the hope that one day I could recover from bulimia.
When I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on my 18th birthday, any shred of hope I had disappeared. I read about BPD, and although DBT was a treatment known to help, in many cases, BPD is a lifetime diagnosis. And since a lot of my borderline behaviours are tied up in my bulimia I realized, whether correctly or not, that I was going to suffer from bulimia forever.
Maybe I've come to the wrong conclusion, but I still can't imagine a life without an eating disorder. Fully recovering doesn't seem like an option to me. I'm trying to keep fighting, but when you don't believe you can get better there isn't much you can do. And how do I change something that's come to be one of my core beliefs?