Friday, March 4, 2016

Medication

I've mentioned a few times in some previous posts that I started struggling with a bit of psychosis.

I saw my psychiatrist for the first time yesterday since the voices started. I was very scared that I was on the way to developing schizophrenia or another primarily psychotic disorder. One thing that I've always found really comforting, is that I know what is real. I know what reality is. Even when I'm dissociating, I'm still kind of aware of where and who I am, even though I don't have control.

These voices have been causing a lot of anxiety over the past month, and the increased anxiety hasn't helped with the voices. However, after talking to my psychiatrist and describing exactly what the voices are like, she told me that it seems in conjunction with my borderline personality disorder.

Some psychosis can be a symptom of BPD, and to be honest it was a relief to hear that that is what she thinks it is. She of course can't be sure as this is a new symptom, but she said it was inline with borderline type dissociation and psychosis, and prescribed me a small dose of anti-psychotic to hopefully help with the voices, as well as bump up my mood and help the effects of the prozac. As much as these voices are still awful, it's comforting to know that I am most likely not developing another illness, and this is just a new manifestation of the borderline.

I'm really hopeful for this new medication. I will be trying abilify, which is supposed to help with mood as well as with psychosis. She said that the combination of the mood boosting effects of the abilify with my prozac might make it easier for me to regulate my mood, and the voices should stop. I feel like I'm so ridiculously medicated sometimes, but I know that it's for the best. I know that when I have good days, I truly have good days now. I have changed since high school, before I had developed depression. My brain chemistry has changed. And now it needs a bit of help. And that is okay. I shouldn't be striving to be who I was in grade 12. The person I was in grade 12 had an eating disorder and anxiety, and was susceptible to depression and BPD. I know have an eating disorder, anxiety, BPD and depression. But I hope that the person I will be in the future will have recovered from some of these illnesses, or is able to manage the symptoms well through therapy and medication. Maybe one day I won't need medication. Or maybe I will always need it. But I know that I can function, and be me, and live my life, whether or not I'm on medication.


-Niqi
xoxo

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