Thursday, March 31, 2016
Which is odd for me
I'm usually glued to my laptop
Thinking of blog posts to make
And reading others posts as well
I've been super busy
With work and school and life
I started training for my new job
And it's the perfect job for me
I get to work from home
And there is minimal human contact
However enough contact that
I have to be functional
I have been struggling a bit
Since my hallucinations earlier this week
It has made it quite difficult for me
To go to class as I'm scared
That I'll start to hallucinate away from home
But I've been doing my best
To go out and take care
And try my best to eat
And reduce my binging and purging
I want to apologize
For the lack of grocery haul
Post this past Tuesday
Unfortunately it wasn't my best day
And I still have lots of food at home
So I spent most of my grocery money
For the week on gum
It's okay though because
I have extra money from work this week
For more food if I need it
And like I mentioned I have lots
Of leftovers filling my fridge
So I'm still here
Fighting this battle
And I won't let myself
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
The Abilify worked miracles. Once I started complying to my medication regime, I stopped having hallucinations completely. Until yesterday. Now, I know that going from having hallucinations a few times a week to once a month is marvelous. But it was scary. I thought that the voices would be gone forever after starting my medication.
I know logically that medication doesn't work like that. But I thought that maybe this time it would. Maybe I was different.
I see my psychiatrist next week so I'll be able to talk to her about my recent episode, and tell her how distressing it was. Not being sure of reality is one of the scariest things I have ever been through. I can't explain how terrifying it is to hear voices through your wall when you know logically that no one is there, but you can hear them so vividly.
I was able to take some ativan, sleep and wake up feeling a lot better after my episode yesterday and was able to go to one of my two classes. I feel so bad about all the class time I missed this term. Not only is it frustrating for my professors to teach to someone who doesn't attend lecture, but I'm also paying a lot of money to learn from them, and not taking advantage of it at all.
I wish I could go back to being 'normal'. I couldn't have been that normal, but I was able to learn and grow and not spend half the day in bed. I want to be me again.
Monday, March 28, 2016
When I first went to get help I was ready to recover. I had been clean for a month, and after one small bulimic episode, I went to get therapy.
Then things started to get worse. I'm sure I would have gotten worse with or without therapy, but delving into everything behind my eating disorder, all the emotions I was covering up, was something I most definitely wasn't ready for.
I didn't know that one could suffer from an anxiety disorder at the time. In fact, I wasn't a normal case. I didn't feel alone. I thought everyone else felt the same that I did, and that being so stressed all the time was normal. I laughed when my doctor diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder. I thought it was a joke, not a serious mental illness. It goes to show how little mental illness education I received before getting sick.
Somewhere between the October I first sought help and the following summer, something shifted. I no longer wanted to recover and be alive. I wanted to be sick and die. I finally found a medication, Prozac, which helped me stop actively want to die. I wanted to be alive, but I never regained the hope I once had, the hope that one day I could recover from bulimia.
When I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on my 18th birthday, any shred of hope I had disappeared. I read about BPD, and although DBT was a treatment known to help, in many cases, BPD is a lifetime diagnosis. And since a lot of my borderline behaviours are tied up in my bulimia I realized, whether correctly or not, that I was going to suffer from bulimia forever.
Maybe I've come to the wrong conclusion, but I still can't imagine a life without an eating disorder. Fully recovering doesn't seem like an option to me. I'm trying to keep fighting, but when you don't believe you can get better there isn't much you can do. And how do I change something that's come to be one of my core beliefs?
Sunday, March 27, 2016
My room is too much of a mess.
My brain is too much of a mess.
My life is too much of a mess.
I have an assignment due tomorrow that isn't finished.
I also need to get blood work done, and my work schedule sorted and there's just too little organization in my life right now.
I mostly need sleep though.
So off to bed I go. I better feel better tomorrow.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Watching comedies on Netflix.
Getting out of the house.
Doing a bit of school work.
Seeing friends and my boyfriend.
Going to work.
These are all things that will make me feel better and accomplished, it's just so hard to motivate myself to do them. *sigh*
I'm sure coffee will help, and then maybe a couple episodes of the Mindy project before heading to the grocery store for some lemonade drops and a questie.
My boyfriend fell asleep as we were making plans yesterday. I'm glad he got some sleep, he really does need it, he's been exhausted lately. But I spent the rest of the day on edge, not knowing if we were seeing each other or not, and feeling trapped and unable to make plans because I wasn't sure if we were going to do anything. I know that I need to learn to be more flexible with unmade plans, but it's really hard for me and a big anxiety trigger.
My therapist is back from her medical leave and I got to see her last week. This is definitely something I want to bring up with her next week, she's one of the only people I feel comfortable working with, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to start progressing again now that she's back.
Friday, March 25, 2016
I guess the idea is that I can 'purge' my emotions while writing, without slowly killing myself.
It makes sense but the idea seems strange.
The thought of not purging while emotional is so strange to me.
I had a difficult snack today - a muffin and a frappuccino, and I know I can't purge it.
I know I need the energy.
I was hoping that this snack would wake me up a little, but all I want to do is sleep, which doesn't help with the guilty feelings.
I found a quote while scrolling through twitter that I wanted to share, and I think it's relevant right now.
I treated myself to this fancy 8$ snack, as my roommate and I spontaneously wanted to go out and show off our newly died hair.
"There's a lot of things I forget when I'm sick. I forget that I love to read with a cup of hot chocolate curled in bed when I'm busy obsessing over the extra hundred calories. I forget that I love to swim when my leg is covered in fresh cuts. I forget that I love to learn when I defne my worth by the grade on my final paper. I forget that I can love when I'm filled with hate. I want to remember to love again."
An excerpt from today's jounal entry
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
I messed up with my meds and ran out on Sunday, so I haven't had my Prozac for three days now. I'm still taking my anti-psychotics and other medications, but I won't get any more Prozac until mid-day tomorrow.
I'm lucky enough, and yes I consider myself lucky, that I have medication that works for me. Even if it isn't as 100% effective as I'd like, they do work. The fact that I notice when I don't take them means that taking them does make a difference. And I am extremely grateful for that. I spent six months trying different medication combinations that didn't work for my depression and impulsivity, and am so glad that my Prozac helps. When I started experiencing psychosis, my Abilify helped me almost immediately.
However, it sucks being dependent on them. I haven't been to class yet this week, which is a big issue. I need to get my ass out of the house. I went to a job interview this morning, then binged, purged and slept through class. I'm finally out of bed, and I plan on going to a meeting, and to my last class today.
But I keep trying to remind myself; as much as it sucks feeling this bad when I don't have my meds, imagine how much worse it would be if I felt like this every day. I am trying to be more positive, and look on the bright side of things. I have meds that help me get through the day. Even if I can't take them for a few days, I can still remember that I feel okay enough on my meds that I can get through those tough days. I can do this.
My stepmom recently posted an image on facebook with a quote that said: "I don't get enough credit for getting through the day unmedicated". I was appalled. I don't think she realized what she was posting, I'm sure she was just trying to be funny. And to be honest, had I read it on a day where I was medicated, it probably would not have had as big of an effect on me. But it just made me feel so guilty for having to take medication. For barely getting through the day when I'm not medicated. This applies to physical illness too. If I don't take my stomach meds, my GERD would be terrible. If my sister doesn't take her meds her Chron's acts up and she suffers from malnutrition. I don't see why announcing that you don't take medication is necessary. Why must you announce to the world that you're healthy? It doesn't make you a better person, and helps perpetuate the stigma.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Today's hail is kind of boring. I bought to loaves of rye bread hiding in the back. I'm starting to feel much safer around bread, and confident that I won't binge and purge on it. I had a tomato mozzarella melt on two slices of this bread today for lunch, it was pretty spectacular.
I also picked up some bananas and cheerios, as I thought adding some variety to my breakfast would be great. This way I can alternate between oatmeal and berries and cereal and a banana!
I also picked up sidekicks. I'm really struggling to figure out how to eat grains, and how to make grains a meal other than just oatmeal or sandwiches. I'm hoping that these prepared sides with roasted veg can help inspire me towards new meals. I picked up a curry noodle one and a Mexican rice.
I hope all is well with you, I'm looking to put up a couple new posts this week, unfortunately I got sick (physically) and haven't been motivated to write. But I'll start writing consistently again very soon!
Friday, March 18, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Oatmeal with protein powder and fruit is one of my favorite breakfasts. So that will be my breakfast. Because I get up early, I need a morning snack, so I'll have some banana nicecream :) Blended banana with chocolate stevia.
For lunch, I'll have bean sprout spaghetti, with some steamed veggies, and a couple vegan meatballs.
Tomorrow is my last day of midterm week, so I'm going to end up drinking and playing the rest of the day by ear. I know that's usually a bad idea, but I really just want to let myself go for a day.
I'll be working really hard this weekend to try and figure out meals that work for me over the course of the week, and to truly get back on track.
My first set of intake goals is:
4 added fats.
The grains and added fats are definitely going to be the hardest, but for now I just need to focus on breakfast. I think I might be able to handle a latte with my breakfast as well, so then I would have a grain, fruit, dairy and a protein
I thought maybe if I wrote this out now, the night before, I would have more motivation to follow this tomorrow. It's really just the first half of the day I need to get through.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
It downs't happen very often, but when it does it can have devastating effects.
I'm talking about individuals blaming other accounts for triggering them, causing them to end up in hospital, starve, self harm etc.
Here's what I have to say about this.
Firstly, if an account is bullying you, report them, unfollow them and block them. Cyber-bullying is a huge problem, and I'm incredibly sorry if this is what is happening to you. However, that is not what this post is about.
I'm talking about accounts who post pictures, or personal tweets that may trigger others. They have a right to express themselves. They aren't telling you what to do, and at the end of the day, your behaviours are your choice. Yes, our illnesses can make it difficult to make the correct choice, but it is up to YOU. If you find blogs, instagram accounts, twitter accounts or any other online content triggering, please find the strength to unfollow them, or block them from your computer. Don't go searching for the things that you know trigger you.
And if you do get triggered by something online, talk to a friend or therapist about it. Don't go attack the account holder. Some people are smaller than others. They still have a right to be body-posi and post pictures. Some people are on a lower intake than others. They still have a right to be proud of the meal they ate. Some people have healing scars. They still have a right to be proud of how they have healed and show themselves off.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is take responsibility. Don't seek out things that trigger you, and don't post something with the goal of triggering others.
Remember, we're all people behind the computer screen. We have emotions too. We're all struggling. Let's help each other, not hurt each other. And blaming each other is a way to hurt each other.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
In the past few weeks I've gotten into a few tough situations with my friends.
I'm the co-president of a society at school, and I didn't show up to a meeting last week. This may not seem like a huge deal, but I left my co-president in the dust.
Additionally, after getting triggered at the restaurant I went home, and left my friend at a party alone, when she was depending on me for support.
Now, of course my friends were understanding that in both cases, I was in a tough situation. However, they were quite upset, I did let them down after all.
My immediate thought was to break off those relationships, go to a new gym and quit my society. Obviously, this is an extreme reaction, but I don't come from a place where stable friendships can handle a tough situations. I'm used to losing relationships over the tiniest of arguments, and my borderline personality disorder likes to have intense short relationships, that end in flames.
I was able to explain to my friends what happened. I told them that I was doing badly mentally. I explained why I let them down. They were still upset of course. They're allowed to be. But they weren't mad at me. They didn't want to end the friendship.
I need to remember. Relationships can be resolved. True friendships can get through rough times.
These were on sale for 0.99$ instead of 4.99$ so I picked up 4 packs!!
Frozen fruit for my smoothies, I'm changing it up a bit with the peaches and banana-strawberry-kiwi blend.
And, since they were on sale, a box of almond Bounce energy balls, and some quest bars!
Have a lovely day everyone <3
Sunday, March 13, 2016
This may be your full time job, or you may just be trying to pay your way through school. Either way, you may not love it. You might, but in my experience, waiting tables in a means to an end, not the end goal. However, there are a few things that you should be aware of.
When I come into a restaurant, it's for a specific reason. It's a little celebration. It may just be me going out with my friends, but I don't do that very often and it's special to me. It may just be an ordinary work day for you, but to me it's special.
When I come into a restaurant, the last thing I want is to be judged for what I'm ordering. If you're commenting on my order choices, it's probably not welcome. A small comment, such as "good choice", or "those are delicious" is one thing. But do not comment on how much someone is ordering.
I went out for desert after a gymnastics competition yesterday, and ordered the most massive desert on the menu. It was a chocolate sauce with brownie and cheesecake bits, all enveloped in pizza dough, sprinkled with powdered sugar, chocolate sauce and served with whipped cream.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Today is my return to competition.
The last time I competed, was two years ago, and was at a very bad point in my depression. It was a week before my first admission.
I'm really nervous about going back to competition. I took last year off, hoping the reduction in stress would be helpful. I don't know.
All I want to do is binge and purge. Which is a terrible idea, but that might not be enough to stop me. I'm making myself hold out for another hour. Ride the wave Niqi, ride the wave.
I'll share videos with all of you tomorrow, after the competition and let you know how it goes!
Friday, March 11, 2016
To beating this depression
But I'm definitely taking some
Very important steps and I'm noticing
A great reduction in symptoms,
One of them being'
I'm excited again.
About life, about math, about gymnastics.
I'm excited to go out and do things
I'm excited to be me and have friends
I'm excited to get my degree and move on
To higher degrees.
My depression is still there
And attacks me in the afternoon
But at least I can now
Get through the morning
Excited about everything life has
I really hope this is
The beginning of an upward slope
As there has been way too much
And downward spirals
Happening in my life.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
I spent almost five years of my eating disorder with no physical health symptoms. I would be dehydrated and my bowels were slowly stopping to work, but for all measurable purposes I was fine. I have three brains regarding this.
You're sick. You're abusing your digestive system day in and day out. Why do you have nothing to show for it? Weak/ugly/fat/pathetic. Eat less. Purge more. This is the brain that wants me dead.
You haven't done damage yet. That's good. Be happy about that. It means recovery won't involve as big if a physical process. You can get better and not worry about this. This is the brain that wants me healthy.
You manage to purge and yef have no physical symptoms. You're powerful, almighty, you've figured out how to play the world. You're in control. You're better than everyone else. This is the brain that wants power and control. This is also the brain that is sick. This is also the brain that is winning.
Over the last few months I've started having more and more physical complications.
Brain two is angry. Brain three is disappointed. But brain one is happy and wants to take over.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
I recently overdosed on anti-psychotics.
So I talked to my doctor and went to the pharmacy to get more, so that I could try them again and give them time to work.
My pharmacist was an ass about it. He kept on asking me what happened to the pills. I said they were gone, I don't have them and I need my new script filled now. He's also asking me this right beside another customer. Like I'm not going to fucking tell you I overdosed right beside someone else.
He gave me shit about this for about 5 minutes, continuously asking what happened to the pills, why I ran out, if I had lost them etc etc. I'm on antidepressants and recently started anti psychotics. Put two and two together. IT' SHOULD BE PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.
He finally gave them to me and said "insurance covered it this time but if this pattern persists they won't cover it'. I fucking overdosed and your concern is whether or not insurance will cover it. Kay fine.
I need to only go to the pharmacy when my nice pharmacist is around.
To add on to this, my doctors appointment didn't go very well (as suspected). Apparently my weight went down last week, and I need to get a whole new work up done because of the overdose.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Today's trip went quite well though. I don't know if I was still high from yesterday's overdose. Or maybe I am getting better. Maybe a combination.
Anyhow; here is what I got for the week:
Quest bars! Of course! I love my new energy bar recipe (a couple posts back), but nothing can beat the amazing tastiness of these with 20grams of protein.
Lemon juice, pepper and tahini to make some hummus!
Hopefully having this much luck grocery shopping this week will mean that eating will also go well this week.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Sleeping pills and off to sleep it is. With a hell of a lot of undone work that needed to be done this weekend.
I hate this time of year.
They are no bake, and super easy to make!
2c peanut butter
1c protein power - (My protein powder is 1/3c per scoop, so I put in three scoops)
I'm currently using pure protein vanilla whey protein and it worked really well in these. It is quite a sweet protein powder, so if you're using unflavored protein powder I would recommend putting in honey, stevia or whatever your sweetener of choice is.
With my protein powder, I made 15 bars that came out to 267kcals each, and have more protein than clif bars, so I'll definitely be using them as a clif bar replacement!
I'm thinking next time of getting some chocolate protein powder to give it more of a 'peanut butter cup' flavor.
Enjoy your Sunday!
These ones were a combination of food stress, family stress, and relationship stress, as well as flashbacks from previous trauma. Three out of four of my greatest stressors wrapped up into one terrible dream. It's so hard to start the morning off well when you're being haunted by last night's dreams.
How am I supposed to be positive and continue working on my recovery when I'm being haunted by flashbacks, trauma and stress.
I have so much studying to do. So so so so much to today. But for now, back to sleep, and hope for no more bad dreams.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
I learned to count before
I learned to love
I lived in a life where
Logic is more
Important than heart
I was taught that career
Friday, March 4, 2016
I saw my psychiatrist for the first time yesterday since the voices started. I was very scared that I was on the way to developing schizophrenia or another primarily psychotic disorder. One thing that I've always found really comforting, is that I know what is real. I know what reality is. Even when I'm dissociating, I'm still kind of aware of where and who I am, even though I don't have control.
These voices have been causing a lot of anxiety over the past month, and the increased anxiety hasn't helped with the voices. However, after talking to my psychiatrist and describing exactly what the voices are like, she told me that it seems in conjunction with my borderline personality disorder.
Some psychosis can be a symptom of BPD, and to be honest it was a relief to hear that that is what she thinks it is. She of course can't be sure as this is a new symptom, but she said it was inline with borderline type dissociation and psychosis, and prescribed me a small dose of anti-psychotic to hopefully help with the voices, as well as bump up my mood and help the effects of the prozac. As much as these voices are still awful, it's comforting to know that I am most likely not developing another illness, and this is just a new manifestation of the borderline.
I'm really hopeful for this new medication. I will be trying abilify, which is supposed to help with mood as well as with psychosis. She said that the combination of the mood boosting effects of the abilify with my prozac might make it easier for me to regulate my mood, and the voices should stop. I feel like I'm so ridiculously medicated sometimes, but I know that it's for the best. I know that when I have good days, I truly have good days now. I have changed since high school, before I had developed depression. My brain chemistry has changed. And now it needs a bit of help. And that is okay. I shouldn't be striving to be who I was in grade 12. The person I was in grade 12 had an eating disorder and anxiety, and was susceptible to depression and BPD. I know have an eating disorder, anxiety, BPD and depression. But I hope that the person I will be in the future will have recovered from some of these illnesses, or is able to manage the symptoms well through therapy and medication. Maybe one day I won't need medication. Or maybe I will always need it. But I know that I can function, and be me, and live my life, whether or not I'm on medication.
It actually went very very well! It was, of course, a very difficult appointment. I had to talk about my history, and we went into quite a bit of detail about my childhood trauma, and discussed my anxieties regarding cancer and the rest of my family's health, which made me quite anxious for the rest of the day.
However, in terms of the eating disorder treatment she was quite in line with my priorities. We need to stop the binging. When the binging has been stopped, so will most of the purging. The binging is what is causing me a lot of distress, the incapability of going to class, and eating up all my money. She also actually appreciated my sense of humor, which was wonderful. I've tried working with therapists that haven't liked my sense of humor, and that really doesn't work for me. I use humor as a coping mechanism so I feel very uncomfortable when in situations where it isn't appropriate for me to make jokes.
I'm feeling a lot more hopeful after this appointment, and the relief of it having gone so well has already helped me reduce the severity of my binging and purging yesterday, even though we didn't really start any treatment. I'm still going to put myself on the waiting list for an insurance covered bed in residential treatment, however I am hoping that by working with my new psychologist, I won't need to go when a spot opens up.
Keep on fighting everyone,
We made it to Friday,
Thursday, March 3, 2016
I'm seen a new psychologist today. I'm terrified.
What if she thinks I'm too fat to have an eating disorder.
I know that's not possible,
As eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes
But somehow that rule doesn't
Apply to me.
What if she thinks I'm too broken
And that I'll never get better
She's read my file
So she knows I've been denied
My biggest fear right now
Is that she works at the clinic
That has denied me treatment
Three times because of my
Borderline personality disorder
So I have to sit
In the same waiting room
And talk to the same receptionist
And see the same workers
That made me question if I
Was even capable of recovery.
I don't want to set foot
In that clinic
Or even the building
I've purged in those bathrooms
After my appointments
And binged on the food
In that Tim Horton's
And I guess I don't want
To do that again
I thought about skipping
My appointment today
But it's through my dad's ensurance
So he would surely know
I did get today
A beautiful letter in the mail
From my lovely pen pal
It was such a nice
Inspirational note and that's really
The only thing
Keeping me together right now.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
And it's only 7:45.
Three. Times. Today.
How did I get so out of control?
I thought I was getting better. I was reducing my binging and purging to every other day. And now I'm back at three times a day? I hate this.
And yet I can't stop.
Why can't I stop?