Saturday, February 13, 2016

I'm not gonna lie. I'm very angry with my entire treatment situation right now. 

The one person who believed in me, let me work at my own pace, while still pushing my boundaries is still on leave. We're hoping she'll be back in a few weeks but everything is up in the air. 

I'm a gymnast. I haven't given up on gymnastics being part of my career. I do see a long future for me in the sport, weather as a fitness competitor, college gymnast or circus artist. 

I'm not going to give up gymnastics for eating disorder treatment. Everyone seems to be telling me that that is what I have to do. No it's not. I use my gymnastics as motivation to get better. I'm doing better food wise now than I have in a very long time. So don't fucking tell me I can't be an athlete. 

I really do think that athletes with eating disorders don't have enough support. Competitive sports teams don't like taking athletes with eating disorders, and most treatments start with stop exercising. 

I use my gymnastics to motivate me to get better. It's impossible to train properly when I'm dehydrated and bloated and my levels are off. As corny as it sounds, food is fuel. I do need food to get through workouts. But I need good wholesome nutrients, not piles of calories because all people seem to care about is whether or not you eat. 

Sorry for the rant, not in the greatest place right now. But I'm going to use my DBT skills and do my favorite mindfulness activity (coloring!) as I watch Once. 


-Niqi
xoxo

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